No Sex, No Communication, Seriously Depressed...what to do?

Good way to look at it, DrewDad.

I think we've all been there, Fox, or some variation of there. That you are recognizing there are serious problems now and you're willing to get out, rather than just doing everything you can to "keep" him and writing one of these after you have two kids with him and life has become completely unbearable is to your credit. (And believe me, we get plenty of those.)

How about, "I'm really unhappy and I don't want to stay".

I have told him I'm unhappy. He does seem bothered by that. He asks over and over what I want, but when I tell him what I need he give me that deer in the headlight look.

I love him so much. Before all these problems, we were the perfect couple. We could talk for hours, we had so much fun together and really enjoyed each others company. I really want this to work out between us...I just don't know what I need to do. Do I try and satisfy his wants and then see if he fulfills mine? Will keeping a perfect house really turn this around?

No.

I mean, what do I know, I have some of the story, I'm over here on the other side of a computer.

But from what you say, no.

Physical distance might give him enough room to exhale, get his space the way he wants it, and be comfortable enough to be with you.

(Totally agreeing with recommendations for therapy btw -- when does insurance kick in?)

He's already shown you that this won't work. Remember the perfect dinner of a few posts back? All he had to do was the dishes, and he wouldn't. This is not something you can fix by trying to do everything he wants. You have tried.

Yes, you are right.

So now what? How do I handle things when I get home tonight? I'm leaving tomorrow for Nebraska. I'm sure he will be distant as usual tonight but pretend like nothing happened last night. He will probably be a little sweet to me out of guilt. How do I act? I'm still so confused.

He is supposed to take me to the airport tomorrow, but now I'm thinking I should just take myself.

Some suggestions on the talking thing:

Try saying "this is how I see things from my perspective. Can you tell me how things look from your perspective?"

This is generally less intimidating than "you don't love me anymore" or some variation.

Another phrase you might try: "it hurts my feelings when you do X," or "I feel sad because X."

Whoops, this was originally about the post a few back, not that one just before this.

I say be sweet about it. No need to fight. Just say, 'maybe the space will do us both good, we can talk when I get back.' That's my take, anyway.

You don't think he will take that as a sign that I'm not serious about needing things to change...like everything is okay. I'm afraid he will think I was just being an overreactive female and everything is fine.

Do you think things will change? Or are you taking matters into your own hands?

I would save the 'big' conversation for when you get back. You'll both see things a little more clearly then and will be better able to find a solution.

I really don't know. I guess I hold this rationalization with myself that if things used to be good isn't it possible they could change to be that way again?

I don't feel like I should take matters into my own hands. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who puts any energy into keeping the relationship happy, why should I be the only one to work at saving it? This is why I told him last night that I needed him to show some initiative first that he would try to do the things I needed before I would start trying to do the things he needed, i.e. cleaning my "messy" room. Maybe that seemed like too much of an ultimatum to him.

All the more reason to save the big conversation for when you get back. You will have had more time to think about it, and so will he.

I really agree with FreeDuck that you needn't bring things to a head just before you leave. Go, think, ponder, keep in touch with us if you'd like, and then say what you'd like to say when you get BACK.

Btw, if you have a door to your room that closes, I'd wager that he'll be considerably more lovey-dovey when you return. And that that will shake your resolution to say whatever you planned on saying... and that shortly thereafter, things would get worse again.

Have a good trip, Fox.

I just want to say thank you to all that replied. I really didn't expect so much advice and concern from pure strangers. I suprisingly feel a little better, not on the verge of crying anymore. I didn't expect that either.

Sozobe - I think all this crying has killed brain cells because I'm a little confused about the last thing you said regarding closing the door to the bedroom while I'm gone?

I think you're right about him being all lovey-dovey when I get back, which won't necessarily be him trying to undermine my strength, it's more his way of apologizing.

Well you are very welcome and good luck to you, DFox. It's amazing how just talking about things can help you organize your thoughts and alleviate the pressure of a situation. Thank you for inviting us to butt into your life.

Enjoy your time with your family, and best of luck with the boyfriend situation.

DumbFox - You say that you are working as an accountant. You are in a much better position than many women. An accountant can go almost anywhere and get a job.

He wants you to work full time, and then be the chief cook and bottle washer when you come home after a hard day's work. To me, that is not very fair. HE is the one who is not pulling his weight.

If I were you, I would really think about if there is any advantage for you to live with this man. All you seem to get from him is rejection and disapproval. Is this how you want to live your life?

Fox, the closing your door and being lovey-dovey when you get back points were related.

It really sounds to me that he is having a major problem with giving up control over his environment. He had his space, he liked his space, it was the way he wanted it ("pristine", you say), and then someone came in and messed it up. That's kind of separate from how much he loves the person who messed it up. I think he's having a hard time with loss of control over his environment, period.

So if when you're gone, he can regain that control -- close the door to your room where your stuff is, and get the rest of the space the way he wants it -- I think he'll be much more open in general. You say that when you were far away he was very loving -- I'd suspect that he might start missing you once his environment is under control and he wants companionship. (Depends on how long you'll be gone -- could be something like, first couple of days are spent in pure delirium that he has his space back, next few days just being comfortable, and then another week or so before he actively misses you.)

But then, once you're actually back and in his space again, it's likely to start all over.

Anyway, that's all conjecture, just wanted to explain my thinking.

So you've found some solace here, and good luck!

Makes sense to me. Good advice.

That does make so much sense.

We both had our own places before moving here. He had an apartment, which I never thought was that much cleaner than my place. I had a house, so he knew right off the bat that I'm not Martha Stewart.

He moved before I did, but didn't move any of his things until I moved...so for 3 months he lived out here with a tv and a bed, that's it. Then we I moved we brought all our stuff, so I don't know if he still feels deep down like I invaded his territory or not.

I forgot to mention earlier that this is just as much my house as his. We both contribute exactly 50% towards the rent/utilities. I don't feel like it's "his house." I do pay for most of the groceries, household items, etc... why? I don't know, pure stupidity obviously.