Need help with background check

If you know she has been cheating, why all the drama? What do you hope to accomplish? I have been in your shoes where I had suspicions and so very much wanted a big reveal...it's just not worth the energy and effort. If you want a divorce, just do it. Vengeance, justice, who-done-it...save yourself a lot of hassle and move on from it.

I can deal with cheating if it's just sex to have some gratification or self esteem boost. What I won't put up with is her having a long term sexual relationship with someone she has loved on some way since high school. That is a totally different type of betrayal. It's like losing your best friend which can feel worse than a lover. That is why it's so important to know how these last two years have played out. I don't want a reveal at all or to leave her. I just need to know otherwise I will always believe the worst

Oh please, you just want to play Junior Detective.

There is nothing to be gained from this. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Either stay in your marriage or not. Trust your wife or don't. But getting two years' worth of this guy's history will only make you want five years of his history because it'll never be enough.

Researching the boyfriend will not give you the answer you claim to seek.

It seems all you care about is whether she loves this other guy. You should be questioning her as to her feelings. Investigating this guy will not tell you anything.

Of course, if you are ok with her screwing around on you, then I really don't see what the big deal is concerning how she feels about this other guy. If she intends to stay with you while sleeping around with him, what should it matter to you? Maybe she just "loves" both of you. (I don't call it love, but that is me.)

Not petty revenge. I couldn't care less about playing detective . It's not a game. I no longer completely trust her to tell me the truth about this kind of thing so I can't just simply move on. As it stands I think she did it and I won't be with her if that is the case. I don't expect you haters to understand why I can't simply move on, but just know there is a lot more to the story that I don't feel like explaining.
If I were to just drop it, then I would have to just believe she did it and leave her. If she didn't do it then I would be making a huge mistake.
So I need to know if I am going to make a bad choice.

If anyone has any tips or knows of a good research I am all ears and thankful. I also appreciate any advice if it is useful, but the if it's just another idiotic suggestion you can save everyone some time and go **** yourself instead

"I can deal with cheating if it's just sex to have some gratification or self esteem boost. What I won't put up with is her having a long term sexual relationship with someone she has loved on some way since high school."

I can somewhat understand now. The sex part you can get past; it's the love part that bothers you.

Do you feel that your wife never really loved you? Like a first love from high school that you never really got over? That he is getting a part of her you never got?

What's bugging you is not him. It's about the state of the marriage.

You can hire a PI by just calling your local PD. Many of the guys also have PI licenses and they can do an investigation on him. But, so what? He's not the real issue.

The issue isn't the other guy or where he is/was.

The issue is you don't trust that your wife loves you.

You need to talk to her very honestly about your fears/concerns. This is not about anyone outside of the marriage.

Proving she has been ******* someone else doesn't matter - according to you. Prove of ******* or availability for ******* doesn't tell you anything about whether she loves someone else. Talk to your wife. Arrange for couples counselling.

You are right about the problem not being him and I don't actually feel any negativity towards him. I know she doesn't love him more than me and their prior relationship was superficial. I worry about the possibility of that rekindling becoming something more in the future. It reminds me of living with cancer in remission.
I think you're also right that the state of the relationship is my problem. I don't know where the relationship actually stands right now.
I have seen a lot of websites offering prior addresses, phone numbers and similar information. I am curious if any of them are trustworthy and what the information given actually is.
I am reluctant to hire a PI because I don't care about what he is doing now and don't care to have his current life investigated that deeply. But I am also not sure what PI might be able to do or what resources they might have that the public doesn't.

@beth,
I know my wife love me; it was never in doubt.
I need to know if she put us both in a situation that she has known for over 10 years is a deal breaker.
I also plan to be totally honest once I have a better grasp of the situation. I know I can trust her with most things, but I can't trust what she says on this topic because she has far too much to lose and I also know how she thinks.
I'll pass on the therapist for the moment. The marriage is far from over now and they won't change how she might feel about the other man

You are a wanker. If I were married to you, I'd rather have a relationship with a piece of wood.

Cool, wood is awesome stuff. Hard to compete with something so versatile and functional

"I don't know where the relationship actually stands right now."

If there ever was a reason to talk to a marriage counselor, this is it.

the PI won't be able to tell you anything about how your wife feels about the other man

both you and your wife need professional help with this

you may need individual counselling to begin with. then it can be determined if there is any point in pursuing couples counselling.

Haha I have a minor in psych and actually have a pretty good grasp of what I am looking for in regards to the relationship. I can see why your default suggestion would be to seek pro help because of how solutions to marital problems are usually beyond the reach of those involved.
You are lacking many of the facts so I won't take your suggestion as a personal insult and also won't assume you're lacking the mental depths to process complex bonding behaviors without third party help. You just don't have the right perspective to actually give useful advice, if seeking a third party solution is your only method of managing the situation.
We are in the beginning stages of our problems and still are on great terms with no other issues between us. I have a good understanding of human behavior and that is why I can't just convince myself to believe her in this situation. A therapist/counselor would not be able to give me the peace of mind for what I feel would be the most amicable solution to this. Which would be me knowing the truth so I can have restored trust in her. If I never knew, then I would cope and we would work through whatever issues arise. I see that type of solution as filled with strife, hurt and a long road to recovery as well as my potential to never have restored trust.

I don't need relationship advice although some of you people had some good outside perspective. What I need is help with the research. Me not knowing where the relationship stands is purely a reflection of my own insecurities about the situation. Insecurity that is due to me not knowing how long I've been living with cancer and weather or not it has begun to spread. I know she loves me more than him if she even loves him but that isn't a big concern right now to me. What worries me is human nature and the potential I see with the events that could have happened. Anyone who has a satisfying long term sexual relationship with someone else will develop deep feelings. I'm not worried so much about my wife as I am human nature; it's weak(self serving bias), predictable and easily influenced

Then why did you allow the sexual behavior to go on before dealing with this?

You had the attitude that the sex part was OK. You gave her permission on that.

Now you are panicing because you FINALLY realize that she also has an emotional tie to him. And that is the real threat.

This is a mess but you are co-responsible for it.

Did I just read your ok with them having sex