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Thu 24 Aug, 2017 05:01 am
hey,
I've been with my bf for a little shorter than a half of year. We're both in our 20s (I guess the age is also important here). We've been through a lot of things, we've broken up a couple of times (I initiated that, as I'm rather impulsive and hot-tempered) but luckily we are together. In short, our relationship is good, we spend a lot of time together, our sex is great, we're thinking of living together in the future. He's always been supportive, compliments me, attentive - no probs here. Despite me from time to time feeling depressed and unsure if he's the right guy to me (I'm rather moody and sometimes even a tiny **** can become a real catastrophe to me), I feel he's the guy I want to be with.
The problem is that I noticed that from time to time he looks at other good-looking guys. I could blame myself if I was not pretty enough, but I'm quite good-looking, slim with a good physique and dress well, I've never had probs with getting attention both from girls and guys and even straight guys told me I'm handsome. The last time we were having a chat with a friend, and while I was chatting with her I noticed that my bf was looking at the other guy and even turned his head to follow him. I was like WTF in my mind but didn't say anything. I felt devastated as I linked it to the fact that it might be sth wrong with me or mb he just can't get rid of his past habits (he was quite promiscuous).
I know he's loyal to me, so far he's never shown interest in other guys except for these occasions. I try to persuade myself it's not a big deal but I can't get over it. Most of my exes didn't look at other guys and with those who did I broke up as it was just one of the signals they were not committed enough and preferred variety to a monogamous gay relationship.
I don't really want to talk to him as I feel he's either gonna deny that or tell me "oh he was just pretty I looked at him but nothing more". neither comforts me in fact, so I guess I need some advice on what I should do.
@sadboi,
You need to get your priorities in order.
A look is nowhere near the same as a touch.
If this guy is as wonderful as you say he is, and this is his only real flaw, then you are being nitpicky and that kind of behavior will drive a lot of people away.
Pick your battles. This is not a good one.
@jespah,
thanks for your reply
and thanks for reminding about the importance of prioritizing too
yes I do agree I am picky and I tend to be irrational at times as one insignificant bad thing can ruin everything that's been good
however I still wonder what these looks could signify? should they be regarded as a sign of disloyalty (well it sounds pathetic but you get what I mean) or these are a natural thing? if it's ok when why I feel bad when this happens =(
@sadboi,
I have been married for over 25 years. My husband (I'm a straight woman) hasn't always had eyes front. And it hasn't mattered.
As for how you feel, that's how you are. If it bothers you that much, rather than talking about it with us, talk to him. Tell him it bugs you. He may not be doing it consciously. He may stop because it bothers you (and cut him some slack if he forgets on occasion). Or he may double down and be a jerk about it.
@jespah,
thanx
perhaps I should sort it out with myself first and if it doesn't help talk to him
This is a habit for him. He likes to look at attractive people. I can't give you any advice, but to either live with it or move on.
@sadboi,
I very much agree with jespah. Looking is normal and natural.
If my partner - of close to 2 decades - didn't look (and flirt a little) I'd check him for a pulse.
If it's a deal-breaker for you, you need to tell him.
You also need to sort out for yourself why tiny things can bother you so much.
Try to relax and enjoy relationships when you are in them. It's much more pleasant than looking for something to be upset about.
@ehBeth,
thank you for your answer
yes, I perfectly understood enjoying the relationship is the most important thing (that's what relationship is mainly for I suppose yet I don't want to sound hedonistic as it's not what I'm trying to say). But this "relax" is sth that doesn't occur naturally. I somehow forget about it and let it go and then *bump* it happens again and I just feel bad
Mb any helpful tips on how to relax? I've suffered from depression previously and I guess I suffer from anxiety now. I've read lots of tips on how to combat it yet sometimes people's advice based on their own lives and experience is more valuable than just reading a long psychological article.
@sadboi,
I find that a piece of it is looking for the things in the relationship to enjoy and appreciate.
Some people take it to a formal level by journalling etc. I have a friend who has a happiness jar. Every day she writes out what she is happy about/grateful for that day - puts it on a slip of paper and puts that in a jar. On less wonderful days she pulls some out to re-read. She says that always inspires her to find something to write about on the less than perfect days.
"Gawling" is different from "looking" or "noticing". If he is turning his head to follow another person, no wonder it pulls on your self esteem.
@sadboi,
Try to be more open with him. You're both guys who are interested in guys... so why not be honest with each other about the strangers you find attractive?
My boyfriend and I often make comments to each other or give each other looks if we see a really hot guy out in public. I think that's healthy for the relationship. We're both red-blooded men who enjoy looking at men. It doesn't mean we're going to stray. It has no bearing on our relationship because we know the trust and loyalty is already there. As a result, we never get jealous when we glance at other guys, because it's like a mutual thing we do together.
Whatever you do, just don't stay quiet. If it bothers you that your boyfriend looks at other men, tell him. Or you could try what me and my boyfriend do, but that might not work for you. Either way, just be open about it, or resentment will build and it'll end badly.
@PUNKEY,
Never heard that word before.
I am a happily straight guy. I check out both sexes. With the guys it tends to be the clothes, shoes, etc - I am thinking "Shall I get a coat like that?" or "I'd sooner die than get my hair cut like that" or "Don't neckbeards look dumb!" or "I wonder how much those shoes cost?". Nothing more to it than that.
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