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Married and having an affair

 
 
Star49
 
Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 02:26 pm
So me and my husband have been having a few problems it's been going on for the last 9 months. We have had job loss, house move and also problems having a baby. During arguments my husband has many times told me he wishes he was never with me even before our marriage he used to say it, when I question it later on he admits that at the time he meant it. He's always moaned at me for spending time with friends if I was out longer than a couple of hours, male or female. On more than a few occasions he's tried to stop me going out with certain friends or rings me all the time when I am out. At the beginning of the year he told me that he no longer loved me but wanted to try and make it work so we stopped together. I started chatting to a guy i know and it turned out he was attracted to me. Mine and my husbands sex life started to get very poor, I feel like he has to make effort to sleep with me and there is no passion what so  ever I even have to ask him to kiss me. So as you guessed I started sleeping with the guy I knew. At first it was just sex because I was missing that kind of connection. The sex was amazing..... and still is. It is now 7 months down the line and I'm in love with him, I still get the butterflies when he holds and kisses me. I don't just want him by me I need him. I have never felt like I do about him with anyone else. I cannot explain it but it's just different with him. He's never pressured me to leave my husband but I do know given the chance he would spend the rest of his life with him. Over the last 9 months my husband has been pushing me away and I think when he told me he didn't love me was when my barrier went up and kept my distance. My husband has now turned round to me and told me he's falling back in love with me and knows he needs to make changes, but I really don't think I want to be with him. That love I felt for him a year ago has gone. I have so many what ifs what if it's a mistake walking away, what if I can never have a family because I've left it too long, what if it destroys him. I've been on the other side and it hurts so much. There are many things just little things that he has said that make me feel like we need to try and get along and like each other and it will never just be a natural connection. Things like maybe if we have a baby it will rekindle what we had, the kind of love that makes your heart jump doesn't exist, you never feel the same love for someone as you did when you first met, if he's saying them things surly he isn't truly in love with me?.....I just need advice my head is a mess and I do not know what to do
 
PUNKEY
 
  5  
Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 02:39 pm
@Star49,
Don't even think about having a baby to fix a marriage.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  3  
Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 03:15 pm
@Star49,
I think that your Husband, perhaps has a possessive streak in him. He taunts you with words that hurt, as well which does not constitute a Marriage.

I suspect, "he" suspects there is someone in your life, as to why he is all of a sudden saying that he "thinks" he is falling back in love with you. Or he feels you will leave.

My question is, why would he "feel that" if there is no sex, no bond, no attempt between each other. Is it again just words..

I also don't know if you truly are in love with this person or if this person would truly be with you for the rest of your life, I mean after 7 months only and it's about good sex, passion and great kissing.

I would re-ground myself. Get away on my own, for a bit and really think this out.

I also agree, having a baby is not going to fix things. And, why have a baby with someone you don't love.

This guy is your band aid.

Your Husband, doesn't know how to love. As far as I am concerned. If he truly wants to try, tell him to go to Marriage Counselling I have a feeling he'd say no.
OldWise1
 
  1  
Reply Wed 9 Aug, 2017 04:20 pm
@Star49,
For starters, what you've described of your husband's behaviour is partly emotional abuse! No one should ever have to suffer that!

I agree with Found Soul that your husband just seems possessive and probably scared of being alone as opposed to scared of losing you. What changes does he think he needs to make exactly and has he actually made any or is it just more words to keep you around? It just seem to be words with no meaning when he's saying that he loves you again all of a sudden but you're saying there's nothing there anymore! When it's love you know from that indescribable sensation in your gut. I don't believe for one minute that people can drift in and out of love in the way he's claiming to. I think he doesn't know what he really wants aside from not being alone and is ok with just keeping you around by saying whatever it takes to make you want to give it another shot.

I cannot stress what the others have already said either. A baby is most certainly not the answer! You might be frustrated having had troubles but would you really want a child with him? If the answer is anything but 100% yes then don't even think about it because it'll end in regret. Besides, as my mother always says, "If it's not happening for them, maybe it's for a good reason..."

Everyone has what ifs but they're part of life. All I can advise is what really counts is having a happy life by being surrounded by people you love and who love you back.

I do have to disagree on the "only 7 months" comment though. I have been with my husband for over 15 years now and when we met we both just felt it was so right he proposed after 9 months. We've been happy ever since we met and the way we describe it to people is that, "You just know." Sounds like what you are having trouble explaining about your lover to me in which case congratulations if you're both on the same page :-)
Star49
 
  1  
Reply Wed 9 Aug, 2017 05:22 pm
@OldWise1,
Thank you for the advice, it does help.

He has started to make changes as in showing more affection but it took me to say I don't think I love him anymore before that happened. We decided to split not long ago but he wanted to give it another go and still then he didn't try as much as he has since I told him

I do keep telling myself maybe this is the way of my body not letting me make a mistake in life and that I'm just not ready or in the right place.
0 Replies
 
Star49
 
  2  
Reply Wed 9 Aug, 2017 05:33 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you for you advice. It all helps a great deal
0 Replies
 
 

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