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How do I become more sexual??

 
 
Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 11:56 am
My boyfriend and I have been together a year and half. He's into voyeurism, and likes to watch me have sex with other guys, talk sexually to other guys, anything sexual with another person. He says it's how he feels more connected to me, and it makes him feel loved more. I struggle really hard with being sexual with someone else. I don't know how to become more sexual. I feel like I'm only sexual.when I'm in the mood, and otherwise I don't care about it all. It's extremely frustrating for me. I feel like us letting him down when I don't talk to another or be sexual towards or with another male. We've involved another person before and I had sex with him but it didn't last because I wasn't always sexual. Has anyone ever had anything similar? Anyone know how to become more sexual? How to understand more? Anything? I could use any advice or help, I'm really struggling and I don't want to not be sexual, that's thepat frustrating part, but I feel like there is just a block I have that I can't get past.
 
CoastalRat
 
  6  
Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 12:28 pm
@curiousity123,
You keep thinking there is something wrong with you. Have you ever considered the possibility that the problem is with your boyfriend? I know I am somewhat old fashioned, but why would someone who loves you want to share you with other men, especially if you are reluctant to be sexual with others?

Personally, I think you need a new boyfriend who will value you instead of wanting to share you around as though you are an object.
0 Replies
 
FrankLee
 
  2  
Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 01:14 pm
@curiousity123,
I can say as a man I've often fantasized about my wife with other man. There have been discussions but she is not comfortable. I agree with the previous poster that this should not be at the core of intimacy. It should be a nice occasional compliment. I've struggled for years communicating to my wife that I'm in to more kinky stuff than she is. I think the best thing to do is tell him you're uncomfortable with it and ask if there is a happy medium. For example, if you trust him to keep it private maybe take video of the two of you together and he can watch it later. That may be a nice compromise to satisfy his voyeurism when it comes to you.

That being said, make sure you are emotionally connected on other levels. I do a lot of introspection personally, but even I'm susceptible to incorrectly substituting sex when I need emotional intimacy elsewhere. Make sure he isn't repressing other issues in the relationship and trying to manifest that need through sex.

Lastly, the worst thing you can do in a relationship is capitulate when you are not an enthusiastic participant, and that goes double for sex. Don't do anything you don't want to do, you may feel like you're meeting his needs but it will only result in resentment. Separate what you want from the desire to be an accommodating girlfriend.

Good luck
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emmett grogan
 
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Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 07:55 pm
More sexual than what?

Perhaps there is nothing wrong with either of your sexual drives. Perhaps this is an indication of incompatibility between you two.
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curiousity123
 
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Reply Mon 7 Aug, 2017 10:25 pm
@curiousity123,
I feel fine with it at times but then I have times where I get panicked and I don't want to participate anymore. It's extremely difficult and frustrating. It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm crazy because I can't stay on one side of the fence either. He gets upset and we fight everything it happens and it's hard to handle. Because I feel as if I'm the dysfunctional one.
FrankLee
 
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Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 05:55 am
@curiousity123,
This is an unhealthy situation. You're not crazy you just don't want to do it, and it sounds a bit like you don't feel safe. I would stop everything and get counseling, or take a break from the relationship.

Research setting boundaries. The one thing you'll find is that people with poor boundaries will often get angry when you set healthy boundaries for yourself. This sounds exactly like what is happening here. It's really a red flag to at least have a discussion,, get counseling or maybe even end the relationship.
PUNKEY
 
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Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 06:25 am
Your BF is a cuckold - or a pimp.

In any case, you are being used.
curiousity123
 
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Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 07:11 am
@PUNKEY,
He is a cuckold. You're right
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curiousity123
 
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Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 07:13 am
@FrankLee,
I want to do these things, but I'm nervous at the same time because I don't want to "cheat". We've talked and set boundaries last night and maybe that'll help.. otherwise I'm at a loss
FrankLee
 
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Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 01:24 pm
@curiousity123,
I wouldn't put too much weight on these labels, "cuckold", etc. The fact is you're uncomfortable, and it doesn't sound like you'll warm up to it. You're a person, not a sex toy. If he keeps asking after you've expressed that then he is repeatedly encroaching on your boundaries which is a bad sign. Respectful partners may not always perfectly respect boundaries, but they do make their best efforts to respect them when they are communicated.

If he keeps pushing you may have to become elevated and set a firmer boundary. If it persists indicate to him that he is damaging the relationship with his behavior. If he doesn't get it after repeated conversations I would consider that a sign that he doesn't respect you and that should give you great pause.

Your needs and boundaries are just as important as his.
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FrankLee
 
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Reply Tue 8 Aug, 2017 01:29 pm
@curiousity123,
You say you want to do it. It sounds like you want to please him, not necessarily that you want to do it. Those are different things. Like I said, capitulating when it comes to sex is very bad and can do damage to you and the relationship. You can be blunt and just tell him you want him to drop it. If he becomes angry that is a sign that he doesn't respect your boundaries, and doesn't respect your wishes.
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bunnyhabit
 
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Reply Wed 9 Aug, 2017 10:26 pm
as long as you are satisfying your boyfriend with sex is not your problem. most girls only make out with one guy. your current boyfriend is sick and needs psychological counseling. you are just a normal sexual girl. i assume you are doing your boyfriend when ever he wants you.
izzythepush
 
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Reply Thu 10 Aug, 2017 03:09 am
@bunnyhabit ,
bunnyhabit wrote:

i assume you are doing your boyfriend when ever he wants you.


You old romantic you.
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MindReverse
 
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Reply Thu 14 Sep, 2017 10:39 am
If you have trouble being sexual with other guys, then don't do it! The last thing you want is to feel horrible about yourself. Besides, this type of relationship requires devout love for eachother, unbreakable level of trust, permission (if agreed) to meet someone for sex without the partner present, and never being jealous.

The last thing you want is to finally be open to this one guy who happens to be more attractive than your bf, and ends up giving it to you better than your bf. Same thing for him if he finds a girl with those attributes. Swinging is definitely not easy and sometimes left better as a fantasy. Trust me. A previous relationship taught me that I'm uncomfortable with my gf having sex with other men if I'm in love with her even though I had the same fetish as your bf.

Since you already are uncomfortable with that type of relationship tho, I would just tell him you're not okay with it. Unless, of course, you try little by little to be sexual with other guys. Its totally up to you. Don't force yourself to please your bf if you'll end up unhappy though.
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