Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?" Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...."
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from omeone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy"
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a Lubavitcher Chasid sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Rabbi, you are a man of G-d, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management...."
It was a dark and stormy night, and Medelson, an old man, knew that the end was near. "Call the priest," he said to his wife, "and tell him to come right away."
"The priest? Max, you're delirious. You mean the rabbi!"
"No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest. Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?"
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 05:02 am
Three Saudis are sitting in a restaurant having dinner and trying to decide where to go for vacation.
The first Saudi says: -"Let's go to Jerusalem".
The 2nd Saudi says: - "No, there are too many Jews there, maybe we should go to Florida."
The 3rd Saudi says: - "No, there are too many Jews there too, let's go to New York".
The 1st Saudi whines: -"No, there are far too many Jews there."
A little old lady sitting at the next table leans over and says:
"Vell, vy don't you go to hell, there are no Jews there."
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 05:05 am
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 05:06 am
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 05:09 am
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
0 Replies
bigdice67
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 06:30 am
Very nice, Foreveryoung! Welcome to a2k, and keep us laughing!
0 Replies
Phoenix32890
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 06:32 am
0 Replies
Frank Apisa
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 06:34 am
Good jokes everyone.
Welcome to A2K...Forever Young.
0 Replies
msolga
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 06:36 am
Delightful!
More, please!
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 07:10 am
bigdice67 wrote:
Very nice, Foreveryoung! Welcome to a2k, and keep us laughing!
Thank you. I'll try ... hopefully, I can continue to keep you laughing with me and not at me (oops!). :wink:
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 07:11 am
Frank Apisa wrote:
Welcome to A2K...Forever Young.
Thank you very much. Thank you for the fun topic!
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 07:16 am
Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 07:18 am
A small town had three shuls - Orthodox, Conservative and Reform. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their buildings. Each congregation, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Orthodox decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the shul and that they would just have to live with them.
The Conservatives decided they should deal with the squirrels in the movement's style of Community Responsibility & Social Action. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. (P.S. Within 3 days, they were all back in the synagogue.)
The Reform Synagogue had several lengthy meetings, including those in which all members voiced opinions. Finally they decided to vote the squirrels in as members of the Temple.
Now they only see them on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur!
0 Replies
Phoenix32890
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Mon 20 Dec, 2004 07:28 am
With a bow to Henny Youngman, one of the greats:
Quote:
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made
chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I
park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?"
They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He
said "Yes", and walked away.
0 Replies
ForeverYoung
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Wed 22 Dec, 2004 08:54 am
Spurred on by Moishe3rd's new topic in the Religion Forum, I do believe I will add this one ...
The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:
"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
No answer.
A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force # 174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!"
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:
"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."
"Allah be praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please gives me instructions."
"Do you speak Hebrew?"
"No"
"OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shmey Rahbah......"
0 Replies
au1929
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Wed 12 Jan, 2005 09:29 am
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks,
>"How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
>
>The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression Vus tut zich?
>which is Yiddish for 'What's happening?' They just ask each other
>and they know everything."
>
>The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is
>true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, side curls, long
>black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to LaGuardia airport,
>picked up in an
>unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
>
>Soon a little old man comes shuffling along.
>The President stops him and whispers, "Vus tut zich?"
>
>The old guy whispers back, "Bush is in Brooklyn."
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