I am jealous of my ex (and angry and sad)

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I had a relationship with a man some 10 years ago. I was very much in love, but it wasn't reciprocal obviously because he abruptly broke up by simply disappearing one day. It was hard at first but hey, life goes on and I met other men after him and was happy.
Except now I am alone again and without a job and thought I would check if I could find my long lost ex online just to say hi (why for God's sake?) .
Well I found out he is happily married with three kids, is a presumably very well-paid lawyer in a big firm, lives in a posh area in a grand house.
I am not proud of saying this, but I am angry and resentful and jealous of him because he is doing so well and I am not. I keep wishing him to lose his job, his wife to another man, his house in a fire etc. At the same time, I am really depressed. It could have been me living in the grand house right? Perhaps I am not worth it when I think of it, and perhaps he was right in leaving me, and the thought is crushing - 10 years later!!
I'll take any advice, however hard. Thank you (and sorry about the long message, I had to get it out of my chest).

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I looked up on the internet a man I had a relationship with years ago. He ended it for a reason I won't go into, but it wasn't what I wanted at the time. He too ended up marrying and having a child.

I found out that he had been killed in a car accident. Not much detail.

Life happens. You end up with a big house with lots of money, or maybe dead when your vehicle rolls over.

I guess that could have been me too, the woman whose husband died.

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@Michelyne,

Does success = happiness?

As a note on such - the happiest people I have known (as a whole) lived in villages with little western influence. That meant they were dirt poor.

By contrast, I know numerous people in big houses, who still don't have a strong sense of self, whose self esteem is low, whose generosity is limited, whose values are trampled on (by themselves), and who's happiness is, compared to those villagers, intermittent.

For yourself, if it's happiness you are looking for, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place.

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@chai2,

@chai2
"I guess that could have been me too, the woman whose husband died. "

Sobering comment, makes you look at things in a different light.
I am sorry about your ex dying in an accident, I hope it wasn't too hard and that you had settled everything about the breakup, because I am starting to understand that this is the problem with me now. That man left me with unanswered questions, and the resentment comes from that (I think).
Thank you for your comment.

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have you tried to contact him, yet. a sexy or nude photo with a note " miss you" might change your lifestyle if you know what i mean.

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@vikorr,

"if it's happiness you are looking for, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. "

Definitely! I am aware of that, but I come from a poor family (I lived in a caravan as a child), and I grew up to envy somehow the well-to-do people (silly I know) . Unconsciously, that man was perhaps a way for me to go up the social ladder.

But it is ot only about material success. I once loved him madly, he was everything to me, and to see him happy with another woman and children simply makes me feel like crying.

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@bunnyhabit ,

I thought of it I admit, but seeing he is married (and that HE decided to break up), I don't want to intrude on his life. I would probably only make a fool of myself.

As for the nude pic :-) ... well, I am not as attractive as I used to at 20, and it would probably have the opposite effect. Your comment made me laugh in fact, imagining his face when looking at me, and boy, that was good!

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@Michelyne,

Lots of successful people are, to put it mildly, less than wonderful.Nostalgia and envy are both powerful drugs.

Block him on all forms of social media so you don't have to look at his stuff - and keep in mind he, like most people, probably positively curates what goes online. You're not seeing the messy closet or the days he's got a hangover or his kids disobeyed or he had a fight with his wife.

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@jespah,

Sensible comment jespah! He might not be as happy as I think, and his life not as wonderful after all. This make me feel better, I am definitely not a nice person :-(

"Nostalgia and envy are both powerful drugs."
What do you mean by that exactly? (Please do not think you have to explain of course, just if you have some time to spare, it's just that it looks really interesting)

1 Reply

@Michelyne,

We get a happy high from nostalgia. It's a cheap high, actually - we all look back with rose-colored glasses, often because we were younger (of course), prettier, thinner (often), had fewer responsibilities (usually), etc. This is why you see it everywhere. It also has gotten over the 'get to know' hurdle. You already know this guy, so the initial hurdle of knowing him is already overcome. Getting to know the guy down the street is harder because you have that initial hurdle to overcome.

Envy is another powerful drug because we get a high (but it's not a pleasant one; it's an itchy, twitchy stressful one) from comparing ourselves to everyone and everything.

So - together - they are powerful, and FB in particular exploits that.

Just tell yourself, as people used to say - he's not all that.

Thank God FB etc. doesn't have smell-o-vision. You don't have to deal with his dirty socks.

1 Reply

@jespah,

dirty socks.
:-) :-) cool!

Nostalgia and envy, powerful drugs. Yes, so true, I had never seen it like that, real food for thought. And thank you for taking the time to explain.
The basic thing is, it is always hard to get over a breakup with someone you loved, and you react in funny ways, and every little bit of explanation helps.

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Interesting take on things.

I have been in love a few times over the decades. I am always pleased to hear when the people I was in love with are happy/successful/joyful in their lives. That's part of love - wanting the very best for people. Jealous/angry/sad isn't part of the deal (for me).

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@Michelyne,

Michelyne wrote:

I am sorry about your ex dying in an accident, I hope it wasn't too hard and that you had settled everything about the breakup, because I am starting to understand that this is the problem with me now. That man left me with unanswered questions, and the resentment comes from that (I think).
Thank you for your comment.

I have to admit, your response threw me for a loop. I had to go back and reread what I typed in the wee hours that would have prompted such a reply.

I realized then how myopically you are enslaved in the belief that occurences in life revolve around where you are at a particular moment.

One thing I noticed is when you had other men in your life, apparantly what a person you were formerly involved with was permitted to live their own life. Now that you are in between relationships. That person suddenly shouldn't be allowed to have whatever life they built for themselves.

As others have said, no one knows what happiness this man has or doesn't have. If he does have happiness, why not be happy for that, as ehBeth suggested?

Ten years have passed for you. You were all right as long as (a) you had others around you and (b) You didn't think about how everyone goes on and lives their own lives, which is ever changing.

1 Reply

@chai2,

@ebeth
I know I am not perfect, but I don't want to sound nastier than I really am. I am considerate and respectful of others. I have had lovely relationships in my life, and I wish all the best to my ex-lovers.

Except concerning the "other" one! It is true that I have never forgiven him for disappearing suddenly like he did, leaving me wondering about what I had done wrong and feeling helpless. I suppose my love slowly turned to anger and resentment deep down over the years. It would have been so different surely if we had parted in a more open way. But the harm is done now... and knowing he is happy and I am not right now only makes it worse. It is not about permitting him to live his life or not, it is about forgiveness (or rather lack of it). This is what I must be working on.
Still, I know at least that my feelings won't affect his life at all, I have no magical powers. If he is happy or unhappy, so be it. I am only hurting myself with my anger.

Thank you for your insights, as I said to jespah, every little bit helps me see clearer.

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@Michelyne,

I feel your pain!!.
you and him have unfinished businesses! He have to pay for what he did to you when he just disappeared. Karma.
He was in your life for a purpose . if you are able to see in your despair what was the lesson life tried to give to you , you will grow and will be free and have peace of mind.
you will be set free of his shadow and the pain will be gone.
Don't blame yourself and if you do forgive yourself.!!!

1 Reply

@kikis73,

Thank you kikis73, very thoughtful and helpful comment.
Unfinished business : I think you hit the nail on its head here. I had no opportunity to tell him how I felt, there was no "closure", as they say.
As for the lesson in life, I am working on it, I am almost there :-)

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I am jealous of my ex (and angry and sad)

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