What he really thinks

OMG..........you get the husband, I'll get the wet bed sheet to roll him up in ...and we'll beat him with a broomstick!


Girlfriend...........I'd be a lil more than mad. I'd be very very hard to deal with. He'd think clean the damn house!!

So..besides you posting that here, what is your take on it? How does it make you feel?

That made me a little bit more than angry. It should make every woman out there angry. So I replied to his little forum with an email telling him exactly how I feel. I can post it, but it is a little long and I will have to shorten it a little.

"No matter how much money you make, no matter what kind of job you have or what kind of friends you make…I am just as equal in this household as you are. Even if I do not have a job or have to watch over our children, I am just as equal and always will be equal to you. Being equal is not based upon job or racial status, it isn't based upon income or what sex we are, in fact, there is nothing on this earth that would make me less equal than you are. This is our house, not your house. Money does not equal decision making. Just because you make more money than I do does not mean the rules of the household are yours to make and break as you please.

You do not keep our friends. You do not control who I am friends with. I choose my own friends and if you do not like them, that business is your own. If you think that you can chose my friends, then I am sorry, I must have missed the part in the contract of our voews to each other that allowed you to control my life.

The phrase "man of the house" refers to which sex you are and has no other meaning. It is your choice to walk away during the fights we have, but I will not tolerate you deliberately doing something just because I asked you not to in spite. No matter how much you want to in spite of the other person, each of us will respect one another. This is not high school anymore, this is real life. I expect to be respected just as much as you do and I will not tolerate anything less.

My parents trained me to walk and talk and eat and make good decisions in my life to pass onto my children. Your job as a husband is not to "train me like a dog." My training is over. I only respond to someone who is willing to work towards an ultimatum. I will only tolerate someone who will work out our problems for the benefit of us both and not just for them.

You should be thankful that you have someone who loves you this much and decided to stay against the will of my friends.

My choice was to be your wife. But being your wife is not my job. I might be taking your name as my own, but my whole life is not to be the caterer of needs. I am your wife by companionship and loyalty, not by how I live my life. If that is ever unclear to you, then maybe you should have married a housekeeper. I do not belong in the house as if I were in a cage. My whole existence is not to cater to your every needs nor to keep the house spotless every day for you to dirty up when you get home.

And last but not least…I tell you this right now, right now when it matters the most. When the time comes that we decide to have children, you will be taking on just as much responsibility as I will. This means that we will be taking turns on who will take care of them. I will not take on the responsibility of taking care of the kids by myself all day long and then be expected to have the whole house sparkling with dinner already sitting on the table. If it is expected of me, then it is expected of you. If we are both working there is no need for either one of us to work everyday all day making the other person suffer."

Very well put.

Lets hope he reads it and it sinks in. But in all honesty, I hate to admit, that like some men ....that I know. It will go through his mind and out his ears.

Are you working right now? I don't understand why he says he makes all the money. Does he have a higher paying job.

Just a point of curiosity, I don't mean to be rude. I'm just trying to imagine why a rational personmight say the things he said.

I wasn't working for a while. I quit my job because my husband said my job was ruining our relationship and I needed to find something else. So I quit. I tried doing receptionist work but I didn't last very long, I guess I wasn't receptionist material. I couldn't get hired in an office because no one would hire someone without office experience. Once it got closer to the "Big Day" no one would hire me because I was requesting a whole week off for the honeymoon. I finally got a job as a desktop publisher in a buisness copy center. We were having some problems because I didn't have a job. If you want to know more about it, I have posted somethings earlier, just look up my name.

Did he show any signs of this attitude before you got married?

I feel sorry for you, it sounds like he could make life pretty hard.

kit-kat--

Welcome to A2K.

You say:



Then you say:



I think your husband is likely to find fault with whatever you do. Did you have any doubts about marrying the guy?

Girlfriend. Please get the book"Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship" by Sherry Argov. Do you have a tendency to let people walk on you? Unfortunately I do. This book really helped me get a grip. My old therapist recommended it to me and it is the best book I have ever read. Good luck!

Kit-Kat,

I probably should not be answering your post. The way I feel right now.....is not overly friendly towards the male population :wink:

However......setting that aside:

Your husband is a PIG! If I were in your shoes and there were children involved....I would probably try marriage counseling. If NO children were involved......I'd gather up all of his clothes. (not neatly, either) and hand em' to him and explain a few facts of life to him.

Fact #1 ...Love is not built on an "I am better than you attitude" Nor is it boastful or proud or self-seeking. Therefore, because you do not love me, you should not mind that I am kicking your ass out of the house.

Fact #2 ...You are NOT the man of the house simply because you make more money then me. As a matter of fact.....you are not even the definition of a man......but of a boy. A very self-centered one, at that!

Fact #3 ... Treating women like dogs....but without the beatings is still abuse. Mental abuse can be harder to heal than physical sometimes. You may see me as a dog..but it's a much prettier picture then the one I am seeing of you right now.

Kit Kat........get rid of this guy. His attitude towards women is pure BS. Perhaps there is no domestic violence involved in your relationship.....but I would be afraid of it in the future if I were you. Especially if he thinks he has total control of you, in time.

Remember always.......how very special you are. Never forget that, no matter what. Don't let this guy take your spirit. It's very hard to get it back.

I have had that same conversation with him about how once I fixed one thing in our lives, there was always something else wrong that he would find. Each time its the same thing over and over. He doesn't tell me what is wrong, he just acts differently toward me. And most of us married girls or girls that have been in an almost everlasting relationship know the difference when our man is acting and treating us differently. So when I ask him whats up, its always the same answer...me. I am always doing something wrong and all the problems in his life are due to me. I will do everything I can to make his problem go away, and once he's happy...two weeks later its something else, sometimes the same thing is wrong, only now he wants the opposite. Just like you pointed out in my previous post...he was unhappy because I was in a job I didn't like, so I quit and he was fine...couple weeks later he was mad that I didn't have a job.

When I confronted him about the post he put up, he told me that he was mad at me that day and that was like his diary entry, a way for him to express his anger.

I am with Brooke all the way here. Please don't even consider having children with a man who thinks of you the way he does. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your husband is an abusive loser who needs to be kicked to the curb. I'm very serious about this. I was abused at one time by a man who thought very much like your husband does and when he got bored with the verbal abuse, that's when the physical abuse started. Run like the wind!!!! And PLEASE PLEASE don't have children with this jerk!!!!

You don't make someone else happy or unhappy. You don't have that kind of power. Others are responsible for their own lives, their own happiness, and their own pain.

I deal with abused women almost every day in one form or another. The reason I do this is because I know what it feels like. I know what it does to a person in so many ways that it is unimaginable.

I can not do anything about what has happened to me in the past....but I can take that past and use it for the good of others.

Kat......do you know the warning signs that someone is probably capable of turning your world upside down through abuse? There are many. But I am just going to give you a few that I think relate to you.

1...There is blaming. (everything bad is your fault)

2...One person controls the finances. (this is why I think he is teetering back and forth between wanting you to work.....and NOT wanting you to.

3...If you are allowed to have friends, they can only be the ones he wants you to be friends with. Everyone else is a threat.

4...You feel rejected by him.

5...Constantly trying to guess what is wrong with him. Or what you did.

6...He is in control of all the decisions that are made in the home.

7...You have unrealistic expectations of yourself. (you seem to feel that his happiness is on your shoulders)

Kit Kat......... what is abuse?

PHYSICAL ABUSE ... Any touch that is not loving, or given with dignity and respect.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE ... Any communication that does not uplift you. But instead serves the needs of the inflicter...leaving your own self without dispute resolution. In other words.....you are made to be smaller in value

You have a gift. That gift is time. Use it wisely, my friend. Don't let anyone take yourself from you. Get away from him and when you do.......I think you will "grow" like a flower that opens up in the spring and thrives on each little droplet of moisture that is given it. Our moisture in life is "love" And we all deserve to be loved in a manner that is pure and right. For without it....we too, wither and die in spirt.

Allow yourself to be beautiful.........just like that flower!

I don't think you should read any books- because, as John Gray points out, many of them are one-sided and wrongfully reinforce animosity between the two sexes. Try to understand what it is your husband wants, and why he would do this, before you turn to a hand-wringing author for insight on how all men are pigs, and yadda yadda.

Just so you know, I'm a guy, so my point of view's a bit different and bit less confrontational, but seriously: when the world comes to an end, whose opinion do you REALLY value more, your husband's or some author who happens to write very eloquently?

P.S.- is there a section on A2K for people who are not married? because i often find myself in threads on subjects where i have little or no expertise.

Hmmmmmmm.........do ya reckon John Gray said that because he wants everyone to buy HIS books? He has writtin some good ones, by the way.

BUT.......I would harldly think he would advise her not to read books. Some of the best inspiration can be derived from books. The knowledge base is vast! She needs lots of it.



From what I have read in this post, her husband has not said much that is to be respected.......therefore holds little value for her. On second thought I take that back. What he says DOES hold value for her. It tells her she needs to move on

Pick Yourself Up and Dump Him.

Fast.

Whoo Kit Kat...HI

These Women are right. He is a control freak and will control the situation to any length he has to take. It wouldn't matter what you do, or will do..he's not going to be happy with anything. It doesn't even sounds like he likes his ownself.

I live with a control freak. I live with a man that dishes out emotional abuse and I'm telling you from experience, its not a romance novel waiting to happen. You will not, can not change him. You can not change someone if they don't want to be changed. And if he's like my husband..he will not see the error of his ways. Why, mine is the perfect man....

The best piece of advice coming from someone that can't seem to follow her own, is to get out while you can. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!! No one deserves to be treated as a dog, controlled and made to feel the way he has made you feel.

When you confronted him about the forum he posted in, and his reply was he was just mad at you...that was how he was feeling. IS NO EXCUSE! I feel, that is what he honestly thinks. Somewhere down the road he has lost any respect he has for women. Thats...if he Ever had any. And until he gains some respect, for which I don't see...there is no hope for you or the next woman that comes along.

It seems to me, from what you have said, that you have done everything in your power to make him happy. And I agree, when you have been with someone, you know when something is not right. When that feeling hits, you run.......working to fix things. And no matter what, they are never fixed.

Trust me, it a nasty circle! One day...if you don't leave now, your going to look back and wonder why you stayed in it. Will it have been worth it? And if you do, what are you gaining out of it? You can not change, what doesn't want to be changed.

Let me give you one more point to ponder.

You have children with this man.

You have male children.

They see how daddy treats mother.

They think its OK to treat mom and all Women this way.

Cause thats what they see DAddy do......

Now Mother has to work hard the rest of her life to counteract, the asshole, of a fathers method of treatment of women.

And take it from someone thats living proof that it does work that way. Its HELL!

Its a work in progress each and everyday.....Just think about it.........

I think it's difficult for someone in your situation to realize what you are giving up ... what's on the other side of this ... and when you are emotionally drained and physically drained from the effort at trying to make him happy ... well it's hard to even ponder life on your own ... get some rest .. eat something .. excerise .. prepare your body for an event ... then you'll have the energy to go ..

It's not harder to live alone .. it's much much much much easier ... can I say it again? .. it's much easier! Somehow these type of men can make you feel like you can't make it without their help ... YOU CAN! Once you get some rest ...

Lordy, it's not difficult .. get a job .. get a place .. make sure you have groceries in the house ... remember to drink water ... ride the bus, if you
have to .. I mean, what's the big mystery? It's pretty darn basic stuff ... these men get your brain all scrambled, so you can't think straight.

And what wonderful things are in store for you on the other side????

LESS housework, LESS bills, LESS time wasted thinking about their drama

MORE money .. MORE time ..

TIME to read the great literature throughout history ....

TIME for bubble baths .. .

TIME to study music ...

TIME to play the harp ...

TIME to sing! ...

TIME to write ...

TIME to plant your own garden ...

TIME to take care of your body, to do yoga, to do ballet, to get your hair fixed, to get a facial, to get a deep tissue massage

TIME to make lasting friends with strong women who are interesting and positive and funny,

TIME to date ... men who will come over, be kind, bring gifts, make a contribution to small chores, love you and then .. the absolutely BEST part .. LEAVE!

All you have on this earth is time .. everything you think you "own" will go on to someone else when you are gone....

The absolutely only thing you have is TIME ...

So .. if you've nothing better to do with your allotted time, then go ahead and stay with your TIME THIEF.

I agree heartily with the posters here about the situation you are in, and the need to get out of it, with one small comment re Dupre's post, in that all men are not like that, you may not always want one to leave. I do agree with the others, that am seeing you (and empathize) with your being subsumed in another person's personal need for control in a really scary way.

I think counselling would be a good idea, not for you two as a couple as I would be completely surprised if your husband is able to adapt to your being an equal partner even if he could ever mouth the words, but counselling for you, to develop and support your sense of yourself. You know you are a full person who is equal, but it has been hard for you to act on it.