Work in a relationship should not break your back.
It should be the most rewarding job you have.
Geez, guys, thanks for all the affirmations! It's a cold, rainy day here, but I feel all warm and snuggly now!
About work & marriage...I think I'm lucky to have married someone who's generally pretty easygoing and stoic. We know the difference between little annoyances and major difficulties. Fighting over dirty dishes in the sink is something we just don't do...we save our energy for dealing with the big stuff. And we've had some major issues to deal with. It's just been much easier dealing with them together than it would have been to deal with them all alone.
Compromise is a given in any relationship you want to last. You have to compromise with your parents, your neighbors, your friends, your co-workers...you name it. Why should your relationship with your spouse be any different? People who go into marriage expecting sunshine and roses all the time are not being very realistic. Or mature.
I get annoyed with my husband regularly, and he with me. So what? Big deal. I know if I get a bad diagnosis from the doctor (again) or my entire career crashes (again), he will see me through it. And that's what's important.
I just happened upon this thread, great insight here from all of you.
Eva, your 5 year marrige sounded like my 13 year marriage, I was completely burnt out from giving 100% most of the time, which should be unnecessary under normal circumstances.
For instance if a spouse becomes sick then it's time to kick into high gear and take up the slack, because those thing's do happen, but if one mate is constantly bringing unnecessary stress (drinking and cheating for example) and refuses to change then all of the effort one can give becomes a waste.
There is only one thing I can think of that hasn't already been said-
If both mates give 50%, together they will have 100.
A few things.
1) People who love each other don't treat one another like crap. Sorry if that sounds offensive (or too obvious), but a lot of people seem to miss this. I mean, if you can't count on a kind word from your partner, and if you can't seem to muster up one for him or her, why are you in the relationship in the first place? Drama is stupid. But there are people who seem to be otherwise sensible who seem to be addicted to it. I'm not saying to not have passion in your life - of course you should have that! - but if every day or every week guarantees a fight or heartache or whatever, well, it doesn't matter if you're on the giving or the receiving end of that. Just walk.
2) Relationships should not be work. They should flow. If it's a lot of effort, you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I'm not saying to be lazy or to count up how much you get versus what you give, but if it's a job and a chore then why do it?
3) Everyone over the age of 18 can live on their own, unless you are severely disabled. And, even then, you can get yourself a support system, through therapists, doctors, family, friends, neighbors, whoever. And it does not matter how much education you have, how many kids you have, where you live or whether you are working. You can do it. Hanging around in a relationship because you think you can't do this is, IMO, just so much foolishness. No one needs to exchange sex or companionship in order to get a roof over their head. Make the choice and get out if things aren't working out. Don't hang around just because you're afraid of living or being alone.
4) By the same token, good relationships are worth fighting for - but if one party is talking about hitting the road, chances are good that it's no longer a good relationship, if it ever was. The kids will know, and you're not doing them any favors if you stay together. Forget scandal. Forget children of divorce and statistics and yadda yadda yadda -- you and your kids will be better off if you get out of a bad marriage. A good divorce (meaning one that is as amicable as possible and puts the needs of the children first) is far, far better than a bad marriage.
5) Don't waste your time in a relationship that isn't working. You're not getting any younger, and neither is your partner. It gets harder and harder to meet people, the older you get. Sometimes it's best to let someone go, and give them the chance to find happiness elsewhere.
Whew!
Number 5 seems so obvious but is so hard to put into action. I'm a believer.
panzade wrote:Number 5 seems so obvious but is so hard to put into action. I'm a believer.
It is.
And it turns out harder when someone says "things aren't the way it used to be between us". But, people change it seems...
