End of rope with husband - Please help

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Hi, my husband and I have been married for 13 years and before that we were together for 5 years and have a beautiful 11yr old daughter as a result. In the 5 years before we married we experienced normal relationship problems but got through them and we were very happy. However the moment we married everything changed – and I mean immediately on our honeymoon where I had wanted to stay indoors lay in late and do what honeymooners do but he seemed to loose interest in being intimate with me and when I spoke to him about it he denied it and said that he was still very much in love with me still. I would of believed him if it were not that our sex life became obsolete about 5 yrs into our marriage. His drinking has increased to the point that I will say he is now an alcoholic. We recently purchased our own beautiful home after working towards that goal for many years and my Mom came to live with us. He had promised me that once we moved into our own place he will stop his excessive drinking but it only seemed to have become worse. Besides his drinking he now prefers to spend his time alone listening to music, drinking and then sleeping (in that order).. We have had many many difficult times in our marriage including his reckless behavior with money where we almost ended up in Divorce but I can never get to that point because of my daughter. I come from a divorced family and always promised myself that I would not let my own children go through that. Marriage is also sacred to me and I took my vows very seriously and I keep my promises. Needless to say that we are no longer intimate and I have broached the subject with him a couple of times and his excuse for that is that he has diabetes type 2 which affects his sexual drive. Recently came across ads posted with his mobile number as a contact number (on a different name though). The ads seeks male masturbation company and I just don’t know what to about this! I mean, what world is that and why on earth would he posts such ads! If I could leave then I would but I have my daughter and my mom to think about. Also I do not want to give up the house and the new improved school opportunities the new area gives my daughter. I doubt that I would be able to finance the new home, school and our living expenses alone. In all his faults, he is still a good father to my child and he and mom get along like a house on fire. Just seems that our marriage is dead. I am aiming on doing a project management course and apply for a better paying job. Once I have that certificate then perhaps I can support myself, my child and my mom and keep the house but till then, I just don’t know what to do.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 6 • Views: 2,650 • Replies: 23

Nothing new here: People in bad marriages stay together because of the kids, sex, and/or money. So there you are.

Only you can decide if its all worth it.

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@PUNKEY,

Hi Punkey - I know that it is nothing new but doesn't make it any less.
Also, what husband seeks male companions to masturbate with when he is not at all having sex with his wife....

1 Reply

@roseygains,

He needs a physical. Insist on it.

Does he know how miserable you are?

Hes a great dad and SIL but a neglectful husband.

You are not getting the full benefit of the marriage contract.

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@PUNKEY,

He knows - he tries to make it better by bringing coffee to me in bed....
after finding the ads, I am not sure if I want to be intimate with him because I am not sure if he has gone further than just masturbation with others...
I don't know that world and thought those things are done in private, not in a flipping group!

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Your husband could also use a mental health evaluation, because it sounds like at least part of this could be depression (note: I am not a doctor). As for his idea about male masturbation, he sounds bi-curious to me. Maybe he feels that will be more anonymous and less intimate. Hard to say.

In the meantime, take your course and have a talk with him. Again. Tell him things are dire, that you are pretty close to walking out. Don't hint or insinuate. Instead, make it abundantly clear that you are unhappy and that your marriage is hanging by a thread. He needs to be fully aware of that and not have some bullshit "I didn't know." excuse at the ready. So make sure he knows.

You can try counseling. It does not have to be with the express goal of saving your marriage. It can be with the goal of figuring out how to continue giving your daughter the best possible home, care, and schooling you can, even if your marriage ends.

You can also (AFTER you have talked to your husband, and not before!) talk to your mother. She went through this herself. How did she cope? Why did she make the decisions she did? You turned out fine. Maybe your mother can help make sure your daughter does, too. There's no sense in ignoring her experiences.

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@PUNKEY,

How much would you pay for a repair?!! You are talking seriously hard graft by any third party, not to mention yourselves.

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Impotency often results from diabetes. He may be acting out his anxiety about this by joining in on this masterbation group.

Perhaps the desire is there but the body will not work. Will he go to the Dr and discuss this?

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@roseygains,

I'd be giving consideration as to whether or not he is bi - leaning on the side of gay.

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thank you for replying. I needed to get this out and don't really want to talk about this to my family or friends. At first I thought that he lost interest in just me, u know I made excused like, I am not understanding enough, I had picked up allot of weight and he is no longer finds me appealing etc etc But for a man not to touch his wife for years (apart from kiss on the cheek) there simply has to be something wrong and he has to be getting his pleasures from somewhere right. Then finding these ads makes me think - what else has he been up to that I don't know about. *Note that he does not know that I found these ads* and I think I am also too scared to have the conversation because I know what the impact is going to be. I am mostly concerned about my mom and daughter as they are dependent on me and I can't let them down. My mom also gave the deposit for our new house and we have only been in it for a few months. My daughter has her own room, my mom feels like she is settled for the rest of her retired life. So you see, I wish that this situation affected just me but it doesn't and this is what I am battling with.

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@roseygains,

Simply "not to touch" suggests strongly to want of genuine love, and actual love/genuine love has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not you may find a person appealing sexually. This rule should even bridge time, but of course, current levels of age prejudice and discrimination (even over friendships) puts an enormous spanner in the works here. His love for you, his genuine love (should it exist) might be locked up inside of him and unable to express itself in a loving form. Presumably he is not capable of that dissection of emotional conversation the territory of girls? If his preoccupation is with sex there`s not much point in my estimation.

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@roseygains,

If you can't talk to your husband, who can you talk to?

A counselor.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Anyone, just provided that it is not her husband?

1 Reply

@celebritydiscodave,

That's not what I said - if she cannot talk to her husband (and she should be able to in order to get this as close to resolved as possible), then her next step is counseling, and it is probably pretty close to the first step, anyway. I'm not suggesting she go on Jerry Springer and tell the world about it or anything. Wink

1 Reply

@jespah,

I did n`t engage where you were at, and it was n`t meant thought to have, merely contributed a state of play adage. One also requires to know when game over. I do n`t know whether it is game over yet, and I only read about half of the introduction, but you wont gain this nature of information from a counsellor, they are paid to seemingly try and fix the unfixable, they are running a business. When it comes to counsellors though, for God`s sake do n`t assume that merely because you are having to pay them a lot that they are a lot of good. Some of the worst counsellors are the best qualified, so be aware on this level too. So how can one know to whom to turn? You know through deployment of your best untampered with instinct, and never as consequence to anything which you have been deliberately programmed by the social system to believe reality. Such thinking as this serves only to make the rich grow still
richer. You must discern innately. Why do people study counselling? Often times because they have limited natural ability, because it is something which they`d like to be good at for this reason. You can become a good counsellor through studying, but you`ll never become a great one, it must be in you.

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Thank you to all for replying and for your opinions.
I have started conversation with my husband and expressed to him how unhappy I am. I think that he understands that I am seriously considering divorce which is not what he wants. So now we will see.

1 Reply

@roseygains,

For him to show you genuine empathy he must shift his own personal reality, he must be at one with your needs. The penultimate test is now on. He gets through it and you can both move on only by unadulterated admission of his failings, so accompanied by tears, and with this a shifting in both temperament and character. Very often a relationship can only be saved once it has hit rock bottom, and this is rock bottom. Genuine recovery from here though, it`s more often merely postponing the inevitable, does take for a small miracle, for it is in my opinion well beyond the functionality of the vast majority of people.

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@roseygains,

I'm sorry for how things are going right now. I applaud you in how important you view marriage. I would encourage you to seek an Al-Non group within your area. This group will help you (and your daughter if she is ready) to deal with the effects of a family member who drinks too much.

You have received some good advice from several others here (him getting a physical, being direct about your concerns).

I saw you had spoken to him in a later post. Please keep us updated.

1 Reply

@tlf777,

In my view marriage should never get in the way of a reasonable level of happiness, more especially when there are children involved. If he is a long term habitual drinker and inadequate husband and father save your daughter, and get out. Under such circumstances I`d ask my daughter what she wants.

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Hi, thank you to all for the advice and support.
It has been a a couple of weeks now since "the talk" with my husband and he has tried somewhat. He does every now and then fall off the wagon and I thought that were were getting to a point there was perhaps a glimmer of hope.
However, some unforgiveable issues have come to light. Things that he has done which he blames on his drinking habits. I have thought deeply on what I need to do and unfortunately, I don't think that I can get past this. I have supported him through many ups and downs and stood by him but I cannot stand by him on this – I don’t think that I could live with myself if I did. It was never my intent to get a divorce as I myself come from a divorced family and it crushes my heart that I have to put my child through this.
I would like to stay in the house we are in (bought only 6 months ago) as it is finally a home for my child. I would like to keep her in the new school she is in because she is excelling there and exposed to different cultures and activities.
If we have to sell the house then I don’t think that I would be able to afford to buy another house to accommodate myself, my retired mom and my child and I really do not want to go back to renting after finally getting us settled. I have looked at the rental options and in most cases the rent is more than what we pay for our bond at the moment. All these "likes" and wishes with a very unsure future. I have applied for a course assistance at my place of work and hopefully up-skill myself and increase my salary in order to be able to support my child, my mom and myself. Financially I cannot afford a divorce but I am now trying to put the pieces together so that I can work towards that. This is very scary to me and it is a very confusing time.

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End of rope with husband - Please help

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