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I sometimes cringe when she's naked

 
 
JorgeR1
 
Reply Sun 2 Jul, 2017 10:01 am
Ok, before you write me off as an insensitive jerk allow me to explain. We've been together for 10 years 6 of those married. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and we have 1 young one together (4y.o.). I love my wife very much. She is a very even tempered, beautiful woman and an excellent mother. The only thing is is that after the last kid the baby weight never came off. I get it, having a baby reaks havoc on a woman's body.
So here's the deal. I am finding it harder and harder to find myself physically and sexually attracted to my wife. I know it's shallow and feel like a real ass for even having the feelings in the first place. It's been a little niggling voice in the back of my mind for years now that has grown until I can no longer push it aside.
I understand that it's normal in a marriage for the love to cool off over time but being disgusted by your partner's body seems something all together.
I have tried very hard to be the supportive, loving and encouraging husband and give her gentle nudges but also know that ultimately it is up to her to do the work. I get it, it's hard. I'm no Greek god myself but feel I take good care of myself for myself and her. I've expressed that I'm concerned of her health and always come from a place of love but nothing seems to motivate. Obviously I tred very lightly and do not want to hurt her emotionally. She always expresses the urge to lose the weight but when it comes time to put the rubber to the road she always puts it off until it doesn't happen at all. Bought her an elliptical (her request) and she maybe used it 4 times. Got her a gym membership but she never goes. I can't help but feel this is just laziness / character flaw.

So has anyone ever been in this situation? Any words of wisdom? I know sex isn't everything but it definitely is something. Just want to be attracted to wife again.
Thanks
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Sun 2 Jul, 2017 10:57 am
@JorgeR1,
Don't buy her stuff (or try to get her to do stuff) that she has to use (do) in isolation. Make getting fitter a part of your couplehood. That means going to the gym together, or going for walks and reconnecting, or heading to the beach and swimming in addition to sunbathing.

It also means you don't bring unhealthy foods into the house and you don't order them when you are out together and you don't complain about how you miss xyz. Want to eat a whole pizza by yourself? Then do it at lunch when you're at work, or the like. Singling her out for a change in eating habits is a recipe (pun not intended) for her feeling deprived and depressed.

And get physicals together, go to your doctors (both of you; please do not make this about her being somehow damaged) and find out if everything is okay. She could have thyroid issues and not even know about them.

I speak as someone who has had weight problems for decades. It is not a character flaw, fer chrissakes. It is very hard to get weight off and to keep it off, and that gets worse the older you are. Women are smacked very, very hard when it comes to weight issues. We naturally have more fat than you do, and we have a lot less testosterone. Having a baby makes it worse.

For everyone who repeats the magic mantra that the fewer calories you take in, the less you'll weight, riddle me this, Batman: starvation mode is very real.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/264810-weight-loss-starvation-mode/
http://www.webmd.com/diet/obesity/features/lose-weight-dangers#1
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/18ytm6/i_am_a_registered_dietitian_at_the_mayo_clinic_ama/c8jbbir/

Metabolic adaptation (where, once you have dieted and lost significant weight, your body needs fewer calories to maintain, thereby setting you up for a regain unless you continue to cut calories) is also very real:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.21538/full

Diets are hard to implement and follow (I am suggesting changing your eating habits as well so that she has some support at home). The stats are awful: a good 95 -99% of all dieters will gain at least some of it back.
http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Dieting-Does-Not-Work-UCLA-Researchers-7832
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2015/03/diets_do_not_work_the_thin_evidence_that_losing_weight_makes_you_healthier.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-164233/Only-100-dieters-keeps-weight-off.html

It is not impossible to lose weight and it is often (although not always) healthier if you do. However, seeing an inability to get started as a character flaw is counterproductive. And emotionally isolating her from you for what her metabolism is doing is not going to help anything, either. You are going to have to be along for this ride.
NSFW (view)
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Dec, 2019 06:34 pm
Smooooth!
0 Replies
 
2bgoodagain
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 11 Dec, 2019 10:50 am
@jespah,
I have to agree with half what you say...

I also know a personal friend of mine who has 6 kids, 3 births. One set was Quads. And granted, all she does is take care of them, though lately with most of them in highschool, she now owns a hair salon and works that too.

Losing weight IS hard and keeping it off HARDER. But it really does come down to less caloric intake without starving yourself... plus.. eating more wholesome, unprocessed foods.

She looks stunningly like a younger 30 something old vs 42, her actual age.

It's not just about will power, b/c let's face it, in our society, it's hard to avoid food ads. It's also about pain vs fear. Sometimes, when the pain of being overweight becomes too much, you come to a place where you have to choose... the pleasure of food vs the pain of limited clothes selection or self perception or whatever it is that hurts you or bothers you.


I gotta tell you, for decades, it was easier to just give up. Sure, i'd attempt some exercises and then just give up or come up with a rationale of why. Anyway, it isn't easy but it is doable. it's about willpower + pain = possible change.

now starving yourself is definitely NOT what you want to do. Starvation = fat storing mode / weight gain.

But I believe the minimum calorie intake before your body goes into emergency fat storage mode is around 1200 calories. NOT that you have to do 1200 calories for women, 1500 calories for men, but general guidelines so you don't go under that threshold.

that alone, will make you lose weight. Throw in some strength reps with combination of cardio... you'll be surprised the results. Better toned body and the fat will melt away. But again, you gotta want it bad enough. Add knowledge. Add support. And every pound add it to your victories and you'll get there. or she will.

having said that, you still should improve yourself too. along with her.


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