Lost myself

Since you can't make an escape right now, you are going to need to work toward that. I know that depression can make that harder to do, but I think you'll feel at least a bit better if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That may mean getting a job or using eBay to sell some stuff or taking in other folks' kids to watch them for money, or something else.

You may also take some solace with working with your children to help them become strong and independent, whether that's to help them with their homework, or hover less, or whatever is appropriate (and is age-appropriate).

Can you talk to your doctor about therapy? Your insurance might cover at least a few sessions and it might stretch if you go to group therapy rather than one on one. I hope this helps. Hang in there.

I agree with Jespah.

If you are feeling depressed, therapy is the best thing. Not only can you get help fo your feelings, a therapist can also provide a rational voice (from someone not emotionally involved) and get you in contact with other resources. This would be the first step in getting the strength to make positive changes.

Many therapists work with sliding scales (meaning you only pay as much money as you can). And there are organizations who are there to support women in abusive relationships who can help you get support.

There are a lot of other places to go for support. Al-Anon runs support groups for family members of alcoholics.

Take care of your self. Getting a therapist would be a great first step.