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How do I make changes while taking a break?

 
 
Reply Fri 23 Jun, 2017 06:24 pm
My boyfriend and I split up because our relationship wasn't working anymore. I was going through my own issues which caused me to pull away from him. A few days ago he was going to break up with me but I asked him for a break. He agreed to that and also agreed that he'd consider taking me back if I worked on the problems that caused our relationship to end.

I've never taken a break in a relationship before, so I'm very confused as to what we are and aren't supposed to do. Other people told me you're not supposed to talk during a break, but we still talk. Nothing like we used to, but we still do stay in touch with each other. He knows how I feel about us splitting up, which I don't want and he said he would give us another try but he's afraid nothing is going to change.

How do I make things change? I'm so afraid that I'm going to mess things up. Communication was our biggest issue as well as me getting upset and constantly angry at him. I'm making it an effort to not run to everyone else when I have a problem, but go to him. I'm just not sure how I will do that. Is it okay for me to talk to him as if we're still in a relationship? When I have problems, can I open up about them to him? Sometimes I feel he's cold to me, which I can't really blame him after all I've put him through. How much communication is too much? As in us talking daily.

I know communication needs to get better, as well as my jealousy. I started hanging around his friends more often because I didn't do that before. I'm afraid he still might not think I'm communicating with him enough though?

I'm also confused as to whether we're still a couple or not? Do I still treat him and acknowledge that he's my boyfriend? Is he still my boyfriend?

Please give me some advice on this topic.
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tibbleinparadise
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Jun, 2017 07:51 pm
@Halfwaythere,
You are single but unavailable for the time being.

You look at what the problems were in your relationship, look at your part in those problems, decide if you want to change your behavior, the act accordingly. If there are things you want to change but don't know how then you seek guidance from a counselor or therapist.

Keep a basic level of contact, be friendly, let him know what you are doing, "Hey, how's it going, I'm doing okay but had a rough day yesterday. I found a really good therapist and she is helping with issue xyz". If he really is interested in continuing the relationship he will be responsive to your communication and efforts at effecting change. If you feel that he has really pulled away or is uninterested you need to communicate that to him to gain an understanding of how he is feeling.

At some point in this process you may need to accept that the relationship is done, just make sure it is a clean break where you both understand that you, as a couple, aren't coming back together. At that point, if it comes, continue to make self improvements and move on with life.
Halfwaythere
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Jun, 2017 09:34 pm
@tibbleinparadise,
I know what the problems were, I want to change them but I'm afraid I won't be able to.

It feels like it's too late. Like he's already given up though he said he'd give me another chance.
tibbleinparadise
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 Jun, 2017 03:25 pm
@Halfwaythere,
If you don't know how to change a behavior seek help from a therapist, that's what they do.

The relationship may not work, but that's okay. Work on yourself and he will either come around or he won't.
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