How is MIL supposed to live on her own, with 3 other people in the house? Seems kind of like a way to hold her back from developing new friendships and relationships. How is she going to bring someone back to the house?
Unfortunatly, there is no seperation in the house that we could move into like..garage..etc. We moved into her home. And since we have no plans on living with her for very long the idea of buying a new home to accomidate wont fly. At least not with me. I dont want to spend along time with her. I just want to help a bit then go on.
Eh- It is kind of had to explain... her mental state is really wierd. Her husband was anything but a spokes model of a good man. Controling, abusive, not ever holding a job because that was HER job...to support him so he can enjoy HIS life.. etc.
She needs to learn that her decisions and her ideas are GOOD and are ok. She has never even had a big part of any decision in the most mundane things. HE decided to buy this house.. yet he doesnt have any money.. ( ? ) He bought her clothes for her so he would see her in what HE liked.. HE had the credit cards.. yet no job to pay for them.. etc.. Catch my drift? It was a decision all of us mad eand she actually asked us to help her with. Strange situation.. yes.. but it is helping her. For a big starter.. I am her FIRST female friend she has had with out Peters approval.. ( sigh) I dont want to get on that soap box! haha.
This all reminds me of the immortal and wise words of our beloved Marvin Gaye:
I've been really tryin, baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on,
Let's get it on
Lets get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
We're all sensitive people
With so much love to give, understand me sugar
Since we got to be
Lets say, I love you
There's nothin wrong with me
Lovin you -
And givin yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true
Don't you know how sweet and wonderful, life can be
I'm askin you baby,
to get it on with me
I aint gonna worry,
I aint gonna push
So come on, come on, come on, come on baby
Stop beatin round the bush...
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
sozobe wrote:I'm not sure about this state of mind stuff. I mean, do you hug in front of her? Smile at each other in front of her? There are probably a lot of everyday couple things that you do in front of her that would be just as if not more affecting. If you're like yelling and screaming, that would be discourteous, sure, but for just standard "I don't want to hear my son having monkey sex" reasons.
She probably cares much less than you think if it's reasonably quiet, and if she does care, something else will set her off -- a sex scene in a movie, whatever. You may be taking an unreasonable amount of responsibility for her state of mind on your own shoulders. Only so much can be controlled.
I think that if you can be this circumspect and have a perfectly good sex life, fine, whatever -- but if it has a negative affect on your sex life and you don't actually know if it matters to her... well, doesn't seem worth it.
IMO.
You hit the nail on the head. I do exactly that. I am putting her before me without even knowing if it matters or not. I have done that with people all my life. And yes it IS having a negative effect on my sex/love life. So i guess one of my life lessons is how to NOT put others so far in front of me that it takes away from my happiness.
My husband and I DO hug, kiss, smile and just enjoy each other in front of her. No problem. We are respectable about it.. I mean.. we dont clean each others tonsils!!! HAHAHA!
Butwe kiss each other goodbye, hello and just randomly through out the day.We have argued in front of her and have even had issues that we have asked her opinion on. So it is probally very true that this ISNT going to be an enormous deal for her.. I am just making it out to be in my own mind.. ya think?
Hmmm....
:: pulling out Marvin Gaye album ::
I think it's very possible.
Go for it, see what happens.
Not necessarily screamy monkey sex, but ok so the bedsprings are creaking, big whoop, the bed is still more comfortable than the floor...
Kristie wrote:shewolfnm wrote:We are respectable about it.. I mean.. we dont clean each others tonsils!!! HAHAHA!
you don't? :wink:
Let me re-phrase..
Not in front of her we dont..
Any other time.... ooooooooo :wink:
shewolf, I think what is really helpful for her is living with a normal, happily married couple that treat each other well. It will restore a sense of normalcy to her life, which she must need badly.
That is one of the things I am hoping for Eva. I am hoping that by example Ian and myself can show her what it is like to have a loving relationship instead of an abusive dominating one. And hope that if she chooses to date again that she wont pick the same kind of person.
( Im too old fer' my britches on this one.. haah MIL is 52 My husband and I are 30'ish. Talk about reverse roles)
sozobe wrote:Not necessarily screamy monkey sex.......
Ahhhhwwww schucks... ya mean, we CANT hang from the ceiling??!!!
>pout<
Yeah, that seems to go back to more responsibility than is actually warranted, shewolfnm.
(I sympathize, I have similar tendencies.)
It sounds like what your M-I-L most needs is to learn how to be INDEPENDENT -- to rely on herself rather than her husband or even her son and wonderful daughter-in-law.
I think this came up before, sorry if I forgot the answer, is she seeing a counselor? Both to help her deal with things now and to be someone who can continue to be there for her, if needed, after you guys have left?
You're all adults, shewolf. Age doesn't matter.
People get caught up in destructive patterns at all ages. Having just turned 50, that doesn't sound all that old to me anymore (haha!) I hope she will decide to live the rest of her life differently. I know your example can only help.
I'm imagining what it must be like for her, to open her eyes to life again after all those years.
Yes she is seeing someone. Every tuesday. I have talked with him myself. I have told him about her previous drinking problems . He is probally the best thing that has happened to her in a while.
M-I-L needs to learn alot. She needs to learn how to be a woman, independant, confident, secure.. etc.
All things I know I cant give her. All things I know are not my responsibility to give her.. but things I HOPE that by example I can show her how to be. Sometimes I feel quite arrogant for thinking that way, but she has never had the opportunity to discover these things in herself. I can be there and show her.
""(I sympathize, I have similar tendencies.)""
How do you handle it ? How have you found a way to turn it off when necessary?
Eva wrote:You're all adults, shewolf. Age doesn't matter.
People get caught up in destructive patterns at all ages. Having just turned 50, that doesn't sound all that old to me anymore (haha!) I hope she will decide to live the rest of her life differently. I know your example can only help.
I'm imagining what it must be like for her, to open her eyes to life again after all those years.
If you were in her situation what would you do? Do you think that if your family members decided to do for you what we have done for her would help?
Oh, that's great about the counselor. Cool.
How do I handle it? Not very well. ;-) I made a New Year's resolution last/ this year (December 31st 2003) -- "Not my problem" It helped for a while, I've gotten away from it a bit, though. Mostly I just try to recognize the tendency and try to step back from something, get perspective.
I went through a period after this election where I truly felt personally responsible for what happened -- it all came down to Ohio, I was in Ohio, I did stuff but not nearly enough, if I had only done more -- that just gets silly, so I try to step back and recognize the silliness. I tend to see the responsibility stuff as a good thing -- I LIKE being the responsible one, the one that everyone counts on to work miracles and save the day -- but I try to realize when that becomes an ego trip. I'm not all that.
shewolfnm wrote:Eva wrote:You're all adults, shewolf. Age doesn't matter.
People get caught up in destructive patterns at all ages. Having just turned 50, that doesn't sound all that old to me anymore (haha!) I hope she will decide to live the rest of her life differently. I know your example can only help.
I'm imagining what it must be like for her, to open her eyes to life again after all those years.
If you were in her situation what would you do? Do you think that if your family members decided to do for you what we have done for her would help?
Well, I am nothing like her, so it's hard for me to say. But I have known women in that sort of situation....they lived for someone else instead of for themselves. Then suddenly the other person is gone, and POOF! there goes their entire self-image with them.
She has to rebuild a sense of self in order to not fall into the same old patterns with another controller. I think it is good that you've set a time limit on staying with her. It will be much more comfortable for her to orient her life around the three of you instead of developing her own interests. I'd encourage her to do that while slowly stepping away. Don't let her substitute her dependence for Peter for a dependence on you. Can you talk to her about this sort of thing? Will she listen?
I would not know how to approach her on the 'dependancy issue because I am not sure it is happening. She will listen to an extent. She is still very absorbed in her grief.. understandably so.
I never thought of the responsibility issue as an ego trip.... excellent observation.
>shocked< I never knew I liked myself that much. Hahaha
Tonight I am going to talk to my husband. I am going to basically put it like this..
No more talk. more sex. Period. More US time, period.
Now... get naked. hahah :-)
( crossing fingers ) I hope that from here on out things will get better.
I can tell that the general idea from you guys on this thread is that there isnt anything wrong in my relationship.. it is just a matter of DOING it and not talking about it.
Thank you. I cant tell you how much better I feel hearing all these ideas and realizing that I am not the only one. ;-)
and while you don't want to be thinking about your MIL while you're having sex, shewolfNM, perhaps remembering that part of that healthy relationship you want to demonstrate for you MIL is sex will help.
Not quite doing it for god and country, but near enough.
just noticed that "absorbed in her grief" comment. her husband died in February. absorbed in her grief is not a healthy place for her to be.
