Husband and wife living more and more like friends...

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If you have ever read any of my posts, you know my husband means the world to me. My husband is a huge part of my entire being. with out him I would not be the mother, wife, friend and lover I am today.
I cherish him.
We have reciently moved in with his mother. Her husband died in Feburary of this year. They were married 32 years. Of course, she is crushed and having a real hard time.
My husband and I decided that it would really help her heart to have Jillian ( our daughter ) closer to her and give her the sence of a -full house- like she was used to when her husband was alive.
Having said that... know that things have been hard on all of us. Deaths are not the best experience in anyones life.
Since we have moved in, our relationship has been .. well.. boring.
Sex? What is that? We are lucky if we have sex once a month. GRANTED.. we are both new parents, we both work.. all of that plays into the time/ability/energy for sex. But another factor we didnt consider before we moved in was his mother.
Noone.. ( Laughing

) wants thier mother to know they are having sex. We have talked about it before. We both really feel that it would not only sort of -rub in- the fact that her husband is dead but would make for awkward moments in the event that she would ever hear us. Embarrassed

So, our sexual priority has dropped to the way-side.
We both talk about this ... over and over and over again. It is , at this point, in my opinion, SEX. All we do is talk about how to fix the problem, but it seems that the priority is LOW.
Our communication skills suck now. We have never been people to really have a knock down drag out fight because of the fact that we communicate so well. That has changed also.
Our time together, just sitting around talking to each other, well. that is gone too. It is taking alot of work just to be friends then to be anything else.
I am starting to get jealous of his time with his friends. ( Im too old for that) He goes to his friends house once a week . Friday nights. And anytime our schedules dont allow this, he gets angry and really upset. In my eyes, I am wishing that he would put up that kind of fight when we dont have time... not when he doesnt have time with his friends. ( childish jealousy .. I have never been a slave to this before )
I understand, as a human, he NEEDS this time away from home, work, etc. I am not going to take that from him. I have approached him about this and how I feel and why I feel that way.. and again.. we talk, figure out something.. then go on the exact same way we did before.
When my husband and I met , we knew that if we wanted to have any kind of fullfilling relationship 2 things would have to happen.
1) No cheating . That isnt an issue
2) Remove the words.. seperation and divorce form our vocab.
Coming into a relationship with the idea that you can always leave if things get bad really damages your ability to put forth your entire person to keep the relationship going. We both agreed on that one. The only time that #2 is an option is if #1 is broken. Period.

We truly love each other. I still find my husband sexy, attractive, he is SO intelligant an just a wonderful person. He is my best friend and every day I am thankful to him for our daughter.

But I am tired of living as his friend.
I want to be his lover again.
Any suggestions?

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Sneak outside when the old lady is sleeping and do it on the lawn.

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Hi shewolfnm,

First, I sympathize. A baby is a major disruption, even a wonderbaby like Jillian. You definitely have to put in an extra effort to work through that disruption.

I can see how the time with his friends would be really important to your husband. Do YOU have some time to yourself, too? I think that's extremely important.

How comfortable are you with leaving Jillian with your M-I-L? That negative (M-I-L is crimping your style) can become a positive (live in babysitter!) Maybe you guys can set up a date night, even if you were never really dating types, where your M-I-L watches Jillian and you guys go out and have some uninterrupted time together. Can even splurge for a hotel now and then, though a lot can be accomplished in a car... ;-)

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My X and I moved in with his mom after her husband passed away, we didn't have a chid at the time.
That was not an easy situation she was ultra demanding and we became her slaves. What made thing's tolerable was we were able to save money and purchase another house.
Now, you have a baby sitter right there, can you and the hubby get away for the weekend while the Mother in-law watches the baby, that might temporarily help to put some zing back into your relationship and it will be something fun to look forward to.
You truly love him and still find him sexy, what a blessing to feel that way, you are head and shoulders above a lot of married couples who are merely room-mates.
How long do you plan to live with mom?

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gustavratzenhofer wrote:

Sneak outside when the old lady is sleeping and do it on the lawn.

We have no fence. What a show!!!! Twisted Evil

We would be arrested , but I would be the happiest prisoner in history. Twisted Evil

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I sympathize as well...

My hubby and I lived with his parents for a year before the wedding to save money. Boy was that weird especially after already living alone together. Sex was a "special" occasion to say the least. My suggestion is this: do it on the floor and quietly. No bed creaking at least. And then maybe once a month, leave the baby with your mother in law and rent a hotel room. I don't know where you live but i know by me you can get a jacuzzi room for $85-100. It will be an expense well worth it and you can have the loudest, wildest sex you want! If you're into it, you can also "pick him up" at a local bar and go back to the hotel room together for a little added excitment.

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I feel like my hubby and I are just roommates. It sucks. Big time. But maybe instead of talking about you just need to do it.

one night, perhaps after he gets home from his date with his buddies, have the bedroom all set up. Candles, music (for sound control)....and just DO IT. You might find that the having to be quiet is exciting, like it was when you were in high school. You didn't let parents stop you from having sex then so why now? :wink:

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oooo, and on the note of the hotel, you could always "kidnap" him, blind fold him and take him to the hotel room. It doesn't have to be fancy...just clean. Smile

It might not be the perfect answer but it will be something you look forward to every month you have to live there!

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Definitely agree about the quiet thing btw. We have a hearing ear baby -- she's always been exquisitely attuned to the slightest noise. So even though we don't have a live-in M-I-L, we have to be very quiet to avoid having the KID walk in on us. (Still amazed that we've made it this far... knock on wood...) Being quiet doesn't have to be a deal-breaker, at all.

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Sozobe, have you thought of installing locks on your bedroom doors?

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sozobe wrote:

Hi shewolfnm,

First, I sympathize. A baby is a major disruption, even a wonderbaby like Jillian. You definitely have to put in an extra effort to work through that disruption.

I can see how the time with his friends would be really important to your husband. Do YOU have some time to yourself, too? I think that's extremely important.

How comfortable are you with leaving Jillian with your M-I-L? That negative (M-I-L is crimping your style) can become a positive (live in babysitter!) Maybe you guys can set up a date night, even if you were never really dating types, where your M-I-L watches Jillian and you guys go out and have some uninterrupted time together. Can even splurge for a hotel now and then, though a lot can be accomplished in a car... ;-)

Wonderbaby... Very Happy

That was sweet. Thank you. Smile

We leave Jilly-bean with MIL alot. Mostly to do some shopping and usually to give us time to just go out. We both love bookstores so we do things like that alot together. It just doesnt seem like enough anymore. And it is becoming 'routine'. MIL is always happy to watch 'bean' ( her nickname ) . I have not thought of the hotel thinnggy though. hehe. Him and I HAVE discussed ... our next vehicle will be a station-wagon. Twisted Evil

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The quiet sex has happened before.. fun!
It is like being in school... the whole " Shhhhhhhhh!!!!!!' and then we giggled like kids.
Hmm... on the floor.... WONDERFUL idea.
:-)

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Quote:

We leave Jilly-bean with MIL alot. Mostly to do some shopping and usually to give us time to just go out.

Wow, what luxury! Really, that would have been absolute manna from heaven when sozlet was that age. You gotta work it.

If you feel it's not enough, maybe have one standing "date night" per week, which is absolute, and then additional outings as needed/ as your M-I-L is up for it.

Also, she's an adult -- I really think you could just outright say to her, "we need some time to ourselves, how about if you take Jillian for a little outing?" Then you guys could have the house to yourself for a while.

From what you've said about her before, I think she'd be able to handle that maybe better than you'd expect.

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Our original idea was to live with MIL for 5 years.
Having the first 2 years non negotiable. We both agreed before we moved in that the primary reason for living with her was to help her heal and be there to help her while she learns how to basically be a woman by herself. We are lucky that we can only imagine what she is going through and not know it first hand. But we stay conscious of the fact that we DO still have each other and she doesnt have her husband anymore, so that common courtesy is a BIG reason for our lack of intimacy.

The next 3 years after that we are going to start searching for a house of our own. Those years.. well.. they may be cut pretty damn short if I have a say so. Twisted Evil

I love the ideas of the hotels.. kidnapping him.. etc.
I think that is a good solution and I should just get 'over' my- dont let the momma know- hang up and ask her one day to watch bean for a few hours, and do just that.
As for waiting for him to come home from his friends house? Hmm.. no. He doesnt get home sometimes until 2 or 3 am. Im too tired for that. Though I have thought about it. Im just too lazy to wait up. hehe

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he he he...ok so don't wait up. But definitly get the comforter, lay it on the floor (rug burns can get pretty nasty in certain places....) and go at it.

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sozobe wrote:

Also, she's an adult -- I really think you could just outright say to her, "we need some time to ourselves, how about if you take Jillian for a little outing?" Then you guys could have the house to yourself for a while.

I wish I were that bold. Laughing

I think the hotel thing is easier for me. BUT later on after we have been here longer and her pain isnt so fresh.. that is a good suggestion.
Yeah, she is an adult... she knows we have sex DUH we have bean. hehe
Im just trying ( too much i think ) to really stay considerate to her state of mind.
Maybe I need to rethink my tactics.....Because obviously it isnt working for MY relationship.
That isnt selfish is it?

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Hmm.. i just had another idea..
Morning time everyone is in the shower... MIL would never know... heheh

I feel sorry for my husband when he gets home today. he may not be ready for all this.. hehe
:-)

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shewolfnm wrote:

Hmm.. i just had another idea..
Morning time everyone is in the shower... MIL would never know... heheh

I feel sorry for my husband when he gets home today. he may not be ready for all this.. hehe
:-)

All the better.... Shocked

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Shower is good!

I don't think it's selfish in the least, shewolfnm.

I'm not sure about this state of mind stuff. I mean, do you hug in front of her? Smile at each other in front of her? There are probably a lot of everyday couple things that you do in front of her that would be just as if not more affecting. If you're like yelling and screaming, that would be discourteous, sure, but for just standard "I don't want to hear my son having monkey sex" reasons.

She probably cares much less than you think if it's reasonably quiet, and if she does care, something else will set her off -- a sex scene in a movie, whatever. You may be taking an unreasonable amount of responsibility for her state of mind on your own shoulders. Only so much can be controlled.

I think that if you can be this circumspect and have a perfectly good sex life, fine, whatever -- but if it has a negative affect on your sex life and you don't actually know if it matters to her... well, doesn't seem worth it.

IMO.

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my mil says she knows we have sex but she doesn't want to hear about it. Probably the mentality of most mils.

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Not only MILs Kristie.
I never wanted to imagine my parents having sex either.
---

shewolfnm,
Is there a possibility for you all to move into a different
house, where the 'mother-in-law quarters" are separate
from the main house? We've had that once that above
a huge garage, was a separate apartement for guests or
MILs. Worked out great!

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Husband and wife living more and more like friends...

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