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Sat 10 Jun, 2017 09:29 am
I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, but sometimes things feel very strained between us. When we're together, we hardly talk. If I try to start a conversation he quickly ends it by giving close ended replies. We don't talk about our problems, if there's something wrong with him, he doesn't open up about it to me.
For a big part of it, I don't feel I know him and every time I feel we're getting somewhere, we get set back. I told him that I'm afraid of losing him and him hurting me, he reassured me I have nothing to worry about, but I'm still not too sure. He just pulls away so much. It's getting to the point where I thought about calling things off, but I don't want to. He makes me happy and I'm willing to fight for this, but I can't if he tells me nothings wrong and isn't willing to make things move forward.
Everyday I feel horrible. I want to feel happy but I can't when it's constantly playing on my mind that something is wrong.
I've also noticed that he takes solace in his friends more than he does me. We don't work like a team how we should in a relationship. It's him and then there's me. It hurts me when I see him talking to his friends rather than talking to me, but I give him his space because I don't want to be overbearing. Sometimes he honestly makes me feel like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Like I'm there when he wants to talk to me. Or that I am some kind of burden.
@Maybebroken,
Talk to a counselor about why you think your boyfriend is supposed to be taking this kind of a role in your life, and why you think you should be taking such a role in his.
It doesn't mean you can't have closeness, etc. But him talking to his friends is pretty damned normal.
@Maybebroken,
Maybebroken wrote:
I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, but sometimes things feel very strained between us.
I've also noticed that he takes solace in his friends more than he does me.
it's an interesting question / set of questions you pose here
1. were you friends before you became boyfriend/girlfriend?
1a. do you both consider each other friends aside from thinking of each other as romantic partners?
2. how are you determining that you are in love with each other?
3. do you like each other?
@ehBeth,
Yes, we were friends before we started dating. I count him as a friends outside of dating, I'm not sure if he does. He usually separates what he tells others from what he tells me. We don't talk like we used when we were just friends. At first I thought that was a good thing, but I want us to be best friends because that's how you're supposed to be when dating.
We care deeply about each other. The way I feel for him isn't how I care about anyone else. I'm my happiest when we're together. He makes me life better. He's my heart.
We butt heads some times, but I think it's safe to say we like each other.
@jespah,
I'm not saying it isn't. I understand it's normal, but shouldn't we be each others safe haven? Not our friends but each other. His friends know him better than I do.
I'm a little confused by what you mean when you say role. If you mean our emotions, isn't that what your partner is for?
@Maybebroken,
Maybebroken wrote: I count him as a friends outside of dating, I'm not sure if he does.
talk to him about this
__
We can only go by the perspective you give us, but to me it reads as if he separates friendship from romantic relationships. I don't know your ages but if you're adults, both hoping that this is to lead to a long-term relationship, counselling for you as a couple, and individually, could be in order.
If you're in your teens - mid-twenties, I'd try talking to him myself and if it doesn't pan out , accept that it's a temporary relationship and enjoy it for what it is. (easier to say than do - but truly can be fun)
@Maybebroken,
Maybebroken wrote:
I'm not saying it isn't. I understand it's normal, but shouldn't we be each others safe haven? Not our friends but each other. His friends know him better than I do.
yup. I agree. you should be friends - and I don't read that he understands that.
I notice that some people forget that friend is part of the words - boyfriend/girlfriend
@ehBeth,
We're both 18. Though we both talk about our relationship being long term. Which is what I want. I never felt this happy with anyone else.
@Maybebroken,
18.
I personally think 18 is too young to expect most people to understand what is required for long-term relationships. There are always exceptions to that of course.
Try talking to him about the friendship side of your relationship. Pull back a bit on the romantic side of things - and focus on the friendship side. Do friend stuff together rather than dating stuff. It may help.
I'm always romantic with my boyfriend, or the best that I can be. But it seems like that's all we are; romantic. I don't want us to just be that way. A relationship is more than just romance. It's a friendship. A partnership.
I feel we're lacking that big time.
@ehBeth,
What would we do together as friendship activities?
@ehBeth,
Would doing things in a group activity with our friends help?
@Maybebroken,
Hard to know without knowing him. What are his hobbies/interests? Focus on those.
@Maybebroken,
Yup, I think that's part of the picture. Be part of each other's friend groups. That doesn't mean you both have to do everything with each other's friends (that would be suffocating) but yeah occasionally being part of friend activities together is good.
@ehBeth,
Thank you so much! You really helped a lot, I was starting to feel like this relationship is hopeless.
@Maybebroken,
You're very welcome.
Good luck.
Try to remember the friend part of boyfriend/girlfriend and maybe you can help your boyfriend remember/learn that as well.
This all seems very lopsided to me.
He's not ready/able to see a woman as a friend yet and you want equal attention to a guy still attached to his buddies. At 18, who can blame him. Guys are usually 18 months behind girls at this age, socially.
Perhaps you need an older man.
@PUNKEY,
I typically go for older guys, but he caught my attention from the moment I met him. He is good for being in a relationship with, he doesn't understand what needs to be done for a relationship.
What I don't get is why it's hard to understand that your girlfriend isn't on the same level as your buddies. I most definitely don't see him equal to my friends. He's my boyfriend.
@Maybebroken,
Difference is maturity. He's still a kid.
@Maybebroken,
Why are you with this guy? You said that you hardly talk. You said if you try to start a conversation he quickly ends it by giving close ended replies. Why put yourself through this? You said he doesn't open up to you and he pulls away. If you ask me it sounds like this guy isn't all that into you. Move on!!! You're better off with someone who wants to talk to you and someone who will open up to you. You're better off with someone who will make you happy and you don't have to constantly worry about things. You don't deserve to feel horrible. You deserve to feel happy and special. You said that he makes you happy and that you're willing to fight for this and then you say you want to feel happy. Sounds to me like you're confused. If he takes solace in his friends more than he does you I hate to tell you this but he's not really into you. Move on!!!
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