Fri 5 May, 2017 02:22 pm
So this just happened. Found out my wife had been cheating on me since December. I did find out about this when I finally checked her emails on her phone (we know each others pin numbers). Without going into details, there was no doubt that she had been cheating me. When I told her I had checked her email, she knew what I had found. Yeah, I know, it's shitty to check her emails, but I did.
I had maybe sensed something was up, but was telling myself that it was stress (you bet it was that too), our busy lives with demanding careers and two young kids etc. but I guess I had blind trust in her and I'm not suspicious or jealous kind of guy.
Anyway. I didn't walk out, I didn't start freaking out telling her to pack her bags. I had a chance to take a breath and think before acting. After I confronted her with the extremely hurtful findings, the floodgates opened up. She told me that she had never stopped loving me, she never meant to hurt me, she never meant to risk our family and our life and I heard "I'm sorry" more times that day than in my 30 some years life so far. At this point I had made up my mind, that I'm willing to work on our relationship/marriage, but it's her job to do the work. This is my life too and maybe I'm a sucker, but I don't have a plan B and I do love her. I made her to contact him to tell him it's over and never to contact, attempt to contact or even cross paths with us. She did contact him and ended their relationship. I know this wasn't easy for her for various reasons that I don't wish to share here to protect everybody's identity, but I had to have her go through this to get us back on the path to "recovery". If she is not willing to endure pain, there is no way we have a future together.
We have spent a lot of time talking, this is one thing that will help as we have always talked about everything and there has never been off limits areas that we don't talk. I have heard her side of not wanting to hurt, falling down the rabbit hole, wanting to protect me etc. and I have shared my side...well I don't really have a side that I need to explain to her, just making her work for this and making sure she shares the pain and in a way I'm taking my anger on her by explaining in detail my perspective, experience, emotions and all the related **** to her. I do understand what she is telling me and there is no erasing what she did, no matter what are the reasons, or in this case lack of reasons. Apparently there is nothing lacking in our relationship, there is nothing wrong, I didn't do anything wrong, she wasn't looking for anything else (that's kind of interesting tidbit, but means very little as she did cheat me), she is/was happy and she can't ask for me to do anything more. All this is good to hear, but it also leaves me with very little to do as I do like to fix things but there is nothing really that needs to be fixed. But talk is cheap, she will need to win my forgiveness and work on gaining back my trust. I will not stay in a relationship where I would hold grudges or could not trust my wife.
But now I'm working to forgive her. I think I'm well down the path to forgiveness, although things can still go wrong as this is still a rollercoaster ride from hell. I am surprised of my own reaction to this as running and hiding or responding with physical violence tend to be my two "go to" reactions to ****. I would never hurt her, let me be very clear. I have been surprisingly calm and facing this challenge head on.
So I guess the purpose of this rambling is to just put in words what's going on. You may judge me, criticize me or give me advice or whatever.
EDIT: I forgot to add, we have been together for a long time, half her lifetime and almost half of mine. We have gone through other challenges before and I am hopeful that we will figure this out as well.
I suggest couples counseling (note: I am not a doctor). Why? Because it should help to get these feelings and issues in front of an impartial, professional third party.
I encourage counseling. also
Why? Because there's a story behind all this and she needs a safe place to tell it. and you need to vent also, in a safe environment.
There's never one side to situations like this.
Well...she has pretty much told me everything. Or she swore she has told everything and it's hard for me to imagine there could possibly be anything more. I know more than I really need to know...but that's how it goes. We have always talked about everything with no topic being off limits, well except this last 4-5 months, so now we're getting back on track.
Might still get some counseling though.
And what did you confess to her?
Neglect, apathy, boredom, distraction, self absorbed, worked too much, poor hygiene,, etc.?
You make this all sound like it was all her doing that she sought attention from another man.
There is always a co-responsibility at times like this . Counseling will help feelings come out.
Mostly disconnect and many contributing factors that caused the disconnect. I knew about their emails and that they were meeting for lunch every now and then, but I was really not concerned because there was a very good and purely platonic reason for them keeping in touch. But I missed the moment when she stopped talking and it really didn't occur to me until I checked her email.
She does not want me to blame myself for anything as, according to her, she doesn't think there was anything I could have done to stop this from happening unless I was jealous, overbearing, suspicious guy who monitored her every move. If that was the case, we would not have a 12 year relationship together.
I'm going to talk to somebody today and am curious to see what comes out of that. I've never talked to any professional about any mental stuff so going in with open mind.
But you are correct, much of the fault lies with me and I need to figure out what it is and how to correct what I have done or have not done at all or not enough.
I guess the true test will come when I drop the ball again. I know it will happen, but don't know yet when it will happen. Maybe we'll go another 10 years with no issues or maybe something comes up sooner.
Bull Crap!! There may have been something lacking in the relationship between the BOTH of you, but YOU are not responsible for the choice SHE made. Sorry, just had to get that out.