Should I trust my husband?

Forums: Wife, Trust, Relationships, Marriage, Husband
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My husband and I have been together for a total of 3 years now this month. We got married a year and a half into our relationship. We have always had a great relationship like almost unbelievably perfect we are best friend and he feels like my other half when things are good. I have trust issues which are from other guys I was sorta with before my husband and my father who I found out was cheating on my mom at a young age. It wasn't till we finally moved in together I noticed some woman email on his Facebook like maybe he was talking to her but deleted it but I'm still not sure it was almost a year and a half ago now. He suggested we just share a Facebook so now we do. He doesn't use social media and never really has. But I'm having a hard time trusting him. This has been going on for while and I know I am probably to blame. Almost a year ago he told me he had to go on a temporary deployment and later he admitted that he wanted to go he volunteered despite me being alone in a foreign country I was so upset and wondered why he wanted to get away from me because nothing was bad. I told him I wanted a divorce after fighting and having a serious panic attack. I was convincing him I was going to leave and we would be better off but I didn't mean it. He then agreed after fighting for awhile he said he didn't know if he loved me or not. I immediately told him I didn't mean what I said and was in shock what he had said. He really seemed like he didn't know if he loved me or not. This had happened before he left for basic training too. I told him about my past with anxiety and depression and he wanted to end it and tried to walk out and i begged him to stay. I know many people were not supportive of our relationship because we had promise rings and we only 20 (now 22/23) but we got over that although I still can't forget those times. He says he regrets saying that and realized he was wrong. A few months ago I started working at a dental clinic and his schedule had him home during the day and working at night for months and it was hard but he came to see me at lunch everyday so we could be together then. But I got suspicious and started tracking his phone and some unexplained locations popped up so I told him I had been tracking him. He told me it was okay and I could continue tracking his location. Then there were times he couldn't explain the locations. On valentines day everything was good but that night we got into bed I randomly found what looked like an African woman pubic hair in a tiny ball where he has just been laying and got up to go to the bathroom. I freaked out it was definitly hair and it was tiny course dark tiny hair ball. I tried to forget about it after he told me over and over it was nothing. I know he had looked at African American woman porn while he was away at training for months when we were apart because I accidentally found it and he used to talk to one of my African friends way before we dated. Now the hair could have been one of the African people that I worked with got tracked in the house by me but really how likely is it to get in our bed of all places. We have a good relationship when I am not trusting him. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't listen when I talk anymore. He told me he wanted me to take a night class and admitted he wanted some alone time so that hurt me too. Now I'm at home during the day and he goes to work during the day. Sometimes his phone "looses signal" as he would say and I can't find his location my text won't go through and his phone goes to voicemail when I call he says his phone is on but this has happened twice now and he says its just the service in the military buildings which I know can be bad but why all the sudden now? Then today his location said he was in the same place for 7 hours and didn't move which is not normal so I texted him and said "I guess you just left your phone somewhere so I couldn't find your location" then when it was finally time for him to come home he answered and when he got home told me he had been working all day in the same spot. He also didn't come home for lunch which is not really normal. I feel like he left his phone somewhere so I couldn't see where he went and he ate lunch somewhere or something with someone. I feel like he is lying to me and cheating on me. He gets horny like every once in awhile but I was about to be on my period so I told him no after he asked three days in a row (friday, saturday, sunday) then monday after work I asked him if he wanted a hand job and he wasn't horny. How could it just go away? I feel like he's with someone else or maybe even jerking off which is something he used to be big into but denies it now. I really feel like he's cheating on me and I told him I want a divorce again I feel hurt and alone and like he's tricking me and lying to me idk what to do please help.

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@lynncb123,

Do this man a huge favor and leave him. Why he is still putting up with your behavior is beyond me. You track his every move. You believe he is cheating on you based on very little evidence. He talks to a woman on FB and you immediately stop trusting him, even though you admit he is almost never on social media. You are picking up pubic hair and looking at it to determine if it is yours or his or some other woman's. I mean, seriously, you need help. This guy is a saint for sticking around as long as he has.

Talk to a counselor about your trust issues. Because unless you can trust your husband you might as well call an end to things because you will never be happy with your life. And all you will succeed in doing is driving him away. After all, if my wife continually accused me or believed I was cheating, I might figure that I might as well cheat since she was going to make life miserable for me either way.

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@CoastalRat,

I agree with you and I know I need counseling but these things that have happened truly make me feel like he could be cheating and if thats the case I don't want to be with him anymore. Thank you for your input

1 Reply

You both are very young and him being deployed and in the military puts extra stress on the marriage.

Would you consider getting counseling from the base chaplain? He/She has heard stories like this often and can help figure out what's going on and how to cope.

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@lynncb123,

If he is cheating on you, then I don't blame you for not wanting to be with him. I would be the first person to cheer for your decision to leave him. But based on what you wrote, you are actively searching for proof that he is cheating without any reasonable evidence that he is doing so.

If my wife thought I was cheating simply because I chatted with another woman on social media, I would have been toast long ago. Nothing wrong with my having female friends just as there is nothing wrong with her having male friends. I just don't get what your husband has really done that has led you to believe he is cheating. Of course, I am a guy so maybe my view is a bit distorted. I will be curious to see if any of our regular female posters on a2k have a different take on your situation.

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@lynncb123,

I'd definitely divorce him. Both of you can move on. He can find somebody that isn't going to stalk him and you can do some counciling to sort out whatever is going on there.

I would have left at the phone tracking...That's just creepy.

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@CoastalRat,

I am searching because I am suspicious about his suspicious behaviors. But you are right I am actively searching for proof which needs to stop with some help. We are just the type of couple who is very comfortable with each other but if either one of us had a opposite sex friend it would be weird. I think we both agree that opposite sex friends would be kinda inappropriate. Although he sorta has a female friend at work she claims to be lesbian but I think she's confused. I guess its how you define the word "friend".

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@tibbleinparadise,

Wouldn't you want to know if someone is cheating on you? Especially if you gave up your whole life and moved across the world to be alone with him for almost 4 years and gave up school/career for the time being until we move back to the states. Wouldn't you want to know if you were wasting your time so that you could move on because thats exactly how I feel.

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@lynncb123,

If you feel like you need to move on then you should move on. I don't think it's necessary to justify the feelings by assigning blame or creating cause. It's okay that your feelings towards your husband have changed, especially given your young age. They will continue to change as you experience life, as you "grow up".

I would still recommend some counciling though to look at some of your own behavior patterns in dealing with this. There are some things happening that aren't necessarily healthy as you (hopefully) move on to other relationships.

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@tibbleinparadise,

I'm a little confused with what you said. My feelings for my husband have not changed I love him very much he is the second most if not the most important person in my life right next to my mom. My mother believes that we have a great relationship and that we could last a lifetime if we work hard. He means the world to me but what I'm saying is that if he is really cheating then obviously he doesn't feel the same and I would try to move on even though it would be the hardest thing in the world for me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me enough to where they think its okay to possibly cheat on me. He knows that I am not okay with cheating and he knows it would ruin our relationship so sometimes I believe he really wouldn't do it but his suspicious actions make me question everything I know. I know I need counseling though.

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@lynncb123,

What?

Your husband might be second to your mother?

You are desperately looking for evidence of cheating.

You don't understand that adults can have friends of either gender.

Do the poor guy a favour - separate and go back to the US and get yourself some serious counselling.

You need some help and he needs a life partner who puts him first.

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@lynncb123,

lynncb123 wrote:

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me enough

You don't love him enough to put him first.

I've taken a look at some of your other posts/threads. Go back to the US - do not move in with your mother - live on your own and get counselling asap.

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@ehBeth,

I do put him first and I think thats the problem I have cared about him so much for the last three years that I lost my true self and only think about caring for him. I have put him first for so long that I forgot how to put myself first and care for myself. I realize now that is the problem. I won't take your advice about moving back to the US I love him more than anyone on the internet could understand. I know I need counseling and thats exactly what I am going to do. I am going to fix myself so I can be a better person for him so I can care for him and not forget to care about myself.

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"I love him more than anyone on the internet could understand.

And now you insult us.

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@lynncb123,

Getting help for yourself is the right thing to do. You have some very serious issues to address, not least being your obvious raging insecurity.

You're both young, and marriages in the early stages typically take a couple of years to settle into, no matter how in love a couple is.

It takes time to learn to cohabit with your spouse, compromise, find common ground and communicate effectively. It's not as easy as 'I do' and everything falls into place because you love each other.

A good marriage takes mutual effort to nurture and grow every day.

You have brought your insecurities into this marriage and are trying to resolve them through your husband. That isn't going to happen.

The problem is not your husband's fidelity, the marriage, the deployments, its YOU.

Get into therapy to begin addressing the insecurity you have, and for goodness sake, stop persecuting the man you married. I would bet he'll get so fed up with your paranoia if you don't deal with this, he'll leave anyway.

Nobody can live under that sort of constant pressure indefinitely.

I feel for you, I really do. It must be awful to feel so paranoid. Get some help, and learn to nurture a healthier marriage by respecting the man you call husband.

Dignity, respect and effective communication. The foundations that form real trust.

Good luck.

1 Reply

@Lulubelle65,

Thank you for your response I completely agree with you and will do just that.

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@lynncb123,

lynncb123 - I think you are in an unhealthy situation. Mis-trust is mind boggling, painful, and drains energy with both partners. It sounds like you want the truth. It sounds like you are getting an accumulation of subtle red flags. They may be incidental and have no merit, but you don't know that until you uncover all the mystery.
I have been in situations where I sensed the same thing, and picked up on the vague, unusual incidences that lacked reasonable explanations, and/or logic. I made every effort to over look these incidences for the sake of having trust and maintaining the relationship with my loved one.
The problem was, that these incidences continued and continued. The blank areas became larger. I felt compelled to find what was missing and the truth. I started paying close attention to details of his conversations. I began to see that his statments changed from time to time. I began to notice that his friends who spoke candidly, expressed different information than he. Eventually I did a background check and realized he had been lying to me for 2 1/2 years about most everything in his life. I also learned that he had another (out of town) relationship going on simultaneously. I had suspiscions about it. I talked to him about it a few times, in which he denied everything. I figured out who she was, contacted her, politley communicated the situation. She had no idea he was involved with me.
I feel that sometimes you have to find out the truth on you own, without your partner knowing. It may be crossing boundaries. It may be off key, a little unhealthy, or a lot unhealthy. But if it gives you the answer you are looking for: honesty verses dis-honesty from your partner, then you know the truth.
At that point you can then make an honest decision with yourself and the relationship you are in. It's not fun to have mis-trust. But it does happen, and you must find a way to remove it. So either your remove it, or you remove your fiance'.

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Should I trust my husband?

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