Sat 9 Mar, 2019 10:51 pm
Hey everyone, I'm brand new here. Never thought I'd be posting on a place like this, but I need some advice or something to help me cope the night. Tonight I told my wife to leave. A little bit of backstory, we have been together since December 2012. We were living together by January 2013. We had a great relationship, very in sync, had alot of the same hobbies, liked the same shows, genuinely enjoyed being around each other. To keep a long story short, we got married July 2018. All of our friends came to support, said how we were the model of a great relationship, gives them hope to find one of their own, etc. We've been doing okay as of late, but we got into a bit of a rut tbh. Doing generally the same thing most nights, watching the same flicks, things like that. I had to work overtime yesterday and called her to let her know. Worked my shift, and happily my father was outside to give me a lift home, as he knows I would have had to bus it and takes about an hour. So he drove me home and I walk in to our house and into the bedroom. She was laying away from me, face pointed away with her on a call. She still doesn't see me, so I sneak up hoping to make her jump and laugh. I see the contact on the phone is Sugarbear Daddy. I thought she was calling me, maybe thinking I was still on the bus. So instead of scaring her, I smile at her as I try to make my presence known. She jumps anyway, and without another word to the person on the phone quickly hangs up and tries to change the subject, asking how my day was. I ask if she's trying to call me with a blush as I thought the contact name was cute. But she says no, she was talking to her best friend, Mandi. She gets frantic and accusing towards me as I give her unbelieving looks. Mandi works nights as a bartender and basically doesn't have time to talk on the phone, yet the call time I saw was about 45 mins. After her hurtling insults at me for even suggesting such a thing, I keep up the push. I had trouble with her texting a coworker behind my back a few years ago and I know in the spur of the moment she is very good at lying and protecting herself. I asked to see her call logs, that I can't drop this without some proof. She vehemently denies me going into her phone and runs to the bathroom in a rage, phone in hand. I go to the kitchen to make some food, knowing I get really hot-headed and can be irrational in times of rage. She comes down about 10 minutes later, asking me strange questions, like what number do I have saved for Mandi. I said I dont know. She gets mad again and storms off. We meet up in the bedroom later and I persist rationally, stating I don't believe her, and that I believe we have some serious relationship problems. She starts crying and I refuse to give an inch, even though I'm dying inside. I demand to see her call log as I need something to give me some closure or something. She hands over her phone and, of course, the call has been completely wiped from the memory, yet some spam calls from earlier in the day were still there. She says sometimes these things just disappear and starts blaming her phone. This put me over the edge, these kinds of things don't just disappear, and in the rare occurrences it does happen then its quite a convenience. Again, keep in mind that weve been together for over 6 years at this point, and I feel like I know when she's lying. My nerves have been frayed, I've cried my eyes out to the point of a migraine, and I get to my breaking point. I say tell me the truth now or we are not going to survive this. You can see the thinking in her brain change, and she tells me that it's a guy she was talking to. She says she has been talking on the phone with him for a couple weeks now. She calls him daddy, as she has a bit of a thing for this, knowing this from.. our time together. She says that they talk about random things, but swears up and down that its not sexual, just more romantic. At this point I'm over the edge. I demand more answers. Where they met, what kinds of things they talked about, who this guy is, why did she never come to me about this and tell me that something was missing. Don't get me wrong, I am fairly romantic. Nothing crazy, but sometimes I would buy sunflowers (her favorite flower) from a market near my work, and bring them home for her with a lttle letter I would write. Or take her out and get some food and drinks, send flowers to her work for our anniversaries or sometimes at random. I would tell her often that I thought she was beautiful, and I meant it every time. Long massages if she had a rough day or a kink. While I get that this may not be overly romantic or sappy, I felt like it was great. Of course random times I would draw her pictures or write her a couple verses of a poem. But cleearly this wasn't enough. She told me they met online, but she swore up and down she didn't know the website. She confessed to me that she cheated and I took her at her word for that, and held off on the questioning as at this point she was a blubbering mess and I felt worse by the second. I love this woman, even now after kicking her out tonight I love her so much. So I left it at that last night, we definitely weren't okay, but we coped and spent the night, each clinging to our sides of the bed. This morning we talked some more, and I tried to understand why this happened. She says she has a bit of a fetish, not like diapers or pacifiers, but just being treated like a child, sippy cups and bibs, etc. I asked her why she felt she had to hide this from me, I am very non-judgmental about these kinds of things. I say I would do whatever it takes to make this relationship work, but I can't handle anymore lies. She agreed and we started trying to rebuild. As a gesture we went shopping earlier today and we got some things, like sippy cups and other toddler things to show I support her and will do whatever it takes to try to make this work. All this time so many questions swirl in my head. Did she call him, or did he call her. Has this happened while I was home, she was spending more time than usual in the bathroom and her saying her stomach has been acting up. Why hasn't he called back if he calls her, did she reach out to him since and tell him not to call, or to leave her alone, or what? So i randomly asked her, feeling like we needed to put this whole thing to bed, get it all out in the open if we had any chance of moving on. Otherwise I would be second guessing everything for the rest of our lives. She told me he always called her, and that she didnt say a single word to him since I caught her last night. So why isn't he calling then? He wouldn't know I found out, so he should be calling as usual. I felt horribly betrayed by all of this, and I told her that if he calls back I'm to speak with him. I felt that was my right as the victim here to tell this person off, let him know he's wrecking a long relationship. She agredd to this pretty quickly. So tonight, we are lying in bed. We put on a movie we never watched before. She got her matching jammies and sippy cup and it seems like we're genuinely enjoying our time together, though brief moments where I would faze out, thinking and hurting. Then a call comes in. Its a custom ringtone, not a generic one given to just anyone. She quickly dashes to her phone, says its a scam call, which is odd because its almost 10 pm at this point. I casually say let me see. She deletes the call from the call log and says no. So I let this sink in once again and feel like we are just going in circles at this point. There's no way a scammer is calling this late, why would she delete it if it was some random call? When I searched her call logs yesterday there were a couple scam calls earlier in the day she didn't delete, but her excuse is she deletes every scam call as it comes in. So this is my breaking point. I felt terribly demasculinated by this whole thing, and I made it very clear that this would be the last thing I needed to move on. To cuss this piece of crap out and to be done with it. She continues vehemently denying it was him. I sit here and smoke a cig for a minute and again, rage fills me up. I tell her, I'm going for a walk, Im going to be 20 minutes, and when I get back she better have everything for me. The website, the guys name, the truth about if it was him or not, and the truth about what they talked about. I knew it was a daddy fantasy thing but I don't believe for a second that there were no flirtings or sexual components. I can move past it, but only if she's honest with me. I go for my walk, even though its pouring down rain and still winter, so I just go around the block once then finish my cigarettes on my back porch. I walk back up and into the bedroom where she has the website open. She gets out of the way and I sit in the chair. Not sure about what the policy is on this website aboutmproviding outside links, but can provide. It's just the homepage, nothing more. I ask her to login, but she says she doesn't remember her login, and that she deleted her account entirely yesterday after this all started. I can't take anything shes saying at this point as truth. Just last night she was willing to give up our relationship in the bluff that I wouldn't call her out about remembering the website and her bluff worked. But tonight she suddenly remembers it. I ask how can you not recall what your login or username is if you literally had to login last night to delete everything? She didn't have an answer for that, just tears coming at this point. I can't do anything with just the website without knowing her username, I tried the searches but nothing was popping up. I told her I need more than this. I can't get past it with just this. She stuck to her guns about the phone call tonight, saying it wasn't him. She doesn't remember his name, his username, his number, nothing. I am getting nothing. She craps all over my heart and I just have to eat it? So I told her we're through. I tried so hard to save this. But she refuses to give me anything to see, and all of this deception, lying, deleting, refusing leads me to have a very strong gut instinct that these conversations were much more than just romantic. So I'm posting here to try to get some help. Some perspective on what I'm missing, am I overreacting? Do you think I am in the wrong here? Please give me some advice or something. I am not going to sleep tonight. I am not sure if I can ever be in a meaningful relationship like this ever again. I am just feeling very vulnerable and used right now, and would really appreciate anything. Thanks much.
Sounds like you want all the juicy details of what’s going on between her and her “ sugar daddy” - instead of helping her end this.
She can either call or text him and end it. So let her. Give her some space and dignity to get out of this mess.
Then it’s off to a professional marriage counselo to help figure out what’s next. Call one today. Meet her at the counselor’s office since she is no longer in the house. (Do you know where she is staying?)
BTW - this wall official text is very difficult to read and hard on the eyes. Use paragraphs after this, OK?
Yeah, sorry just spilling and it makes it hard to compile everything I'm thinking.
I know where she went, I walked her out to the car of a friend of hers whose house she is staying at tonight. Is it so wrong of me to want to know? I mean how can I get past it if I feel like there have been things left unsaid.
Maybe it's my personality, but I am a very facts based person, and the unknown drives me crazy. It nags and nags until I can't think about anything else.
Also I'm very trusting, I have been fine with her spending weekends at friends houses. I never had jealous tendencies except for that one co-worker in the past and have always respected her privacy. But this just ended that for me, and I feel like if I can't get those questions answered, then it will grow in our marriage until we both, much further down the line, regret staying together.
Thanks so much for the response though. Appreciate the time and the tips.
you came down on her way to roughly for innocent phone flirting. you should apologize and establish limits for interactions with opposite sex. every girl like to think she is attractive to others besides family. do you never talk to any woman ever hard to believe. work with her not just shame her if you want your marriage to last. i am sure she is discussing divorce with sugar daddy already because of your behavior
You should be ashamed of your self for the way you respond to vulnerable people desperate for a rational advice . You seem to aim to satisfy your personal bias opinion , dismissing the pain OP is going through. Innocent flirting ? Really ?
I bet if it was him in her place you would be coming out , guns blazing telling him how much selfish chauvinist he is .
This is a forum to give people support , not beat them even more .
Hello, and sorry about the pain you are going through.
Let me put this as clearly as possible - You have done nothing wrong!!!!!
The problem here isn’t her interaction with another man but the continues lying and deception . She has completely disregarded your love and your feelings whilst she is trying desperately to throw dust in your eyes .
Unlike the above replies , I would strongly recommend that you are firm with your response . It’s very possible that she is trying to hide a lot more than you think she does . Also , who ever she is talking to, seems to have a good control over her . Don’t be surprised if they actually had physical contact with one another .
In my opinion , if there is no trust , there is no marriage . You have every right to question and wanting to know the truth .
I'm with Punkey.
Your wife is backed into a corner and she is balking. Never mind if she deserves it and is lying through her teeth (you know it, I know it, the American people know it). Give her a way to end it and stay there while she does it.
And yeah, marriage counseling if you want this to work. Insist she go, and make it a condition of the marriage continuing.
And we don't need to see the URL of the website.
What “questions “ do you want answered?
She was getting her needs met with “ sugardaddy.” This probably has a lot to do with her fettish.
If you want this marriage to work, ask her to get marriage counseling with you.
It’s not good that you “kicked “ her out of the house. She will learn to live without you. There’s a chance she will seek comfort from the very person that contributed to all this.
Sounds very familiar. I was not married to my last "waste of time", so when I caught him doing his online and IRL shenanigans I simply ended it. I am too old and too honest and serious for the whole "I'll-never-do-it-again-please-I-love-you" dance. IMO, you are wasting your time.
"Maybe it's my personality, but I am a very facts based person, and the unknown drives me crazy. It nags and nags until I can't think about anything else. "
This sentence describes me as well. I especially hate the game of lying when all concerned know what is going on but the liar keeps making a FOOL out of themselves.
GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!!! I do not say this out of some moral standard. I say it from experience. I married 2 women that were serial cheaters. Has nothing to do with me or you or anything except THEM. I found out later that the 1st cheated on several boyfriends and the 2nd cheated on boyfriends and 1st husband. This is the typical behavior. First and foremost they should immediately CUT ALL TIES. yours has not. They will make you feel at fault, There actions are not your fault. They will manipulate you with lies, she is doing this. I stayed for kids and wasted much of my adult life with these two women. Better to be single than with a cheater GET OUT NOW. It is easier to get over a cheater than to live with one....BELIEVE ME!
Although you may have the morel right to respond the way you did, if it was me, and i was happy with our love life, i would probably let it go. Its pretty close to watching porn on the internet.... so, i would not want to be a hypocrite! lol.
However, if i was not happy with our love life, then i would be chasing her for answers on that issue, not to condemn, but to uncover what i dont understand about my partners sexual needs?
Watching porn on the internet is nothing like "sexting" with people who you have easy access to. Porn I don't have much of an issue with unless it becomes an obsession in a relationship, of course. But, when you are getting sexual with someone within easy reach, cheating WILL eventually happen. Here is the progression: "Oh, I'll just get a dating profile just for fun to "look", no talking." Step two:"Oh, I'll just send this person a little message or a picture, won't hurt anything." Step three: "Oh, I'll just give them my phone number so we can text , what's the harm in that?" Step four: "Oh, I'll just MEET them once, what can it hurt?" Step five: "I'm having an affair, but, what they don't know won't hurt them, right?" Step six: " The bitch/bastard discovered my affair and threw me out, the big meanie!! WHY, WHY??????"
This is not some fantasy that I dreamed up over morning coffee. Not only has it happened to me more than once, but I have heard it from many others, both from the victim side AND the perpetrator side. Which is why I will never be bothered again with a relationship. Too much effort, too little return, and nothing but wasted time in the end.
I can understand the logic to your argument, but personally i never judge a crime based on what 'may' happen only what 'has' happened.
Also i have been cheated on before.... but my regret is not that they cheated, my regret is that i did not cheat when i had a very nice temptation come along around that same time. I just felt so stupid for remaining loyal!... Not because loyalty is a bad thing, but because i knew my partner could not be trusted, but i was too busy doing that 'pretend' not to believe it thing.
It is a sad state of affairs (pardon the pun) when someone feels "stupid" for doing the right thing.