What are you? Sorry. Welcome to the human experience. You're human. That's all. Life isn't black and white and objective as movies and pop culture depicts it to be.
I do not think i have ever felt so miserable, not knowing how to define myself....
Once again. Very sorry for the nonanswer answer... but just don't . You're going to have to deal with these emotions by rolling with the proverbial punches and (hopefully more than often) hugs and such.
There is literally NO ONE here or elsewhere online that can give you a straight answer as we can't read your mind or possibly indicate that we have similar or cloned versions of a same life path as yourself (I may have lost you as well as myself on my logic or lack therein that latter statement ... because it's a bit difficult to express).
Just know that you aren't the only one struggling with this inner identity debate. But as in the rest of life? No one can offer you cheat codes or life plot spoilers to help you decide what's going on in your own world. Find supporting friends you can trust and openly talk about your feelings. As that is ultimately your best path in figuring out who and what you are.
Also: Your first boyfriend sounds pretty toxic. Stay far far away from his ilk.