Can't get over his "cheating"

I've been in your position and this is my take on it. Many men have a porn addiction and since that is usually more "fantasy" (he will never meet them, can't communicate with them, will have no relationship with them, etc.). I am not saying I agree with it; I am simply saying it is more harmless. The dating sites however, is a TOTALLY different story. Those are real live women he was communicating with, searching out, flirting with (I am sorry, but if you are on a dating site, that is what you are doing). If you caught that, I would also have to worry about sex sites and what he was telling other women (sadly, he may feel guilty and regret it, but there is also a good likelihood he isn't 100% truthful bc he doesn't want to make things worse). Anyway, it is the dating sites and things like that that hurt me MUCH MUCH worse. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years after finding out. He called me a month later asking me to go talk to a counselor with him (one who deals with sexual addictions and relationship issues). She was a fruitloop and I walked out after 3rd visit and refused to go back. He found another counselor and we went for both issues and how to rebuild trust. I have full access to his phone, computer, etc. I wont lie- the first year was rough and I had many doubts and no trust at all. We had to work hard to rebuild that trust. 2 years later we are engaged and I trust him. I still have open access to everything and I check on occassion but not nearly as often as I did before. I can actually say that because he so remorseful and knew he screwed up, he worked hard at rebuilding trust and he was sympathetic when I was upset, etc. Our relationship now is probably stronger than it was before. Had he not been willing to be totally open and understand my lack of trust in him, it never would have worked. So I think it depends on HIM and how far he is willing to go to win your trust back. It will not happen overnight and it's a long, hard road but it can be done. He does need to realize that it isn't harmless.... maybe he didn't physically cheat but if he was on other sites talking to other women he probably had an emotional affair and that is very damaging to a relationship. What he needs to realize is if he hid it from you in any way, there was some form of cheating going on. If he expects you to just get over it (bc he doesn't want to deal with it or whatever the reason is), or isn't there for you when you have your bad moments, then you need to get out now. No need to waste your time and prolong the hurt- just walk away. He screwed up so it's up to him primarily rebuild the trust.
If he's in it 100% then also recommend a good counselor (at least for a little while). Like us you may have to try a couple to find the right one but that can really help both of you form a better relationship. Good luck.

Thank you for your response. My wife and I are in a similar situation. We are in counseling too. May I ask why the first counselor you saw was a "fruit loop"? I want to know in order to gage the effectiveness of the counselors my wife and I have been seeing, thanks.

She was supposed to have specialized in relationships, sexual addictions, etc. but she was a joke. She offered absolutely NO advice or suggestions at any time. We would walk in, have to fill out some survey about how we were feeling about certain things (our work, our trust, our relationship, etc.)- same questions every time and then she would sit there for 5-10 minutes studying them. We would talk (he and I- not her). I would say how I needed details or an explanation of WHY- he would say he was sorry and wouldn't do it again but that I needed to let it go... forgive him and move on. - we obviously disagreed on it and were there to get a neutral party to either tell us what to do, give us advice, tell one of us we were wrong.... SOMETHING, ANYTHING. This woman would basically say nothing. Once I think she asked how it made me feel and maybe asked him how he wanted me to handle it, but there was no guidance, etc. He went to her alone twice beforehand and then we went together about 4-5 times before I got up and told them both this was a waste of time and she was totally useless before walking out. When I left she looked at him and said, "I think she's mad." Seriously.... totally useless. We found a different counselor who specialized in this type of thing also. She is actually a nun (neither of us are Catholic so I was a bit skeptical) but she was wonderful. She asked insightful questions, gave suggestions on how to resolve things and would even gently tell one of us if we needed to perhaps compromise on something. She truly helped us get past the worst of it and start the process of moving on.
Basically, if you go a few times and think it's a waste of time (you don't see an improvement- your counselor hasn't offered any sound suggestions/ advice), etc. then I would go with your gut instinct and try someone new. Why waste your time and money on someone who isn't giving you any hope after 3-4 sessions?

Really, counselors aren't supposed to give you advice or tell you what to do. (This isn't remodeling the kitchen, you know)

They are supposed to "adjust the mirror " so you can see the situation clearly and help you discover a coping mechanism yourself. Many people want their therapist to "fix it." It doesn't go that way.

They are human and have personalities. I suspect you didn't like her lay-back temperament and wanted someone a little more directive.

Original poster said, " One day I got curious if my boyfriend was doing anything wrong," That's very revealing about their relationship.

Most men, and almost as many women, enjoy pornography. There are lots of great relationships that include at least one person who uses pornography. In my opinion, you are being unrealistic on this point. Could you "put up" with the pornography and ask him to stop visiting dating sites? I don't think you are being fair to your boyfriend, but if it were me I might be willing to make this compromise.

Speaking as a man... I would be upset that you checked my computer history. This seems like a pretty big invasion of privacy. I would also refuse to promise not to look at pornography again. I don't think you have the right to control your boyfriend in that way.

If my girlfriend was pregnant with my baby, I would probably try to make it work out and I would be less likely to leave (in spite of the fact my girlfriend was checking my internet history and controlling what I look at).

It doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend have a very respectful relationship. You need to remember that respect goes both ways.... you can't expect him to respect you if you are violating his privacy. I hope that you can work it out given the baby on the way.

Most counselors do ask questions and usually they offer advice on communication, conflict management, etc. I don't mean advice on "You should leave him" or anything like that but they give you suggestions on ways to communicate better (that's not fixing it, that helping you find strategies to work on). They are there as a mediator type so they have to say SOMETHING to do that. Yes, the point is for you to go in and talk; however, they usually guide you or have some suggestions. When I say this woman said nothing- she would sit there and say nothing even when we were finished talking. I truly think she was inexperienced and didn't know how to guide or "adjust the mirror". She just sat there silently expecting us to adjust it and figure out everything our self. It's ridiculous to pay over $100 an hour for someone to literally sit there and say less than 15 words total in an hour. We could sit home and do that for free.