You ask a lot, sot.
The hangover, normally a consequence of Saturday, is the first hint of God's loving embrace, lasting through Sunday. The rest of the week, you are on your own, embrace-wise. At least, that's the way my Mennonite theology has it. But apparently you've got an optional off-Sabbath embracer. Which leads us to the one point on which I might assist.
5. a blow-up sex-toy in my refriggerator
First, NEVER FORGET the wisdoms of Tom Waits. He has something for all occasions and if this isn't an occasion, well I just don't know what an occasion would be...
"I told you once
And I'll tell you again
Don't defrost the icebox
With a ball-point pen"
Second, leave the sex toy in the refriggerator until next Saturday, remove quickly, tie it down over the hood of your Oldsmobile and drive fast as the wind to the college football game parking lot. Go in and watch the game, it'll be good. Buy a frankfurter, double mustard. After the game, go back out to the parking lot and untie the sex toy. Drag it home, Neanderthal style. Leave the Oldsmobile, which is a piece of ****. Arriving home, you'll find the toy will - FINALLY - listen to you.