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Boyfriend or PhD defence

 
 
Papoi
 
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 02:23 am
I am having my PhD defence in next two days(Monday). My boyfriend is pushing me to go out for the weekend. I want to work on my presentation but he thinks that it is not that important and I am just fussing over it
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 1,115 • Replies: 20

 
roger
 
  5  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 02:35 am
@Papoi,
Find someone else. Someone with a sense of priorities.
0 Replies
 
saab
 
  5  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 03:23 am
Your PhD is very, very important for your future.
This type of boyfriend absolutely NOT.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  7  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 03:27 am
Someone is going to ask this (and I apologize for it being harsh): if you're so intelligent that you're on the verge of getting your PhD (kudos, BTW), then why can't you see for yourself what's going on with your boyfriend?
blatham
 
  5  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 03:31 am
@Papoi,
Your boyfriend is very wrong-headed here. And selfish. Work on your defense.
0 Replies
 
Fil Albuquerque
 
  2  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 04:24 am
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

Someone is going to ask this (and I apologize for it being harsh): if you're so intelligent that you're on the verge of getting your PhD (kudos, BTW), then why can't you see for yourself what's going on with your boyfriend?


This.
0 Replies
 
saab
 
  4  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 04:36 am
@jespah,
A person can be very intelligent when it comes to their field in working, or interests. That does not mean a person is good in judging when it comes to feelings. Especially when it comes to a boyfriend.
Do not ever run after a man or a buss - there is always a new coming along.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 04:38 am
@saab,
Oh, no doubt. I just suspect this isn't the first time a possible sabotage maneuver has been attempted.
saab
 
  4  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 04:50 am
@jespah,
This boyfriend probably has no PhD and finds it as a defeat the girlfriend has one.
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  3  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 05:47 am
@Papoi,
On the one hand, maybe he thinks you're overstressing and already are really competent in how you will handle your PhD defense. He might be worried that you will burn yourself out the weekend before the presentation.

Ask him to verify (don't lead him with leading questions) this theory. Take his concerns into consideration and figure in your own strengths and weaknesses.

But if he really thinks that your PhD isn't that important? Dump the MF already.
Fil Albuquerque
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 06:01 am
@saab,
Are you married?
Would you not run after your hubby?
Yes, emotional intelligence is distinct from other types of intelligence.
That said, this sounds more like a cultural problem of peer validation.
it exists everywhere but in some cultures it is obnoxiously prevalent.
Fil Albuquerque
 
  2  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 06:09 am
@tsarstepan,
There are studies that have shown it is a good option to stop studying in the last days before an exam and relax prevented you prepared well.
There are other studies that shown that studying under pressure makes your memories more vivid. The adrenaline rush works for some. One of them showed that cheating and copying during an exam will make you learn due to adrenalin rush on the possibility of getting caught. You remember everything after you cheat.
0 Replies
 
saab
 
  5  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 06:31 am
@Fil Albuquerque,
During my marriage my husband wrote two Phds and four books.
You know what - if I had run after him asking him to do this or that and not concentrate on what for him was important - this marriage would never have lasted.
On the other hand - I could do the things I liked to, l travelled back home to visit my father and my relatives, do things with our daughter, teaching, going to the theatre, see my friends.
Fil Albuquerque
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 06:52 am
@saab,
Good. But that was not what I asked you.
You said that there is always another "bus" right?
Well, you have a point with buses but men are not all alike in spite of what some women say.
I am sure you picked your husband precisely because this is true. Wink
0 Replies
 
Papoi
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 07:27 am
He points out that he never spends time for any competitive or college exams. This makes me feel whether I am fussing over my stuffs
Fil Albuquerque
 
  2  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 07:40 am
@Papoi,
We need more data on your bf. Describe his personalitty.
The first impression is not good but I don't want to jump into conclusions.
0 Replies
 
ossobucotemp
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 10:40 am
@Papoi,
How you study and when is your business, not his. Given the importance to you in this instance of have only a weekend left before the PhD defense is expecially up to you. You will feel it out, going over the defense best you can, and then relaxing, resting.

I remember sitting in the room waiting to be called for my landscape architecture board orals and losing body temperature, ice cold hands. Then they called me in and I sailed through it. Prior to that, we had 3 days of national board testing exams. My husband supported my efforts but had nothing to do with how I studied. He did come with me for the orals, and waited. After I passed, we went out to a good restaurant. Before the meal, he ordered a good brand of Calvados, and I ordered Champagne. It was a good day.
0 Replies
 
Sturgis
 
  2  
Reply Fri 7 Apr, 2017 12:10 pm
@Papoi,
Quote:
He points out that he never spends time for any competitive or college exams. This makes me feel whether I am fussing over my stuffs.


Bottom line is, this is your life, your future. Ten or twenty years down the road (possibly even sooner, maybe later), he may be out of the picture (leaves you for another or dies...many possibilities, we don't know what the future will give). Where would that leave you? Get your priorities straight.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Apr, 2017 03:01 pm
What do you mean "go out"? To dinner or an all- night party?

Perhaps he wants to help you de-stress ; perhaps he wants to sabotage your test - who knows.

What ever it is, after the test you need to still think he has your back.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Sat 8 Apr, 2017 03:14 pm
@Papoi,
Papoi wrote:

He points out that he never spends time for any competitive or college exams.


Everyone studies and prepares in their own way. What he does is irrelevant to your prep process.

If he can't be supportive in encouraging you to prepare the way YOU need to prepare, you need to think about what kind of person he is. His role right now is to help you do what you feel you need to do. If that means being quiet and studying, he should help you keep your space quiet. If prepping means going out and dancing, he should facilitate that for you.

My exam prep has always meant grooming. I usually don't care much about what I look like but when I have an exam? when I have an exam I have to be perfectly groomed and made-up. That's my stress-management thing.

We're all different and people who love us/care for us will let us do what we need if they can't actively encourage us or help us.
 

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