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Tue 2 Nov, 2004 09:54 am
First I would like to say hello to everyone I am new here. I just happened to stumble across this website looking for some answers. I know someone was talking about almost the same thing in another thread but I still need your opinions. Ok here goes... I have been with my boyfriend for 9months now and everything was great until one evening I was watching t.v. and noticed the the menu guide had been left on the Adult section. Now, this would not be any kind of problem except he has told me he does not like watching those movies even after I told him that I love to watch them with my partner. So I snooped a little and found all of his cable bills and sure enough he has been buying those movies for years and the entire time we have been together. So I confronted him only with the tv evidence(I did not tell him I looked at the bills) and he looked me straight in the eyes and said he does not watch them and got pissed off at me for saying anything. I let it go. Well 5 different times since then I have hit the last button on the remote and sure enough he had been watching them and they keep showing up on the cable bill. The other night it happened again this time with him sitting there. I blew up and called him a liar and that I knew that he was watching them. He went into a rage and told me to get out and that he was not going to be called a liar in his home and that he considers watching porn a form of cheating and would never do that. He even offered to show me the bills but when I said yeah I want to see them he just tore up the filing cabinet they were in. Yesterday, after buying a new cabinet I decided to see what he did with the bills and sure enough he took all of the second pages to the bills!!!!! I don't mind if he watches the things but why is going to such lengths to hide it from me and make me feel like a dumbass for asking him. He is just making it worse for himself. Please someone help.
The problem is not the porn. The problem is the lying.
Substitute Twinkies in the fridge...
"and he looked me straight in the eyes and said he does not watch(eat) them and got pissed off at me for saying anything."
See our point(s)
Yes I get your point, but why the hell is he lying about something so damn stupid????? I guess I am just going to have to tell him I looked at the bills then maybe he will stop the lies.
You're going to have to tell him that you won't tolerate lying, no matter the gravity of the lie...and you're going to have to set a consequence for any future lies...I guess.
Some men experience such deep guilt about using porn or other sexual matters that they will refuse to admit they think it or do it. It's called "repression."
Still, lying is lying, and I wouldn't stand for it. Tell him you went over the bills and you know the truth. He may still deny it, but he'll know you know. That's a first step.
Does he also tell you that he never masturbates?
If he can look you in the eye and lie about that, kick him to the curb because he has more issues than you want to ever deal with. I have been there done that.
He has told me several times in the beginning that he does not masturbate but one night i walked in on him doing it but he was not watching porn. He was sooo mortified he couldn't even look me in the eyes. I love him with all my heart and really would be o.k. if he would just admit that he does it, but there is something behind all of this and I just can't figure it out. His father commited suicide when he was only eleven because his mom found out he was cheating on her and has vowed he would never make a person go through what his mother did. Also his ex-wife cheated on him causing their divorce. I believe him when he says he won't cheat on me but at the same time if he can bold face lie to me about the porn is he lying about other things. Maybe it is just something that he has done for so long that it is now just a habit and does not want me to share or know anything about it.
A lot of baggage, but you seem level headed and very much in love. I'm hoping you will persevere and yours will be a long and fruitful marriage.
Maybe he's got you confused with his mother?? I mean, he sounds like a child, lying about such a thing when it's common knowledge that just about everyone masturbates and most men are into porn to some degree. But that's not something you would want your mother to know about, see what I mean? That may be where he got into the habit of lying about it, to his mother, and he's been lying ever since.
Just a guess.
I have thought the exact same thing!!! Maybe his mother walked in on him as a young boy and she made him think that this is a very bad thing. We are fixing to move in together and I do know one thing,, I sure as hell am not paying for those movies!!! I just am soooooo tired of thinking about this
If you don't have a problem with the movies (which you posted at the beginning), don't worry about who's paying for them.
Worry about the lying.
You are very correct. I am just so afraid to loose him over something so small, when all he has to do is admit it to me
Lying?
Smashing things up?
Hiding the bills?
These don't sound like small things to me.
Lying is a big thing in a relationship.
I understand, I think, what you meant about not wanting a small thing to cause problems in the relationship - if the small thing is the films.
I, personally, wouldn't consider moving in with someone I know to be lying to me. I'd rather hear something I don't like, than hear a lie.
I wonder though, what if the reason he lies to me about it is that he truly feels ashamed or embarassed and does not want to make me feel like less of a person. If that is the case I can get past it. Its just I never should have gone through his bills because what I've done is backed myself into a corner. If I confront him with the bills that just makes me look horrible and he will not tolerate it simply because his ex-wife used to do the same thing but she was just trying to justify her own guilt. What I'm saying is I don't want to loose him because of the porn, and well crap I don't know.....
Maybe I am just overreacting. I am sorry guys I didn't realize there were so many other threads on this topic. I will shut up now
Oh, you don't have to shut up, arial! You have a legitimate point here, and you are NOT overreacting.
This guy has some hangups about sex, no doubt. But that doesn't make him a bad guy. You just have to find the right time & the right way to let him know these things are okay.
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