Why do we do this? Or is it just me?

Reply Sun 2 Apr, 2017 02:10 pm
Why do we always want to know why something didn't work out? (ie: a relationship).

I started talking to someone 6 months ago. He was very unsettled, had just moved to the area, and we moved a bit too quick. From the very beginning, I had a gut feeling that I should run away.. well, low and behold, I didn't. Now he's gone and moved back to his home state. Throughout the 6 month relationship, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying to make it work rather than taking a step back and assessing what was happening. I accepted a lot of unnecessary comments that he made and I believe it was due to my low self confidence, but tried to be as understanding as possible at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 and I keep coming up with so many different reasons as to why it didn't work. How do I make it stop??

I want to know why I feel the way I do, why I keep questioning why it didn't work when he clearly wasn't interested in me in that way any more? And also... my gut feelings are usually correct 99% of the time. I want to know what it was about him that made me get that feeling?

Details that may or may not be relevant: I'm 28, female. He's 38, combat vet, honorably discharged Marine
Reply Sun 2 Apr, 2017 03:41 pm

You want to know my theory? Here goes.

When we get into a relationship we like to assume a few things that are not very accurate.

One is, I'm reasonable person worthy of this relationship.
Two is, this person I'm with is reasonable.

We desperately want it to work so we ignore the red flags that it's not right. You would rather attempt to fix the broken bits because giving up means being single for a while.

This is why I stress dating in volume. Dont ever settle. Move on at any red flag. A red flag for you might be fine for someone else. Move on. Dont be afraid of being single. The "right" fit for you is out there but if you waste time on someone who's not right you might miss finding a better fit.

You know why it is not working but quit thinking you need to fix it. Attempting to change yourself for a relationship dooms it because it's not how you naturally are.

This is what people do when they first meet. They puff out their feathers attempting to only show their best side but as they settle into the relationship they relax and then you see their ugly feathers they were hiding.
Reply Sun 2 Apr, 2017 04:46 pm
I agree with everything that you said. I did ignore the red flags and tried to see the best of it rather than the negative. I tried to brush it under the carpet so to speak. But I also didn't acknowledge at the time that I made my own mistakes and didn't think I did anything wrong.

The best and worst part is that I learned a whole lot from this relationship. Best because I learned about myself and how I have acted, worst because I wish I could show that I corrected my mistakes and then maybe it would have worked. I know, I shouldn't even be thinking that.

It's all a learning experience in the end.. and I'm hoping there's someone better out there for me.. time will need to do its thing though. I'm trying to stay busy as much as I can but it's all I think about now. And 6 months isn't even that long, but like I said, we moved quick and I caught feelings quick too.

Thank you for your response by the way. Definitely helped me see things in a different light.
Reply Sun 2 Apr, 2017 04:54 pm
You seem more content with my input so I'd hate to drag it out with more silliness but most people seem to hate dating. I think this is a bad mindset. As you have pointed out you learned something about yourself in this one.

That's why I suggest to date in bulk, youll learn about yourself and what you want or need from a partner in crime. It shouldn't be that you need this one to be perfect instead date until as close to perfection is found.

He is out there! Find a way to enjoy dating until he is found. That's my philosophy.
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Reply Sun 27 May, 2018 07:52 am
I think that if there is a red flag being waved early its something to be mindful of, I speak from experience. Look back & hopefully remember the good times you had & move on. If you have to "force" it then in my experience is that its not going to work. Enjoy it for what it was.
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