How can I handle a relationship that my husband has?

I'd modify daphnejane's comment just a bit by saying, "Some people don't understand the idea of emotional infidelity and how their partners might view it". It's not nearly that clear a gender split on how people feel about these things.

Hm, daphnejane, I don't think that men are oblivious
to the fact that they engage in "emotional infidelity" ( great
phrase) - they just don't care about it.

If it were the other way around, and the wife would
have a friend whom she emotionally gets attached to,
don't you think the husband would cry bloody murder
immediately?

interesting...

I'm listening on this.

I am most afraid of stultification, where there is no air. It might be, that when people reach out, as humans do, to all around them, that they engage - rarely - in what I think of as 'tharn', a word from Watership Down. If it's not rare, it's not, in my view, tharn... when you think someone finally understands you and your interests and thinks you're wonderful and you do that back.

(usually, that'll pass...)

I know most of these type of threads are about atavistic sexual energy, which I am all for, though not necessarily acting on it. But that is simpler than when the new person also understands you and you, him/her.

Relationships of all sorts have ebbs and flows. I am not so sure that smacking down every intellectual and emotional connection of the spouse/mate is the business of one's partner, or, one oneself. New people don't just offer sexual bodies, but minds to go with them. Knowing new people is part of figuring out who we are, and we are always doing that, or fine tuning that.

Life is long. Do you really want to spend (if you married your highschool boyfriend) sixty years with only his male presence around you, if you are the woman? Or vice versa?

People do grow and change. The trick is to synchronize it, to communicate.

For the heart of a marriage, it takes two people wanting it to go on, when they talk to themselves about it.
True, vows and helpbooks can push it, but human interest in keeping on is usually paramount, and not just from one side.

I think the elephant in this thread's closet is that a new person can show you what is missing. That seems to be a comment about sex, but that's not my point. The new person has offered a new view - sometimes - to the mate about who he or she is. So some readjusting may be in order, for the person getting the new clue. Not all about sex,
though it often is. That is not so much my interest, but what to do about the person who energizes your sense of self in the world? We all run into those people, and they are not always sexually attractive to us, luckily.

I have to add that there was an inbetween post I didn't actually post, where I was mulling that I was too tough on hubby. Well, not by much, from my own view.

But.. in the larger world, we americans are wildly puritan, even those of us who beg to differ with certain taught rules.
Long time romance of heart and mind of both parties is not all that common, and is a kind of romantic idea. Schniff.

The older I get, the more I can see points of view re stages in life, even room to see our mates yearnings in other directions. (Hammers down on my head.) Though not upon bearing of young children. Lot of arrangements to be made to walk from that.

I see pregnancy as a time when men are attracted outside the relationship.
Is that all men's dastardly fault, or are they feeling shut out? (and so on).

Responding to some of the responses, not the original post ...

I'm a guy and yes, I have a problem with the notion of "emotional infidelity". In the sense that I've seen it used as an argument why one's spouse or significant other shouldnt be allowed to develop close friendships of someone of the other sex, because it's too threatening or because sharing one's emotions with someone other than the Significant Other is "cheating". I find all that a little scary.

Friendships are the cork of sanity as much as work or love, and men and women can strike up friendships with each other (so far so obvious, I would think, but I've been wrong before). We also keep sane by relying on more than one person, more than just your husband/wife and your mother, to share your emotions, thoughts, etc with.

The trust implied in a definite relationship should extend to trusting your partner to be more than a victim of his/her drifts when he's alone with someone of the other sex. And one partner's insecurity leading to demand the other to renounce personal ties usually is the omen of worse to come.

Anyway. This post is a bit misplaced since it clearly doesnt apply to the post this thread starts with - I mean, that went so much farther. But in re: to CalamityJane, I don't know what you meant exactly by "getting emotionally attached to" of course, but no, I've never minded my gf having close male friends, like I would not accept a gf telling me I couldnt have a close female friend. And I wouldnt have it any other way when married either. Most of my close friends have been women, after all, and my girlfriends in their turn had close male friends (and no they didnt eventually ran off with them ;-)).

Friends who call your SO up at 5AM when they're drunk, eh, yeah, that'd piss me off and worry me a bit about the "friend"s state of mind - I mean, I would ask whether my SO was quite sure that the friend really only wanted to be a friend. But as long as she wouldn't want anything sexual from them it's not up to me to tell her which friendships are still acceptable and which ones not.

Well nimh, the dutch are always ahead of things
I commend you for being tolerant towards your girlfriends
male acquaintences/friends, however, I am almost certain, that
you're an exception.

Luckily, I'm not the jealous type and my partners were
able to have relations with the opposite sex, even with ex-girlfriends (platonic of course), yet the same option
was never extended to me.
Yeah, I could have plenty of girlfriends but male friends
were always a problem, even when they were already friends prior
to the relationship.

It seems, some men don't trust their male counterparts one iota and won't approve of such an alliance between their wives/girlfriends and another male figure.

That's at least the experience I've made so far.

Is it really their male counterparts whom they dont trust though, in that case?

(Not being argumentative or anything ... just - I've always wondered about that one ...

I mean, unless they object because they're afraid their woman might be harassed or something (but what expression of trust in her choice of friends would that be?), wouldn't the bottom line be that there wouldn't be a problem if they trusted their own woman to do right?)

hello?

That is exactly how it has been in the past for me. I can have all the girlfriends I want, but when it comes to having male friends, he has been uncomfortable with it. I have let friendships go because of that. Now that he has a friend that is female, it is okay for me to have male friends. And like I have said before, I believe that male/female friendships can work, as long as boundaries are not crossed. Meaning, if after talking to this person for a couple of months it makes you question you love for your wife and you express those feelings of love to the other person and they tell you the same, but then recant and say no we can just be best friends, how do you cross back over the boundaries that have been crossed? Can you ever truly do it?