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Kids far apart in age?

 
 
Reply Tue 21 Mar, 2017 09:26 am
I am trying to figure out the future and what I want. For those of you that know me you know my background but I'll sum it up. I'm divorced with 2 kids age 6 (7 in May) and 9. I am 32 years old. I have a boyfriend of over 2 years. He has no kids and is 34 years old next month.

We are at a crossroads in our relationship and have had serious talks about the future. We are both very happy together and have a healthy relationship. He is great with my kids as well. The only thing we can't seem to come eye to eye on is kids.

I didn't plan on having more kids initially. For me I'm halfway there and I don't have diapers, naps, etc. I have more freedom and I spent most of my 20's raising babies/toddlers.

Then I met him and my outlook changed. I decided I would consider having another. I am still young and my kids are at the age where they wouldn't get jealous and would be able to help from time to time (without overdoing it). I did, however, tell him that I didn't want to have any kids past the age of 35.

So here we are. I told him 1, he wants 2. I told him 35 and he isn't ready yet. For me I don't feel it is fair to ask me for 2. He chose to wait this long. He knew he was dating someone that already has kids. To him he sees that it isn't fair that I already have two and he wants two as well. He feels that he will be missing out.

I am not sure how to handle this and how to compromise. I think 1 is a fair compromise. This is a man that initially didn't know if he wanted kids so this was a bit of a shock over the last few months.

Ultimately this comes down to the make it or break it part of the relationship. I don't want to feel resented if we had one and I don't want to resent him if it were two.

I feel lost in all of this because we work so well together and love each other so much. Any advice or words of wisdom would be great right now.
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 21 Mar, 2017 09:45 am
@Crazielady420,
Have you talked to him, very seriously, about the time that he will need to commit to raising any children he might have with you? is he prepared to take a couple of years off work to be the primary caregiver? has he spent any weekends alone with your children (or any nieces or nephews he might have)? and I mean alone - he has to cook/clean/bathe/supervise homework - all that jazz - on his own. have him volunteer to babysit babies your friends might have - on his own, without anyone backing him up.

Get him to do work on this now.

___

you are young. you've put your time in. almost time for some free time for you

on the flipside, the larger the age difference between kids, the better. 5+ years is optimal for health and intellectual development - so now is a good time to think about it - if you are 100% committed to having another child.

on another flip - I'd be fairly unhappy with him for springing this on me. If a child is more important than our relationship - goodbye.

And seriously, there are no guarantees the two of you could produce a child in the future. I broke up with a guy many years ago since he was all about having kids and I wasn't sure at that time. Well, he's been married three times and never had any kids. Turned out he wasn't a producer of great sperm (first wife was secretly on the pill, so he didn't find out for a while) . If he hadn't been so hooked on starting a family, we'd be past our 30th anniversary now. We're still friends but there is a weird under-layer of sad when we see each other.
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Mar, 2017 09:59 am
@ehBeth,
We've been having the serious talk for a while now. I went over what it takes. What you sacrifice and how much it changes your life. I went over the factors of being older and how much commitment is involved.

In terms of work he runs his own business so it would work out with our schedules and his flexibility.

He's watched my kids but not overnight. He did offer to once but I didn't need to go to the place anymore. I don't think he's ever taken his nieces/nephews overnight but they are all just as old as mine for the most part.

Oddly enough I was going to tell him we should watch my friends kids for a night. She has two under the age of two.

I do agree with the age difference being a plus.

In terms of springing it on me he went from a ton of I don't knows to suddenly BOOM I need two kids. I agreed it's not fair and I told him that. He also admitted that he knew it wasn't fair.

I also went over the no guarantees. I told him just because I have two doesn't mean he "works". I explained how long it can take to fall pregnant. I explained the high risk after 35. I told him that, if he truly feels he needs two that he should be able to have that chance but it would be with someone else. I explained that, if he decided that then he still has the chance of one or none.

In the end we want to be together. He doesn't want someone else. I think he is just trying to wrap his head around the idea of it all. I told him that if we can't work this out then, as much as it would hurt, we would end up going our separate ways. It pains me to say that and I think it shocked him more or less.

We are presently taking a few days to process it all because it came out full blown over the weekend.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 21 Mar, 2017 10:07 am
@Crazielady420,
Crazielady420 wrote:
Oddly enough I was going to tell him we should watch my friends kids for a night. She has two under the age of two.


he needs to do this on his own - and work up to more than a night

___

lots to think about eh

can he give up running his business for a couple of years?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Tue 21 Mar, 2017 10:09 am
@Crazielady420,
As I read this post I feel really grateful that we've had the chance to know you for so long. Noddy would adore and admire the very wise woman you are.
Crazielady420
 
  3  
Reply Tue 21 Mar, 2017 10:28 am
@ehBeth,
I can't see him giving up his work but that is a valid point. I'll have to keep a mental note when the final talk occurs.

I'm grateful to have known you all for so long as well. I appreciate you saying that. It's been a long road but I wouldn't change it for the world. I've had an amazing support system here, it's helped me more than anyone could ever know. <3
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Tue 21 Mar, 2017 08:55 pm
@Crazielady420,
Interesting read.

I realize you know the things I'm about to say, but maybe hearing them from a 3rd party.....

Even if you decided for sure you'd like more children, that's no guarantee you'll even get pregnant. Sure, you may have had no problem in the past, but you may have been lucky. What if you did have 1 child, and a 2nd pregnancy just never happens? What if one pregnancy never happens?

Also, there's nothing magical about turning 35, like all of a sudden Boom!, you're high risk. Sure there might be a steep decline in fertility, or increase in problems, but one can't say being 36 is somehow innately dangerous.

I've always been skeptical about statistics and the way they are phrased to make one either complacent, or terrified. For instance, I just looked up the incidence of Downs at 35, and 40. It sounds very scary to say at 30 you have a 1 in 939 chance, at 35 a 1 in 353 chance, and at 40 a 1 in 85 chance. But, if one were to say a 40 year old woman has a 2.5% chance of having a Downs baby, it just doesn't sound so bad.

There's actual risk, and relative risk.

What if you don't become pregnant, or have a miscarrage, or any other number of things? Would it end your relationship? If you didn't have more children, would you have a happy life? Would the 2 of you? Would having more children make you a happier person?

There's always adoption you know, if you don't want to bring any more people into the world. Not saying this about you, have no idea, but I find it funny when people believe adoption is a great thing.....for someone else.

One thing I don't get is your partner saying "it's not fair" re having a kid with him. It's not fair? Would he love his own fruit of his seed more? Would it be, even slightly, a "mine, and them"? He really has been great for you, you have a good life. If you two want another child or children, and can care for them, I hope you have them.

PUNKEY
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 22 Mar, 2017 12:38 pm
He's 34 and never been married? Hasn't any kids? Well, maybe he should have acted earlier.

I don't care for his veiled threats. Is he making this a "deal breaker?"

Good you are talking about this now.

Remember: 35 + 15 year old teen = 50. Those teens take even more energy than a toddler.


chai2
 
  3  
Reply Wed 22 Mar, 2017 04:59 pm
@PUNKEY,
Punkey, would it be better if he married, had a failed marriage, maybe including children, or that he's been careful to find a compatable person?

In any event, not being married by 34 is hardly unusual. According to the link below, the average age of a man in the UK marrying is over 33. For a woman, it's 30.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_age_at_first_marriage

Someday, you will manage to tear yourself out of the grip that the 1950's has on you.
ossobucotemp
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Mar, 2017 05:23 pm
@chai2,
I get chai's point. I, in the US, met my husband when I was 34, married at 37. I'm not so sure what is going on in the US; I've presumed things vary... regionally, religion-wise, education access, and so on.. Not that one or the other of those sets of options is wrong, just that people differ. I was older; we lasted a long time.

For this couple, I don't know - for them to work out, or not, or not and change their minds, or vice versa. For them to do.


PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Mar, 2017 07:00 am
In the US, it's 29 for men and 27 for women (college educated)

Excuse me all to hell that I didn't know she wasn't in the USA.

My second husband was 36 and I was 35 when we married, but I already had 3 kids, dog and cat. We discussed having a baby and he said no. (He taught middle school, so that may have been a reason) When all the kids were gone, we took in my 8 year old nephew. That one was a lot different to raise. (You just don't have as much physical energy)

I'm not insulted that you chide me for having 1950's values. I have 19 and 21 year old grandkids - I'm totally down with all their lives. They come to me and tell me things they don't tell their parents - why? - because I'm more calm and more open to their new thinking. One thing that I do know is that blended marriages can be a challenge and everyone needs to have the same outlook on the future.
0 Replies
 
Crazielady420
 
  2  
Reply Sat 25 Mar, 2017 01:19 pm
@chai2,
I'll try to address everyone at once. I am in the U.S. but I married young and honestly wished I had waited until I was in my 30s because I learned who I was by then.

In regards to getting pregnant I explained that to him. That there is no guarantee for kids. I went over miscarriage (which happened with my first pregnancy). I went over how he may not be able to or how I might not be able to, regardless that I've had kids before. After explaining it again several times I think he's finally grasping it (since this original post)

In regards to statistics I do agree with you. I don't want kids past 35 because I don't want to be parenting through my 50s (not that parenting ever ends). When I am 43 my kids will be 18 and 20.

I am an epileptic so I automatically fall into high risk. I went over my medications and the preparations I need to take before we were to try. It would take me over six months before I can try according to my doctor.

I brought up the option of adoption and surrogacy as well. He said he didn't really take that into mind initially.

After much more talking he seems to have a much better understanding. He has realized that it may not ever happen and he has let go of the idea of two. More on the whole if it were to happen then it happens.

We've gone over if it's a deal breaker and it isn't. I told him that I don't want to be resented and vice versa. So ultimately, IF it happens then he is okay with one. To sum it up, in the end, he just wants to be with me.


0 Replies
 
Crazielady420
 
  2  
Reply Sat 25 Mar, 2017 01:22 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yes he's never been married. He opted to travel and see the things he wanted to see before he went towards settling down. Now he has traveled and experienced all the rest the world has to offer.

I don't think it was a threat, we spoke about everything very honestly. I told him that, if he couldn't accept the fact that he may have two, then we should walk away without resentment as opposed to staying together and ultimately wishing we hadn't.

I explained to him that we needed to talk about this before the relationship went any further and I am glad I did!

Also I have thought about the age thing... with the retirement age now I couldn't handle teens in my very early 50s. I'll also have done it twice before since my kids will be teenagers before I know it.
0 Replies
 
Crazielady420
 
  2  
Reply Sat 25 Mar, 2017 01:30 pm
@ossobucotemp,
In the US it seems to becoming common for people to start their career and buy their house and then get married. I've read a lot about millennials (Which is a category that I was placed in even though I don't agree. I grew up without the internet and cell phones. I played outside and went home when the church bells rang 7 times, etc. I didn't have a cell phone until age 16 and a computer until age 16 because they were just starting to become the new age thing. I am old enough to have never texted in high school or even in my early 20s before it became the new thing).

I will say though that, in comparison to the baby boomer generation, that we now need two incomes to become home owners (at least where I live). The average cost of an apartment my area is $1800 with nothing included. Unfortunately I didn't choose where I was raised and I'm pretty much stuck here since I'm divorced and can't leave the state.

Anyhow my main thing was that I agree with marrying in your 30's. It seems more reasonable to me. I married at 25 and I was divorced at 29.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sat 25 Mar, 2017 02:28 pm
I wonder why I thought you were from England? Maybe you remind me of someone else. Oh well. It's all good.

I'm glad he getting/gotten that kids aren't something you order up like a burger. Very Happy

With 2, you've done your part in keeping mankind from going extinct. Cool If it happens you have no more, he can feel good about keeping it below replacement value.
0 Replies
 
 

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