I don't want to let him go

Forums: Relationships, Breakup
Email this Topic • Print this Page

I may seem like a dog looking for scraps here, and I probably am, but hear me out. I'll try to keep it short.
My ex and I had an intense dynamic- we did argue and had some issues, but we were best friends and we got along very well, for the most part.
We broke up once before, and reconciled finding we couldn't live happily without each other. Recently we had a particularly bad patch and he just felt that it had all become too stressful and felt that splitting was the best option. This was over two months ago.
However, I told him since then that I still love and miss him immensely and he told me he loves and misses me very much too, but that he cannot do it anymore. Neither of us are seeing anyone new, and he seems to be stalling giving my stuff back. He's also made it clear that he wants to continue to be 'sociable' with me but right now he doesn't have anything to say and wants me to leave him alone, at least for now. So I can't help but think there is still a chance. Maybe I'm convincing myself that there are 'signs' here, I dunno.
I've had other relationships but he is the only person I have ever felt this way about and I know I can walk away but I genuinely believe in our relationship. Finding true love in the gay community is much more difficult than the heterosexual community so when you find that one person you particularly want to keep them. But I don't want to make this a gay issue because it's really not even about that.

I have been working on myself as I am aware of the issues I contributed myself from my end. We both contributed issues.
It wasn't all him or all me.

I want him to be happy and I am respecting his wishes. I've stopped texting and am leaving him alone but...... I can't help but hold a flame for him.
What should I do?

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,611 • Replies: 11
Topic Closed

@Drkhrt,

Get your stuff back in person and have a conversation.

Say something like: Dave (or whatever his name is), I think what we had was really special and I am working on myself because I hope we can someday reconcile.

And then see what he says. He might say something like, that's great, let's stay in touch. Or I'm happy for you but I don't see us reconciling any time soon. But I do want you to be happy. Or good thing because you started it (and then another fight starts). Of course you don't want the latter. But I think the second one is the most likely. I know you want the first one, but understand it might not be in the cards.

Note: I am a straight woman. But of course I've had heartache, too. Everyone over the age of five (more or less) has.

And I can tell you that, looking back with years of perspective, it's a good thing a lot of relationships I had ended. Even if, at the time, they seemed amazing. I am in touch with a number of these men and they turned out wonderfully for the most part. I sincerely do wish for them to be happy in their lives. But they are not in mine, not really (not beyond Facebook) and I don't want them in mine. And the opposite, I am sure, is true.

So maybe this guy is an interim step to the one who will really be the best for you. But you won't meet or give the 'one who will really be the best for you' a chance if you don't let this guy go first.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thank you for your comment @Jespah, and I'm sorry you experienced this yourself because it is one of the worse pains a person can experience.
I've already told him what you suggested via text, and I fear that if I say it in person he will only become annoyed and it will make things worse.
After a lot of thinking, and a lot of back and forth, I feel for now I have to just let things be. The more I push, the more he pulls away. If, after some distance, he still wants to move on, I will not prevent that. I would not try to block his happiness.
I feel that I have nothing left to lose at this point so I am willing to see if space is the answer. If not, I guess I can say I tried. In terms of future love, I need some time before I can even consider that.
But you are right that I need to take this as a learning curve and a building experience, not just for any potential future relationship, but also for my own growth.

1 Reply

@Drkhrt,

You're gonna be okay.

I thought the world was ending when I was 24.

I met my husband when I was just 26. I am now 54. Very Happy

1 Reply

@jespah,

I love hearing stuff like this. That's a long time to be married, congrats! I'm 28 which is young but approaching 30 I do have that sense that things should already be in order. But I guess it takes longer for some people than others. I'm not going to fight for my ex or fight against my ex's decision- I am going to let it be and accept whatever the outcome is. I would love to have the same kind of enduring relationship/marriage that you have but it's not something worth anticipating. I don't know the future so I don't want to give myself false hope. Whether it's him, or someone else, I am aware it's something I have little control over. However, I remain positive that I will be okay either way.
Thank you for your comment again @Jesper.

0 Replies

What does "sociable" mean?

Once heavily involved (i.e. living together) can two people be just "sociable"?

Think he means FWB? That doesn't seem to be good enough for you from what you have written.

Get your things back and then see if he wants to start to discuss your relationship.

2 Replies

@PUNKEY,

What he means by sociable is 'friendly terms'. That could be anything from texting to hanging out, but he definitely doesn't mean FWB.
The problem is, every time I mention us giving things back (I have a valuable item of his, too), he reiterates that he has nothing to say to me and that meeting to give things back is exactly that- just giving things back. And has been very flaky for over two months in regards to meeting me so that we CAN give things back and truly move on. I just keep getting 'I'm busy', or 'there's no rush'.
It's quite confusing as I'm getting mixed signals at this point. I get the impression that if I DID do what yourself and @Jespah suggested, it is not going to go down well considering he doesn't want to talk to me. Right now, based on my ex's behaviour, going directly to him to get my stuff and tell him how I feel doesn't feel like a good idea. At least not just yet anyway.
I can't really read the waters right now. I do honestly believe, especially given my ex's nature, I have to leave this situation alone for a while. Let things cool down. It's been a while already but he is the type who takes a while to gather his thoughts/feelings. Plus, we have never really not been in contact for longer than 3 weeks, in 4 years (a couple of years ago when we separated the first time, I initiated no contact- after 3 weeks it was him who contacted me). That was the longest time we didn't communicate. Usually it's a matter of days.
He did say to me that he isn't mad at me or holds any ill-will, I just think he needs breathing time to assess and digest.
I love him enough to be patient. It's not really going to make any difference to me one way or another. I am continuing to work on myself regardless.

0 Replies

@PUNKEY,

And sorry, these posts are kinda long but I have to get the detail in for it to make sense!

0 Replies

Wow -

I wonder why you aren't angry!!!

Was that your role in this relationship - overly patient, apathetic, waiting on his validation/decision, passive . . . ?

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

I think in all fairness it kinda goes both ways as far as the 'patience' is concerned. I could be moody/difficult a lot of the time (an issue I am working on) and he was always very patient and tolerant of that. And I know this was something that he didn't deal with that well. I don't think I can say either of us had a role as such, but he did tend to 'get his way' more than I did. Not sure if that makes me passive or not but I always knew my ex was a bit of a spoilt brat and it wasn't that deep of an issue. He cared about me tremendously, and was generous in many ways, especially with his łove.
I indeed was angry intially after the breakup, and I've gone through all the other stages of emotion that most people experience post-breakup. But now the only emotion I feel is sad. I miss him terribly. I don't know if this is making me blind to the fact that perhaps this breakup really may be for the best. I just miss the relationship because it went through the motions, but we were genuinely best friends. And I think it's important that I make that point because many couples are attracted to each other as lovers but not necessarily in-tune with each other as people. We very much were- we probably knew the other better than we knew ourselves. That kind of bond is hard to walk away from.

0 Replies

Yes, disbelief, anger, then sadness, then acceptance. Those might be the "stages" you will go thru during this breakup.

Look - if this "stuff" is not important to you, then just tell him to give it all to a local charity. If not, then send someone to get it, after telling him to set it out on the porch.

This is all going to be painful for you - but try to make an effort to get out and be around people. Join an art class, church or gym. Get out there and show you are a survivor!! Good luck.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Thank you for your comment Punkey. I've joined a gym, and I'm taking driving lessons. Also am currently working towards a promotion. I have stopped contacting my ex- I have accepted that I can't switch my feelings off, and that I still love and miss him. It's extremely painful but I am gradually learning to live with it.
The stuff- I don't care about the stuff. I just don't get why it's been this long and he's stalling giving them back. But you're right. I guess we both know that returning the stuff is symbolic that it's really over and perhaps that's why he can't bring himself to commit to giving them back.
Just taking it day by day and trying to be positive about the future.

0 Replies

I don't want to let him go

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know