Age gap

real world


In the physical world, a predator or child molester is usually someone a parent or child knows—someone who might even be trusted by the family.

http://www.nap.edu/netsafekids/pp_sp.html

For goodness sake! im pleased i dont know half of you ur all paranoid! Hes a nice guy and hes said we are just mates, he isnt a child molester u know

Actually, we don't know, and neither do you, really. Many, many child molesters are the kinds of folks whose neighbors say things like "I don't know, he was so ... normal." while the perpetrator is being led away in handcuffs.

Perhaps this guy is, perhaps he isn't. Certainly it raises alarm bells when an 18-year-old starts talking romance with a 12-year-old. Oh yeah, by the way, have you told your parents anything about this? Something tells me you haven't, thinking they would freak. You'd be right. Nearly any parent in the world would.

It's good that he's saying he wants to be just friends. That's fine. Like I said before, friendship is a wonderful thing. One thing I suggest, though, is don't let this friendship/crush close you off to other experiences, with boys who are a lot closer to your age. Surely there were others in your confirmation class, and there are, of course, plenty of other people at church. Plus there are folks from school and any after-school activities you engage in (sports, that kind of thing) and your neighborhood, etc. Get to know these people - young, old, male, female, rich, poor, etc. What I am suggesting is a full and interesting life.

People with full and interesting lives don't depend upon one person for their happiness. They see possibilities everywhere, for fun, for friendship and, yes, for eventual love. This gives them the opportunity to learn about other people, and not to just spend time with one crush, with one relationship, with one friendship. Also as was said before, the boys in your age group tend to be really immature. It can be difficult to wait for them to catch up to girls, who blossom a lot earlier. But the boys do catch up! And in the meantime, if you have a strong network of friends, of both genders, of all ages and all walks of life, you will be better able to handle what happens when your dating life starts. Right now it's early to be dating and, in particular, very early to be even considering dating someone so much older. So spend this time building a foundation. You won't regret it.

Nobody here has said he is a beast. What we are saying is that there is something unusual for an 18 yr old to want to spend time with a 12 yr old. And like Jespah, I find it hard to believe that a parent would think it perfectly fine for a 12 yr old to spend time talking to and spending time with an 18 yr old.

You may very well know him from church. That is great. But guess what? It still does not make it right and normal for the two of you to be close friends.

Nobody here has said not to be friends with him. But be smart for both your sakes. Don't be anywhere alone with him. It can only lead to trouble for both of you. You are way too young to screw up the rest of your life.

I agree with you, Sarah. I think some here have jumped to some extreme conclusions about your friend. For the sake of this discussion, I will believe you that he is a decent guy.

He's made a good decision that the two of you should not have a romantic relationship. Respect his decision, and don't try to change his mind, okay? He really could mess up his life if he gets involved with you. I'm sorry, but that's the truth of the matter, and as you grow older, you'll find that the truth isn't always pleasant.

Jespah gave you some great advice about filling your time with other things so you don't have a lot of time to dwell on your feelings for him. The feelings will pass, they always do. They just SEEM like they will last forever. Hang in there, sweetie.

(((HUGS))))

I agree with Eva Sarah. I think he made a wise choice.

Happy trails and (((HUGS))) from me as well

You people are as paranoid as can be...if you read your post properly, she's the one that fancied him, not the other way around-and he did the proper thing by deciding to leave it as friends-but even if he hadn't...first of all, there is absolutely NOTHING in the law that forbids romantic relationship between minors and adults provided they are free of sexual activity...and there is a difference between a child molester 'grooming' his next victim online and someone who has gone through confirmation at church with a girl and known her for a couple years in person...it may be unorthodox, but who are you all to judge? In other countries, girls are wed and impregnated by 12. I'm not saying this is right, or wrong, but you seem to be laboring under the assumption that our legal system is somehow a definition of morality as well. I agree that predators are out there, and many people cannot be trusted, but to be so closed minded and accusatory towards probably a perfectly decent young man just makes me sick.

If that romantic relationship involves touching, including kissing, then yes it certainly is against the law.

I can't speak for the rest, but I never even thought that. I just think it's not a good idea for a 12-year-old girl to get involved in something illegal. Whether it is morally right or wrong is an entirely different question...nevertheless, it's still illegal.

no matter how old you feel now, as each year passes until you turn 18, you will look back on yourself from the last year and realize how much more mature and different you are. when you reach 18, you will realize you don't even think on the same level that you did when you were 12. then you'll understand what we're talking about. you are not right for each other.

So when family friends come over (over 18s) and we greet them with a kiss that is illegal?

Not unless it's french kissing.

I don't mean to sound flip but it's the truth. There's a difference between a peck on the cheek (hey, my nephew kisses like that, and he's 9) and a full-blown passionate kiss. Surely you know that.

Note that I said 'free from sexual activity'. Touching and kissing is included right in there..I know that it could be difficult for two people to engage in a non-physical relationship..but it is possible. I had to do it for six months when I entered into a long distance relationship across state.

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Ok, but I never met an 18 year old who would be interested in a romantic relationship with someone they couldn't share a passionate kiss, especially a man. It simply wouldn't be realistic for a 12 year old to have a (non-sexual) romantic relationship with an 18 year old. It wouldn't be realistic for them to be anything but friends. You even said that it would be difficult for two people to have a non-physical relationship and it's not like they would only have to wait 6 months. They'd have to wait more like 6 years, so does that sound like a situation you think either one of them should be in? What would be the point of the relationship if they can't even share a passionate kiss? The only thing that could come out of a romantic relationship between these two people is hurt. I don't mean to sound harsh, but these are the facts and they need to be realistic.

HI, I STUMBLED ACROSS THIS FORUM & THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP, I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM I AM ONLY 19 & I MYSELF HAVE ALWAYS DATED OLDER GUYS HOWEVER AT 12 YOU HAVE SO MUCH OF YOUR LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE THINKING ABOUT DATING ANYONE, I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT I REALLY HAD NOTHING IN COMMON W/ GUYS MY AGE, BUT I WAITED TO DATE UNTIL I WAS 16 MY FIRST BOYFRIEND WAS THEN 20 WHICH IS STILL A LARGE AGE DIFFERENCE HOWEVER I FELL THAT EVEN WAITING FOUR YEARS YOU KNOW YOURSELF A LITTLE BETTER. PLUS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE SAID THERE ARE LAWS INVOLVED. AND AT 12 YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ENTERED YOUR TEENAGE YEARS YOUR STILL legally A MINOR & HE IS AN ADULT. I AT 19 HAVE a lot OF FRIENDS IN THAT 18 YEAR OLD BOY RANGE MOST OF WHICH I KNOW FROM CHURCH, AND TRUST ME THEY ARE ALMOST ALL THE SAME THEY STILL THINK ABOUT SEX unfortunately.