@Helpless in Seattle ,
Hi Helpless. I'm brand new to this forum. 3 years ago, I was brand new to infidelity, after 27 years of marriage. Only I wasn't, really. Like you, my husband had cheated early on in our marriage and I never knew. He had actually had 2 separate affairs during the first 7 years of our marriage and I honestly knew nothing...I was busy with the first of our two babies, etc. After 27 years, I got an anonymous email that I absolutely thought was bunk...but it wasn't. UNLIKE YOUR HUSBAND, mine was now in another affair and someone knew and decided to let me know. At first, he lied about the present affair. I never would have known about the original affairs, but eventually through counseling and as his heart changed, he chose to tell me all the truth. I'm sure you understand my overwhelming devastation. But it was also the place in which we could begin to build a new marriage.
Now, what we both see, is that those 27 years of original marriage always had the layers of lies, and impeded our ability to be truly emotional intimate and connected. With those gone, and eventual forgiveness, along with learning new ways to be open and honest and safe with and for each other, I can honestly say we have an amazing marriage.
Personally, I would not make my goal to JUST stay together. I was prepared to move on without him because I could not live with lies or disconnection or without passion, trust, etc. That isn't what I have now, though. Our marriage is scarred and bloody but oh, so beautiful. I wouldn't trade what we now have for anything but it took courage, commitment, love and grace to build.
I hope you find your path to healing completely. My heart is with you.