Should I end it?

Reply Sun 26 Feb, 2017 04:54 pm
I have been married for a few years, my first his second, no children currently. My husband is a wonderful man, that's why I married him. I have literally no complaints and should be very happy... unfortunately I have never been in love with him. I love him as a person but I am not in love with him.

Recently I stepped outside of our marriage, he doesn't know this. The fling shon a light on what I am missing at home. The fact that I don't love him isn't his fault, it's about me. The affair wasn't his fault, it was about me..

Anyway.. it's over now and I am here with my husband. He wants to start a family but I am not sure I can do that. He will be a fantastic dad and I'm sure our lives would be happy enough, but threes no magic. No spark.

The worst of it all, is that I know he truely is in love with me. To end the marriage would destroy him. He has such a kind heart I am devistated to have put him in this position.
Reply Sun 26 Feb, 2017 06:11 pm
It's a very recent concept that marriage is about being "in love"

Weigh your pros and cons carefully.

Good, faithful husband
Good provider/partner in marriage
Good person
Good father
In it for the long haul.

As opposed to the limerence you had when you cheated with someone that you didn't see wearing dirty socks, or pulling weeds or paying the bills.

Finding someone who would cheat on you
Be a crappy father
The disappointment and disillusionment when the "new" wears off.

Not to mention the hassel of divorce, spliting up assets, moving, drama of some level or another, reduced financial circumstances, the whole tiring thing of starting from stratch with or without someone new.

But, you're an adult. You'll do what you want.
Reply Sun 26 Feb, 2017 06:20 pm
Thank you. I appreciate the realism in your response.
Reply Sun 26 Feb, 2017 06:46 pm
Sarah hang in there as it's a slow day hereabout. With no profile you might tell us sumpthin' 'bout urself, anythin'. Evidently a newcomer in which case Chai and I welcome you
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Reply Sun 26 Feb, 2017 07:09 pm
SarahRae wrote:

Thank you. I appreciate the realism in your response.

Not just realism, but gaging if you are getting a sufficient level of contentment/happiness in your life.

I'm not talking about weekend trip to Paris, he scatters rose petals on the floor for me stuff. Anyway, that trip has to get paid for, and those rose petals ain't gonna sweep themselves up.

Nor am I talking about a lifetime of drudgery or unremitting distaste for someone.

You had a fling, you liked the newness, the excitement. That quickly goes away. Whatever you decide to do, leave that alone, it's the past. No sense hurting someone by some need to assuage your guilt. That goes against the seemingly popular notion that you need to let someone/everyone know every single thing. This is a lesson to keep to yourself. Not with guilt or feelings that you were a bad person, but with the knowledge that these things happen.

BTW, don't worry about putting in a profile if you don't want. The person who wrote that is obsessed with that for some reason.

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Reply Mon 27 Feb, 2017 03:45 pm
I'll second what Chai said, regarding being 'in love' being a relatively new expectation in marriage.

Further, if you pay attention to most couples who pass the 10 year mark, it's a very limited percentage who are still truly happy together (though they may find moments, and even times of happiness). And the vast majority complain that the sex has stopped.

I have a friend who wouldn't enter a relationship unless the sex was great (as her primary concern), and he was A,B,C,D. She's still single into the later years of her life.

That's not to say that one shouldn't experience great sex if that is their concern in life at that time - just that it's not the only consideration regarding what makes a long term relationship happy.
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