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Sat 25 Feb, 2017 02:39 am
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. Alot of which, when I think about it, were not happy times for me. Right from the very beginning of our marriage we fought terribly. We got married rather quickly without really fully knowing our ugly sides. He is an amazing man and he loves me dearly. From the time we were dating I noticed that sex was not normal for us. He can't really perform physically and has a lot of health issues due to diabetes. I thought when I married him, love was enough because everything else was great and he took care of me. Very quickly, I grew tired of not being able to have sex but I didnt want to hurt his ego so I would just turn over and cry myself to sleep.
Eventually, I continually mentioned nicely that he needed to get it checked out. I eventually began to be quite frank with him and expressed my frustration and how if he loved me, why wouldnt he want to get it checked for me so we can connect sexually? 5 years and an affair later and its still on the backburner. 1 year ago I had an affair with a married man (for 6 months) and it became quite serious. At first, I made it very evident it was just going to be for sex until he started to fall for me and asked me to engage my heart. And me not feeling any kind of connection anymore at home and longing for that made it very easy for me to do so.
What he and I felt was a connection like no other. Out of this world passion and amazing sex. Things I hadnt ever felt for my husband, especially sexually. My husband is well aware of the affair but I dont know that he knows how attached we were.
A year later of activately working at our marriage and trying to heal from this and do the right thing and he is still on my mind. I despise sex with my husband. Nothing has changed in that area. And still, what I felt with him I dont even partially feel with my husband.
Can terrible sex be a marriage killer? Never having that sexual connection/chemistry and never having an orgasm with your spouse? I feel like there is this huge piece of our marriage missing and I desire my ex lover so so much. If it were just sex, shouldn't I be able to move on?
P.S. I've expressed very openly with my husband that i feel frustrated and that i feel like a very vital part of our marriage is missing
@elyt,
If you have to ask if you're in love with someone, it almost always means you aren't.
So talk with your husband, and his doctor, and see what's out there which can help both of you.
From your post you say things werent right from the beginning of the marriage. So why do you stay? (Money and kids and sex keeps people together. Which is it for you?)
Are you still seeing this lover?
Your title asks if you are in love.
@PUNKEY,
I'm not really sure why I stay. Because it's the right thing? Because I need to know I've done everything in my power to try and make this marriage work and to make up for my affair. Because who wants to divorce? Because he is a good man and I don't want to hurt him and every time I've tried to leave he wouldn't let me. I don't have kids and we aren't rich so I'm not benefiting financially and you already know the situation with sex so it's not that.
No I am no longer seeing the lover but every few months we'll send a text and remind each other that we miss each other and that what we felt we have never felt with anyone else. He is now separated and in the process of a divorce and I'm here trying to mend mine.
@elyt,
What do you mean, he won't let you?
@Tiger81,
It's odd. It's like I've been so open and honest about my unhappiness and emptiness in what i feel like is missing in our relationship and the times I have said I wanted out due to it he does not accept it and will literally say no you cannot do that because we are married but yet he wont change it and he doesn't want to discuss the subject because its hard for him. Meanwhile, I become frustrated, depressed, there is a big elephant in the room he wont deal with not even for the woman he loves and he sees how much it bothers me.
Is this a reason to leave and end a marriage? It sad...
@elyt,
Then go to therapy and have the conversation there.
@elyt,
Yes it is sad, but life often is. Marriage is primarily about sex and companionship; without neither, it means very little.
@elyt,
He's says no, and that stops you from doing what's best for you?
I agree with jespah, find a therapist and figure out why you are letting him control you.
@elyt,
If you are still in contact with the other man (texting) than you are not helping your marriage at all. You need to decide to focus on your marriage and end all contact with the other man, or get a divorce. It's one or the other. However, only you can make that decision.
My ex husband and I didn't have sex. I knew from the beginning that we weren't right for each other. However, we had three kids and then he had an affair and I was left as a single mom raising three kids, divorced trying to make everything work. I love my kids to death, but this lifestyle sucks to be honest. So if you don't have kids yet and you are thinking this way already, think very hard and figure it out now. Talk things through with a therapist.
@elyt,
elyt wrote:to make up for my affair. Because who wants to divorce? Because he is a good man and I don't want to hurt him and every time I've tried to leave he wouldn't let me.
your marriage was a mistake
I think you need to accept that and prepare yourself to move on
I'm not sure how you can say your husband is a good man when he is not taking steps (per your description) to improve things between you sexually - and when you say he won't let you leave.
Go to a lawyer and begin the process of ending the marriage.
Once you've been on your own for a while (cut contact with your ex affair partner immediately) you will be ready to go out and find a partner who is right for you and who is available to you.
I wish you the very best.
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