About moving in together

Somebody's got to fish or cut bait. And I think it'll end up being you.

He sounds really committed to living with his buddy. Is it for investment purposes, or something else? Because he can invest while not living in the domicile.

A house is usually going to be a better investment than an apartment, because you build up equity and you also get a sweet tax break on your mortgage payments and property taxes (at least you get the latter here in Massachusetts, YMMV). So I can see the point of buying a house, so if that is the thrust of his argument, then he's kind of right - although I'm with you if it's a commuting issue. I happen to live in a house in the city but they are getting rarer all the time and we bought before the area became at all gentrified. We probably would not be able to afford our house if we had to buy it tomorrow.

But if his argument is that he wants to live with his pal, then that is something else entirely. I hate these ultimatums. I hate the foot putting down of it all. But you might be getting to that point. I. e. it's either you or it's Steve (or whatever the friend's name is).

If he chooses Steve, then you know where you stand, and can act accordingly. And wish them well when they pick out a china pattern.

What are your ages?

I have to be honest, I admire this guy.

He's being very clear on his desires and intent, and isn't willing to compromise the big picture by having to move to an area he wants, to an apartment where there's no return on investment.

He's being direct in his communication, asking her if she intends to move with them or not, and when she came up with a counter proposal that didn't suit his plans, he expressed no interest.

He's not stringing her along in any way

Neither she, or at least her living with him, isn't a component of his big picture.

Issuing ultimatums, wheedling, seems like a waste of her time.

26 and 28

I most definitely understand wanting the return on investment with a house however the only person getting any return is his friend currently. If he plans on putting his name on a mortgage with his friend I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. I just feel like being 26 myself and him about to turn 29 that, we shouldn't be living with his friend, it just doesn't feel right to me. I don't like ultimatums myself but I'm feeling out of sorts with the entire situation.

Sounds like BF is a co-owner. He and friend are buying another home. He has invited you to live with him.

If you two start to make plans, he can either buy out his friend or vice versa. Right now he's building equity.

Whats the problem?

[quote="PUNKEY] He has invited you to live with him.



[/quote]

No he hasn't.

To the OP, you may think whatever you like about what the 2 of you "should" be doing, but you seem to totally miss the part about what he wants.

He's already said what he wants, and what in fact he's going to do. Why are you trying to change that rather than decide what you are going to do?

He's not a co-owner that's one of the problems, he's basically just renting from his friend

since your boyfriend is simply a tenant, his friend is putting his home on the market

his friend is looking for another house , your boyfriend is apparently moving along with him and they're curious if you are going to move with them

Have you and your boyfriend had any discussions about what longterm plans the two of you might have together?

He is a tenant, not a co-owner. There is no return on investment for a tenant.

True, but sounds like he's buying the next house with his friend.

Even if that's not the case, and there's no money involved, he's made his desires pretty clear.

At the most, it seems he's just curious about her plans of moving with them or not. He isn't interested in moving where she wants to go, and apparently hasn't actually asked her to go with them. From the wording she used, it doesn't seem he cares o e way or the other.

The boyfriend has selected his landlord for, I dunno, a year? A decade? All time? I think the OP just wants to know where she stands.

Isn't that clear? He hasn't asked her to move with him, just asked if those were her plans. He's going to be "on the mortgage" as she put it, on the next house, which means an owner. He expressed no interest in moving into an apartment closer her work. He's not invited her to be "on the mortared" i.e. buy in as well.

Based solely on what she's chosen to share, throwing an ultimatum or demand to know where things lie isn't going to result in this man changing the plans he has obviously thought out.

I suppose one could say that would be for her benefit to know for sure, but really, how superfluous is that?

Well, she needs to know where she's going to live. And possibly whether the relationship will continue.

If he has decided this is where he's going to be, and that's that, then he's the one issuing the ultimatums (ultimata?). He's the one who's saying, "I am going to live with Steve in whatever house and neighborhood Steve picks out. Your choice is to take it or leave it." The commute doesn't seem like it would work out for her, and they have been together for 5 years; this is not some newbie 5 week-long 'relationship'. There is a history there.

Personally, I wouldn't want to continue with someone who didn't seem to care about my preferences in such a fundamental question as to where to live. You never, ever get commuting time back; it's just a black hole. So if he is not a co-owner then he's decided who the landlord will be for him for the indefinite future.

His benefits are to hang out with his buddy, get the economy of living somewhere where maybe his rent is lower than the area average or he can be late without penalties, and he (maybe) is sharing the utilities without having to pay extra. Plus he gets to hang out with his buddy. I don't know what his commuting situation is.

Her benefits are to continue in a relationship with a guy who doesn't seem to have considered she might want to do something different, and doesn't seem to have considered her commute or any other things which might help him as much as her (such as establishing better credit faster by being responsible for an apartment with his name on the lease and the utilities with his name on the bills). She also gets a longer commute (yay?).

Steve's benefit is to hang out with his buddy. But if Steve has a serious girlfriend or is contemplating one, she might not be too thrilled with this situation continuing. If she wants space for kids or an office or a studio for painting, or just wants her privacy, this living arrangement gives her the shaft, too.

we don't know that
she doesn't seem to know that

The OP has a lot of things she needs to talk to her boyfriend about. What is the financial situation going to be with the next house her boyfriend lives in? does he see a long-term future for them as a couple?

more questions than answers.

did you invite him to move in with you away from his friend?

I agree with you 100% jes as far as assessing the situation (except that I believe he's buying into this next house, and he and his friend haven't wanted to include her in the deal....very telling right there.

I think we're saying a lot of the same things, me just believing it's already more of a done deal.

As far as him making an ultimatum, he hasn't presented terms, made demands, even said "take it or leave it" From what we know (and I'm really trying to stick to only what we know) He's been clear in his actions. He knows what he wants to do, and is going to do it. End of subject. He asked her if she plans to come along. That's up to her. From what the OP has written, he hasn't even said he would like that if that's what she chooses.

It that all means this was a relationship of convenience to him, that it meant someone to sleep with, as well as contribute to the rent, fine. The tone of the whole thing is "I'm buying a house with friend (be on the mortgage), what are you plans" That's not an ultimatum. We don't know if he even wants a girlfriend, or a relationship, or anything beyond that he definately wants to, and is going to, invest in a house with a friend.

The OP is the one tied up with what she thinks "should" be happening at this point. Maybe she's a Life Scripter. The "first comes love, then comes...."

It's really reading a lot into it getting into the "maybe she wants space for kids" or this that or the other.

She can have whatever she wants. It just might not be with him.

He's a free agent. He's said "I'm buying a house in this area. Are you planning on moving with us?"

It's on her to decide what she wants to do, not to try to change him into what she believes he "should" be at this time.

For what it's worth, I've been in the position of that girl, and when I look back on it, I have to wonder "What was I thinking?"

I've also been in the situation where I've been in the situation of the guy. Not necessarily in a romantic, but another equally important relationship, and having someone communicating in some way what I "should" be at a certain point.

A lot of what I should do, what was expected, what would make everyone happy, etc.
I learned I had the power, not over others, but for myself, to not get dragged into the sea of what/how others thought. But calmly just proceeded on with my plans.

From the way/what this woman has said, she's got a bunch of different scenerios all running around on what she'd like. He seems like he's directed towards what is best for him.

So far, the concensus seems to be that this guy should get himself involved in her issue of what she thinks he should do. I imagine it's infuriating thinking he might not play along with what anyone else wants.

She doesn't seem to know a lot about this person that she wants to convince to move to a part of town he expressed he doesn't want to live in, into a place he doesn't want to live. The fact she doesn't know these things, for whatever reason, is very telling.

What business is it of hers what the financial situation is going to be in the next house her boyfriend lives in?

We don't even know if this man considers this woman a girlfriend.

Does she need to discuss all this with him? That's her business.

So far, she's done nothing but express what she wants, how she feels things should be.
While she's talking about everything she wants, he's actually doing what he wants.

Just doesn't look like they want the same thing.