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Is Unwarranted Advice a Good Thing?

 
 
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 03:24 pm
So recently I was telling someone I am very close to and have even been romantic with in the past, that I have random anxiety moments. He asked what did I mean and I explained the details to him, but before I could even engage in a deeper conversation about it, he started with;" you know my recommendation". I told him I did and basically told him I didn't want to hear it again, that I understood that meditation and healthy lifestyle reduce anxiety, that I had suffered from it all my life and far worse in my youth. He continues in spite of my protest and states that him giving me his opinion or "beliefs", even when I don't want them, is a good thing and that part of the problem is me being too sensitive. BTW, I just explained to him it would be more effective if he didn't come off so patronizing and waited until I genuinely wanted/needed the advice.
What is the deal? Am I being sensitive by finding that slightly annoying?
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 03:36 pm
@stellarcloud,
A lot of men (women as well, although with men it seems more predominant) are hard-wired to rush in with a solution. And a lot of women (and men, but it's seen more with women) are hard-wired to rush in with support.

Next time, make your expectations clear from the beginning. As in, "Dave (or whatever his name is), I have some problems and I need your support right now. Please don't offer solutions, okay? I am just looking for support, thank you."

If he ignores your more than reasonable request, maybe stop sharing this stuff with him. And if his suggestions are good ones (or at least there's one good one), revisit it when you are back home alone and can think about it, particularly if you can do so without spiking it with emotion. Because maybe he's right or at least partly right.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 04:10 pm
@stellarcloud,
Your post is very much a statement on the general differences between men & women.

Although I understand that women sometimes just want support...I don't really comprehend why they would tell me a serious problem if they didn't want my thoughts on a solution (as opposed to them wanting me to listen when they want to vent because of frustration, anger etc - that I understand). And it can be very frustrating if the problem is one they've brought up before, but haven't gone about fixing (ie it's possible his behaviour is sourced in frustration)

If the problem for you is that the differences in communication/drive imperatives mean that you can't get to the deeper issues, and that is really what you want to talk about...you could consider starting with those deeper issues first.

As for the way in which advice is given - I personally expect that it will always be given respectfully (ie I think the way in which it is said is important).
0 Replies
 
stellarcloud
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 04:56 pm
@jespah,
I guess the problem I had was that I knew that those things helped and he knew I'd used those methods, and I felt like it was just him teaching me how to be more like him or something. If he'd casually went into a story about his own experience, it would of been chill. Instead he just goes on and on and I make jokes about how "Here we go"," I know I know" and all in a semi playful manner and state I don't really need to hear it, cause he's always going on and on about his health regiments. Eventually I just had to get serious and explain to him that acting like he knows better than me is condescending and how my strange story wasn't an invitation for his lectures. And to clarify, I had got a flat tire that morning and was late to my new job and was totally calm until a few min at work went by and had some kinda delayed anxiety response. Which I thought was odd. Nothing life ending, just weird
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 05:13 pm
I have decided that "What do you think" can be a very dangerous question.

Also, sometimes when we talk about something, the other person thinks, "What am I supposed to do with that information?'

Maybe you chose the wrong person to share this with.
roger
 
  4  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 05:32 pm
For the title question, if advice is unwarranted, it is not a good thing almost by definition.
0 Replies
 
stellarcloud
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 06:14 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yeah, I never asked him what do you think. Just wanted to share a strange story for fun.He just decided I needed to hear his recommendations or that I needed to be lectured or something. After I'd tried to explain I get it, and it seems patronizing, he stated that his advice was good advice and that me stating I didn't want to hear it, just meant I did. I even mentioned how it might be more effective if it wasn't so declarative and if he'd asked more questions. Side note: I'm a vegetarian, I do yoga and run and have less anxiety than ever before and not just because of my diet, but because I don't let it get in my way and I've just refused to baby myself. So really it just seemed so unwarranted and he made it seem like I was the jerk for not just taking it (again). Okay, done ranting..
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Feb, 2017 12:26 am
@stellarcloud,
stellarcloud wrote:

So recently I was telling someone I am very close to and have even been romantic with in the past, that I have random anxiety moments. He asked what did I mean and I explained the details to him, but before I could even engage in a deeper conversation about it, he started with;" you know my recommendation". I told him I did and basically told him I didn't want to hear it again, that I understood that meditation and healthy lifestyle reduce anxiety, that I had suffered from it all my life and far worse in my youth. He continues in spite of my protest and states that him giving me his opinion or "beliefs", even when I don't want them, is a good thing and that part of the problem is me being too sensitive. BTW, I just explained to him it would be more effective if he didn't come off so patronizing and waited until I genuinely wanted/needed the advice.
What is the deal? Am I being sensitive by finding that slightly annoying?


Maybe a little of both?

Any time you are discussing something private or "important" to you, you are going to have to expect you might not like what their response is. But is this me giving you more unwanted advice?

I think you were a little over sensitive given you decided to toss out the issue warrenting a response. But he could have also let it go once you protested. I would have dropped it once I realized you were done wanting advice.

stellarcloud
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Feb, 2017 07:04 am
@Krumple,
Oh no, this is more than warranted advice and thank you.
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Feb, 2017 07:10 am
Sorta like sharing your personal business here...once you open up with personal stuff, you invite any and all comments.

Don't complain to those who have a history of responding in a way you don't like.

And, fwiw, the guy is correct about the first and best solution you should try. It can be irritating to friends for others to complain and refuse the solution. They seem to like complaining.

I realize this may not describe you.
0 Replies
 
Leadfoot
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Feb, 2017 07:49 am
More unwarranted advice:

Next time write it down for yourself instead of venting to another. When it's your job to fix it and you know it, keep it that way
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Feb, 2017 08:55 am
@stellarcloud,
Wait, was any of his 'advice' about vegetarianism? Because when I was a serious vegetarian (I went back to eating chicken but not beef and I didn't eat pork before, but I digress), everybody and his brother decided they knew better than me when it came to my diet. The only real response to that is to tell them your doctor knows about your choices and they don't want you to contradict your own doctor, now, do they?
0 Replies
 
hightor
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2017 03:30 am
Are we discussing "unwarranted" advice or "unsolicited" advice? Because, as Roger pointed out:
Quote:
For the title question, if advice is unwarranted, it is not a good thing almost by definition.
0 Replies
 
Fil Albuquerque
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2017 05:18 am
@stellarcloud,
Some confusion here...
Freedom of speech n opinion are very legitimate, which in turn doesn't mean you have to put up with autistic lecturing and common sense advise when it is nonsensical or mundane paternizing.
In sum, ppl are free to talk n you are free to tell them to take a hyke...
0 Replies
 
 

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