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Thu 9 Feb, 2017 03:17 pm
My bf has his 12 yr old daughters bday this weekend. She doesnt want me there.
I wasn't invited last year either (because it was at his exes home). I told him last year that if we are to move in together and have more children together we need to share all family events. Him and I need to build that up and teach the kids how to be together.
I asked him to make sure that this year I was invited. I reminded a month ago, last weekend and we were planning for me to come until Tuesday night when his ex threw a wrench into it. (I think she can't handle me being there-she speaks poorly of me, but we have never met).
The ex spoke to her daughter and they agreed that Julia would be happier if her mom's bf and I weren't there. They wanted it to feel like "old times". The party is hosted at my boyfriends. My boyfriend is not happy about this manipulative behaviour of his ex, but also believes he shouldn't force his daughter to spend her bday with me. He is planning to discuss with her and talk about how "old times" are not realistic or appropriate any longer.
Both sets of grandparents are coming as well as her friends, its a family affair.
My bf is leaving the decision up to Julia as he feel it's her birthday and she should get the say. I need some advice, because not being included in family events doesn't feel right to me. I don't know how you build a life or even think about future children or living under one roof if I'm not allowed to go to his house for a family event. Do you have any advice or thoughts?
This sort of back-seat treatment happens alot. For example he focuses entirely on the kids when I am there, and the kids focus on their Dad which makes it hard for me to develop bonds with them. Although the 2 younger ones are easier and we do get along.
When we hang out with kids, we barely talk, touch, or sit beside each other. I feel like an outsider all the time, and this birthday event exacerbates it. He's a great boyfriend otherwise, when it's just him and I, (even tho we both carry our own baggage and have some other issues) but this makes me feel like I'd be happier alone.
I've been alone most of my life and waiting to find the right man, this doesn't feel right.
Some facts below:
We have been dating for 18 months.
He has 3 kids: Julia_12, Ethan_10, Ryleigh_7.
I am 38, single, no kids, never married.
He is 36 and separated for 2.5 years
The divorce is still in negotiations over financial debt. She cheated, twice. He has no in interest in ever going back.
We have been planning a future together, full of another child, dream home, retirement careers and many other things.
@Sononja,
Sononja wrote:
My bf has his 12 yr old daughters bday this weekend. She doesnt want me there.
I wasn't invited last year either (because it was at his exes home). I told him last year that if we are to move in together and have more children together we need to share all family events. Him and I need to build that up and teach the kids how to be together.
I asked him to make sure that this year I was invited. I reminded a month ago, last weekend and we were planning for me to come until Tuesday night when his ex threw a wrench into it. (I think she can't handle me being there-she speaks poorly of me, but we have never met).
The ex spoke to her daughter and they agreed that Julia would be happier if her mom's bf and I weren't there. They wanted it to feel like "old times". The party is hosted at my boyfriends. My boyfriend is not happy about this manipulative behaviour of his ex, but also believes he shouldn't force his daughter to spend her bday with me. He is planning to discuss with her and talk about how "old times" are not realistic or appropriate any longer.
Both sets of grandparents are coming as well as her friends, its a family affair.
My bf is leaving the decision up to Julia as he feel it's her birthday and she should get the say. I need some advice, because not being included in family events doesn't feel right to me. I don't know how you build a life or even think about future children or living under one roof if I'm not allowed to go to his house for a family event. Do you have any advice or thoughts?
This sort of back-seat treatment happens alot. For example he focuses entirely on the kids when I am there, and the kids focus on their Dad which makes it hard for me to develop bonds with them. Although the 2 younger ones are easier and we do get along.
When we hang out with kids, we barely talk, touch, or sit beside each other. I feel like an outsider all the time, and this birthday event exacerbates it. He's a great boyfriend otherwise, when it's just him and I, (even tho we both carry our own baggage and have some other issues) but this makes me feel like I'd be happier alone.
I've been alone most of my life and waiting to find the right man, this doesn't feel right.
Some facts below:
We have been dating for 18 months.
He has 3 kids: Julia_12, Ethan_10, Ryleigh_7.
I am 38, single, no kids, never married.
He is 36 and separated for 2.5 years
The divorce is still in negotiations over financial debt. She cheated, twice. He has no in interest in ever going back.
We have been planning a future together, full of another child, dream home, retirement careers and many other things.
This is very common. You have to understand from the parents point of view the children are forever, however you are no certainty. Developing bonds with his children are risky. Breakups affect the kids as well, especially if they get attached to you.
You will always take a back seat to the kids until they are older and your relationship with him sticks. I'm sure if you get time alone with him he is attentive and does things to make you feel important to him.
The Ex issue is not something you can really help just make sure not to get into that same game with her. The kids will know the difference in time when they understand their mother is spreading nonsense about you.
Have you ever offered to spend time with the kids without him? I mean if you are thinking long term this issue should be handled plus it gives you a chance to bond with them and allow them to see the things their mother says about you are not true.
You have to grow and put a way your ego sometimes because the kids are technically more important than you. Even when you make yourself available to be there for him and them you are still third best at most.
Never try to argue with a 12 year old girl. You are not going to win.
Besides, if she "approves" you, it may be seen a betraying her mother. Also, 12 year old girls have push/pull relationships with their fathers. You are her competition (not her mother's)
Step back and let this gathering happen. The "old times" argument wont wash because the new BF of the ex will be there, right?
Have another gathering - you, BF, the other kids, and Julia and celebrate again in another way. Make her a cake and smile.
You are going to have to be very patient about these children. This is a big baggage your BF has. Attend "blended family" counseling sessions before you continue any relationship with him.
@Sononja,
You do say "it doesn't feel right" so I'll add my comment in that context. But if you do want to make it work, as a child (34 yrs old haha) of divorced parents, I can say step parents have to earn the children's respect, it absolutely cannot be forced, and must be earned over a long period of time, most effectively by respecting the space of the parent and children, giving them their alone time, and never stepping in or trying to be either "nice" or an authority. The only partners of my parents I ever grew to tolerate were two of my mother's boyfriends who basically treated me with respect, but NEVER sucked up to me, and NEVER butted in to any conversation or interaction between me and my mom unless invited, or after a few years of gaining respect. Gradually I came to accept them, and then my mom broke up with them regardless. Conversely, my dad's partner has been a whole other story I won't even go into. But I've had an interesting experience with my mom's most recent boyfriend, where he tried way too hard from the beginning, and butted in to every convo I tried to have with my mom while he was there (not to mention a latent racism and sexism in his speech) and when he found out I didn't like him, took off rather than try to make it work by keeping his distance. This girl is 12. Trust me, the more respectfully you maintain your distance, while of course engaging in basic pleasantries like "hello" and "goodbye," (my dad's partner negated this pleasantry in the beginning––big no no) and keeping any door the daughter might wish to explore open, the sooner she will be more apt to accept you. But that's just my opinion based on experience.
Best of luck and wishes!
@Sononja,
It never gets better unless something major happens.
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