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Wed 8 Feb, 2017 02:16 pm
I’m a 36 year old divorced woman with three small boys 8 and under. I’ve been separated for 3 years, divorced for 2 years. My ex had an affair. I started to date a year ago once I was in a good place with my life, emotionally and financially. About 4 months ago I met someone who I really connect with. We have a great relationship. We communicate well, we treat each other with respect and do little things for each other. Our chemistry is amazing.
The problem is when I met him he said he was separated for 2+ years (not divorced yet) and his wife was not living in the house. He said they did not divorce because of financial reasons, which I completely understood at the time. He has 4 kids (two in high school, 2 older than 21). About 2 months after we started dating, his wife moved back into the house and he was going to move out. However, she has a drinking problem and the first night back she drank too much, fell and broke a few of her ribs. So he has stayed in the house, which I completely understand from his point of view. He has to do that for his kids.
My question is how long do I wait until they figure out their living situation and file for a divorce? I feel like he needs to be there for his kids, but I am not sure how much longer I can and/or should stay in this relationship with his current situation. He has met my children and they love him and I hate to continue this if he does not do anything regarding his divorce. I have not met anyone in his family or any of his friends, except one person he works with. I feel like I am thinking too much about the living/divorce situation with him, rather than what I should be focusing on (building a strong relationship and having fun). I have talked to him about the way I feel a few times, so he does know how I feel.
Aside from this, I also wonder if he even has time for a relationship. He works six days a week and coaches multiple sports teams. But he is a wonderful man and we have a great relationship…
@RelationshipGirl77,
This just sounds really suspicious to me. Have you been to the house before she moved back in? Does he ever spend the night with you?
@RelationshipGirl77,
What is your relationship with his wife and children like?
@RelationshipGirl77,
RelationshipGirl77 wrote:I have not met anyone in his family or any of his friends, except one person he works with.
oh
apparently you're not actually in a relationship with him yet
___
please keep your children away from him until you've spent some time with his wife and children - and his extended family - and his friends
@Tiger81,
I have been to his house once, but it was after she moved back in. His kids are always home and I haven't met them yet. He does spend the night with me when I don't have my kids. He does have his own separate bedroom. We face-time and I have seen it a bunch of times.
@RelationshipGirl77,
RelationshipGirl77 wrote:About 4 months ago I met someone who I really connect with.
and really ...
dating for 4 months - way too soon for you to have introduced your small children to this man
@ehBeth,
She just said children, not small, unless I missed that (which is entirely possible...)
Mine are teens and young adults but i still say my children.
@Tiger81,
She said 3 small boys, 8 and under.
It's the first sentence of her post.
@chai2,
They are young and if this relationship doesn't work I will think about that in the future. But my question is around staying or leaving... or taking a break...
@RelationshipGirl77,
Stay in what? you're dating a married man living with his wife and children. He doesn't seem to have included you in his life yet.
Keep him out of your house for now. Keep him away from your small children. If you want to keep dating him - do it in public - suggest he invite his children to join you when you go out.
If he's a decent guy just caught in an awkward situation , he'll make a move to include you in things with his children.
@RelationshipGirl77,
RelationshipGirl77 wrote: I have not met anyone in his family or any of his friends, except one person he works with.
how did he introduce you to his colleague?
___
you do realize that your entire OP was red flag after red flag, right?
Hes a classic enabler and caretaker for the sick wife. Thats the way it is. He's stuck and so are you.
There are many options that could be explored including him getting an apt and visiting the kids or put the wife in apt.
This scenario will never change, you know.
@RelationshipGirl77,
I had an ex-wife like this. She did everything she could to remain in the house after she cheated. She claimed she was too sick to move, to tired to do this or that, etc. She basically transformed into a parasite, like Peg Bundy, and eventually took a lower paying job as an excuse to stay in the house. My solution was to change all the locks and leave her clothes in the front yard after I gave her 30 days notice in writing. After that, our home was like Heaven.
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