how to prove to her you have changed...or are working on it

honoring her space is easier said than done..i dont want to go on forever like this.not knowing..i want an asnwer on whether she thinks there is a chance or if we should just end it now..this i dontknow stuff is killing me emotionally...at least if she said it was over i could deal with it and move on...this makes me feel as lost as a fart in the wind...i feel if i do too little then i will be stuck like this foerever...or if i do too much then she will just ignore me

firefightingsquid--

Remember, you are not the center of her universe--and you're just learning to be the center of your own universe.

Surely your entire being isn't submerged in this relationship. Use this transtion time/discovery time to find out more about yourself and what you enjoy doing. No matter what happens, self-discovery is never wasted.

well i have actually removed myself from the situation and sat back and looked at the relationship objectivly...and i realize this is the best thing that could have happened to me...i was unhappy for a long time...and never realized it...things she would say when i was telling her a story about something that meant something to me..about what i did at work..something that i was excited about..she would look at me and say "your talking like i care"....little things like that...which made me resentful of her and i guess that attitude showed through...which is why she accused me of being an ass...but i think the one thing i had the hardest time coming to terms with...and infact this is only the second time i have mentioned it to anyone...the first being the girl i am dating now and have opened up my past to her completly...and it is still hard to deal with a lil bit...but it is the physical abuse in the marriage..not me to her..but her towards me...i have told people about her hitting me...and they automatically assume slapping...and i never correct them...but im talking about her throwing full out punches...she would start punching and i would duck my head to protect my face and would get pummeled in the back of my head...or the throwing things, i cant count the number of items such as beer bottles, remote controls, candels, books, shoes, boots, you name it...thrown at me...and yes i did call the police one time...when she threw a big 4 wick candle..like they have at walmart...across the room at me and hit me in the back of the head...i didnt call them to press charges...just to make her leave...the police had been here after that also...not by either of us calling...and asked me to make a statement, but i would refuse...knowing if i made the written statement she would be arrested...so i would just ask them to make her leave...when she would start throwing things i would just beg her to please leave and cool down and stop throwing things at me and around the house...she would respond with another object..and a statement like "you just make me so mad"...and of course all of this with NO return from me...i just stood there and tried to get away from it...and when i would talk to her about it later she woudl tell me i just push all her buttons just right and get her so mad that she cant do anything else...and i just kinda accepted the fact that maybe i did piss her off to that point...and it was my fault she was doing this...and still do feel that to an extent...so i guess the reason i am typing all this is just to make it more real to me..i dont know...i know now that her leaving was the best thing for me...people who see me now say i havent looked this happy in a LONG time...so its good...thanks for all the support through out my rants and raves and blaming myself...

this situation reminds me of stuff my bro in law dealt with.
The assumption on most people's part is that it is the guy that does this, but that is what they call blithe.... it is often the guy, but not at all necessarily.

And, more complicatingly, most people's punches are dealing with old stuff. Not to forgive anyone, punches aren't useful.

Keep talking here, please, ff.

You've made some impressive progress--both in recognizing your unhappiness in the marriage and in starting to talk about what happened why you were unhappy.

Spousal abuse is complicated--the abused partner frequently feels that s/he triggered the abusive behavior.

Of course this isn't true. Your wife's lack of control was her doing, not yours.

Don't be surprised now that you are getting on with your life and getting used to happiness if your wife decides that she wants you back. Remember, she probably doesn't want you to be happy--she wants to look invincible in the eyes of her friends.

Hold your dominion.

last night my wife called and we talked...and she said some things and one thing was "i never knew i would meet the love of my life and it would backfire on me..."...and i told her no...i was miserable in the marriage.and i am happy now...and so forth..and she told me she wants to still be friends..i told her that we could try..i dont see it happening..but i think she wants to try and keep that last string so she can pull it whenever she wants and try to get me back or make me feel like that..or just try an make me unhappy....she found out about the girl i am dating now..and she told me..of course.."you can do better than her"...just trying to pick a lil bit more...but im not letting it get to me...and once again thanks for all the support

Re: how to prove to her you have changed...or are working on


You were married approximately nine months ago on February 14, 2004. You are only 25 years old and this was your second marriage. You bailed on your first wife because she had problems you didn't want to deal with. You also acknowledge that you were not doing right by your second wife. You demeaned her and she couldn't take it anymore. But you wanted to fix the problem and work on your relationship. That was last month. . . .

Now, a month after your wife left you -- you have a new girlfriend. I hope you have enough sense to stay single for awhile until you gain some maturity, learn how to treat a woman, and understand that marriage is a commitment that ought not be entered into lightly.

firefight--

You are starting to get your world in perspective. Good.

Being "friends" with an ex is possible--but you'll probably never be close friends. Keep on trucking.

I have been in your shoes before and I thought that all was lost also! I suffered a lot of heart ache and pain for her to see that I really did change. And now things have really matured between us! Now I am dealing with the pain again because she has just left and joined the NAVY. You cant tell her you have changed you need to show her! Best of Luck

FFIS..

Speaking as a woman that has been in her shoes..and still there to some extent. The best thing you can do is follow Sozobe's advice. That and call her.

What she has been telling you, has apparently went in one ear, and out the other. That and a lil pat on the back, a smile and some graditude would have went a long ways with her. Along with some kind words. ( I understand how fights go)

Women need to feel appreciated, loved and cared for. If you haven't made that effort on her part, its hard to except when you finally do see the light. Which I think is coming into view with you..But She'll be stingy with her emotions for fear of the rug being jerked out from underneath her. Even after 18 years of marriage on my own part, when I feel it coming on, I tend to withdraw and put that wall back up.....

So.....give her ...a phone call, some space and a time for the counseling appt, that YOU make. Go with or without her. If she doesn't show up for the first one, then give her the time for the second one.

Good luck!

Sorry ya'll, seems I started on page one, and went from there to posting.....

Awww, time to go to bed......!!

well for the advice about me not treating her right...talkign with friends...i wasnt treating her wrong...she made me feel like i was...she made me feel like it not working was my fault...people who i have talked to who knew us well all say that i wasnt doing wrong...that when i would tell her how i felt about things i wasnt talking down to her...i just assumed that she was right and i was...so this new gf actually helped me to see that...it helped me realize that im not a bad guy..that i do know how to treat women....i havent changed...i didnt need to change...i wasnt wrong...now dont take this as me saying i never make a mistake..that i do know...but the truth behind it all is i wasnt treating her wrong..i was just made to feel like that...it wasnt my fault she left..she just wanted to blame it on me...she just didnt want to be married...i should have seen that long ago when i would be at work..offshore and i would call her and she would chose to be at the bar than to talk to me..or she would rather go out with her friends than be with me...so like i said...she tried to manipulate me and she almost was able to make me go through life thinking i screwed up and it was all my fault

Good insight.

By the by, you can examine yourself and see clearly. She can't.

I agree, Noddy.