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Tue 19 Oct, 2004 08:21 pm
okay well i guess yall are in for a long post...i think the best advice comes from those who know the most...i am 25 years old..and my wife is 20...we have been dating since oct 5 2001 and got married valentines day this year...2004...this is my second marriage...my first wife and i split up because she had a mental problem..diagnosed...lol..and i couldnt handle the problems it caused..but that isnt what this is all about..so back to the story...the problem as she says is my attitude...i am a stubborn hard headed man...i have the thought process that there is one way to do something and any other way is wrong...she told me that makes her feel like she cant do anything right...i have been working on this problem of mine..and i have had success...the only problem is the success is misplaced..i have changed completely at work...no longer am i that same person..however at home i havent changed...i have gotten better...but it isnt fixed yet...im going to appollogise for the babble and the jumping of thoughts ahead of time...well now to the leaving...she was out of town for a funeral for her friend from highschool...and i went out of town to visit my old fire dept for the weekend...before i left for the weekend i told her we needed to sit down and have a long talk...and we would do that when i got home...and wrote a lil note for her saying the same...well a day later i called her...and she said she had gotten the note and we could talk when i got home...on monday...sunday afternoon i called and we talked briefly and she said the "i love you see you when you get home" stuff...well i got home on monday afternoon and she had packed up and left...she didnt leave a note telling me where she had gone or why she had gone...all her friends told me they hadnt seen or heard from her...and her brother also said the same...i have a feeling she is stayin with her brother but im not certain...he lives about 30 minutes south of me...and no her brother and i are not in the position to sit and talk...or even to be in the same room...i knew she had classes today so i went to her college to wait for her to show up...after speeding off and me following and her yelling for me to just leave her alone she finially stopped and kinda talked...before anything i asked her if she still loved me..she said yes...i asked why she left and she told me because she cant take it...i talk down to her..i act like she cant do anything right...i told her im sorry and i will change..the problem is we have fought about this before...this never started the fights but was always brought up in the bigger spats...she came back with you have said it before...you wont change...i asked if she was filing for divorce...she said something like i probably will or more than likely...she said she wasnt coming back...i suggested couselling for us..she said no because she has suggested it and i refused...however she always mentions it when we are fighting and im so worked up that i do refuse it..and she said that her leaving me and threatening me with divorce isnt what it should take for me to want the counselling and for me to really change...however if she had waiting until i came home and we had talked before she had left she would have heard me say i wanted counselling..i was not doing right by her and i wanted to fix it and work on us...so now she thinks im saying all of this just because she left...she said she isnt coming back..however it has only been 2 days since she left...how can i prove to her that i really do love her...and i want to work this trhough...that i want to change the bad things about me...im still really lost in thsi whole thing so you will all please have to forgive the choas to the formation of this post...i have realized where i was wrong..and i am seriously wanting to fix them and fix us...i really love her and she said she still loves me...how do i go from there...i have no way to contact her except her friend tricia...who she hasnt talked to since she left two days ago..so i dont know if she is going to or not...
Actions speak louder than words
Words are not enough. Only your actions/conduct can "prove" to your wife that you're going to stop doing the things that cause her unhappiness.
Visit the marriage builders website and educate yourself on how to build a happy marriage.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
Pay special attention to the "basic concepts." Share this information with your wife.
the hardest part about all of this is she refuses to talk about it with me..i have no clue where she is staying...she doesnt have a job...and she dropped out of school...she hasnt even called any of her friends..just has just disappeared...
I get so confused when I read some of the things here. You two dated for 2+ years before getting married and suddenly she has a problem with you? The problem she has with you was certainly evident prior to your marriage, so why is it suddenly an issue?
There is more going on here than just you being "stubborn and hard-headed". She knew about that before the marriage and if she could not tolerate that, then she shouldn't have gotten married. Of course, getting married at 20 may be a part of the problem. She may realize that she just was not ready for marriage and is using this as an excuse. I don't know, but I would bet there is more here than you are saying or more here than what she is telling you. It makes little sense otherwise.
Wish I had some helpful advice but I am afraid I don't. If she wants the marriage to work then she will agree to go with you to some type of counseling to get all the issues out in the open. From what you have said, it appears she is at the point of dumping the marriage. I wish you luck in resolving this.
Your wife does not seem interested in talking to you at all, let alone working things out. Her behavior is that of an abused spouse, dropping out of sight for her own safety.
Does she have any reason to fear you--physically or emotionally?
It sounds like you have an in with counseling. She may just be waiting for constancy from you on that, seeing if you're sincere about it or whether it's just one of many things you're tossing at the wall to see what sticks. I think that may be your best bet -- be sincere, be consistent, be committed to going to counseling with her. If you really want to be with her, keep saying it past when you think there's no hope.
Better yet, set it all up and go -- whether she goes with you or not. At the very least it will give you some tools to help you deal with this.
It's possible though that she's already made up her mind, and there's nothing you can do. You want to feel like you did everything you could, though, right? If so, I recommend the unflagging "yes, I really really do want to go to counseling" route.
Good luck!
no reason to fear me...i do have harsh words..but it was when we were fighting i say things i dont mean to get the upper hand...its wrong..and i see it...and i have changed that but she wont give me the chance to prove to her i have changed myself in general
Sounds like there hasn't been enough time for her to have given you a chance or not -- 3 days isn't much. If you remain steadfast, there's a chance, if you refuse to continue to say and otherwise indicate that you want to go to counseling with her, the chance is greatly reduced.
Sounds like you got yourself here, and now it's time to be patient and steadfast, and hope.
Good luck.
You also might want to give her some time and space.. And going to counseling on your own for awhile might be beneficial as well. Sometimes without the aid of an impartial party, we think we may have changed, but old habits die hard. I wish you the very best with the efforts to reconcile, but in the meantime, work on yourself instead of the "us". If she does or does not come back, either way, you have the opportunity to make yourself a better person through the counseling no matter what.
well sitting back reflecting more...and talking to her brothers gf i have come to this decision...well a lil more background first...when we would argue she would tell me she feels like she isnt good enough because i would never tell her good job..or im proud of you for doing this..or thanks i appreciate u doing that...and when she would bring this up i always said "igrew up with out that and i am just fine..you dont need to be told anything excpet when u do it wrong"...so instead of taking her needs into care and taking the extra lil bit of effort to do that i just blew it off...or she would suggest counselling i would always tell her "you dont need to take problems to someone else..they are just there to make money off people...you solve problems on your own" so i would refuse...and i would say "im not going to fight to keep you..if you want to stay stay..if you want to go go..im not going to stop you..." so she eventually got the idea that she was fighting a losing battle and only she wanted to make the marriage work...so i would see why she left..so now what i have to do is prove to her i want to do those things for her and make it different and treat her like i care...im just going to sit and wait until she calls to talk...if sheloves me then she will call...and if she thinks what i have to say is enough but isnt sure it will happen the im going to ask for a trial period to prove it to her...and if she still wants the divorce im going to give it to her
firefightinsquid wrote:im just going to sit and wait until she calls to talk...
Perhaps you could get yourself set up for some counselling while you're sitting and waiting. It sounds like you need some help learning how to be a good partner in a relationship. It doesn't always come easy.
Where's Piffka when you need her?
your right...well she called tonight...we talked for about 15 minutes...i told her why i thought she left and she said i was right...and i told her how she deserved to be treated...just putting the extra effort into telling her she did a good job and so forth...and she said it was how she had wanted to be treated...but it was too late...so i asked her if i could prove to her i could treat her that way would she come back and she told me i cant prove it...so i asked for a trial period of a month..a week...anything to show her and she told me she had been dealing with it by herself for two years...without any help from me to keep the marriage (well relationship up until the last 8 months) going...so i asked her how about she just puts off filing for the divorce and we talk..once a night..once a week...just be adults and tryand talk this out to start with...and she said she would consider it...i just had to make one promise if she was going to consider anything to try and fix our marriage..that i would sign the papers if she decided to file...that i wouldnt draw it out...i told her if i get an honest effrot to work it out from her...if she decides it isnt going to happen i will sign the papers and wish her luck in her new life...
I'm reading this tired, but it sounds right to me, re what you said, and what she said.
And good luck to you both, whether it is over or is just beginning.
ok...women confuse me...okay well we talked tonight..and this is the concluson...pretty much we got married when she was 19 and she moved in when she was 18...and her friend who is a unfaithful parting slut has convicned her she missed out on a part of life..so she said she wants to "find out what she wants" she said she isnt even thinking about filing for divorce right now..she just wants to be a normal 20 year old girl and have fun...so we are going to both be single and do what we want..and when she decides what she wants she will let me know and we will discuss getting back together...however one of us may decide to be done with it by then and thats it..., so what i got from it is she feels she missed out on the bar scene having guys hit on her and so forth and yeah...the part that really confuses me is she said "just PLEASE dont get anyone pregnant...thats all i ask of you"...like she is planning on coming back...but wants to have fun without consequences...i think she is being pretty immature..but what can i expect froma 20 year old...so i guess im going to live my life and when she says she wants to come back an start again with us ill deal with it then,..see where i am and if i want to deal with it or finish it...
A suggestion: file for divorce.
Why? I know you don't think you want it.
The reason is, it'll wake her up and make her realize that she is suggesting the end of your marriage but without the consequences, e. g. going through the process, divvying things up, getting separate places to live, etc. Yes, there are people with open marriages and if that's what you want, that's fine, but my strong impression is that this is absolutely not what you want. So file, and see if she calls your bluff.
If she goes through with it, you will be free of her and can pursue other relationships without guilt. If she doesn't, then I suggest joint counseling - the marriage still might not be salvageable. But light a fire under her butt - she wants to have her cake and eat it, too, so show her that you won't play along with that nonsense.
well i think there is more than what she is telling me...like i said..she tells me she doesnt know what she wants...she just wants to be a normal 20 year old girl...and go out and have fun and so forth...i told her she goes out to the bars with her friends now while im gone...i work offshore...2 weeks on 2 weeks off...and she said its different going out single and going out married...then she got into my email and got mad at me for sending our emails to some friends...trying to figure out what i am missing..ya know...getting a different viewpoint..and she got upset that i told people i dont care...i guess she doesnt understand that if i pretend not to care then i dont have to think about it...but if i sit and brood and think about it then i get really depressed...pretty much the only way we are communicating right now is email...i told her that i pretend not to care so i dont have to deal with the emotional hurt along with it...and told her we can make this work as long as we both work on it..not just one of us...and i told her i want to make us work..and we have to come to an agreement...either both of us work on it and see if we can fix whatever is wrong...or we decide we cant and just end it...no more playing games...no more i dont know what i want...just flat out...decide now to try and see if we can make it work..or just give up on it...so i guess the ball is in her court now...
firefightinsquid--
I'm getting the impression that your child bride wants to hold you responsible for everything unsatisfactory in the marriage and in her life outside the marriage.
Is this a responsibility you want to carry for the rest of your life?
Ah, me, I think you need a break from this obsessing.
Some perspective. She is dialing your number, and perhaps you are dialing hers.
There is a whole wide world out there without this going on.
well its been a while since i posted...and first off..she told me dont blame myself..we both made mistakes..it isnt all you...and she is still telling her friends she doesnt know if she wants to come back and make it work or not yet...essentially she is scared that i wont do the things she needs to be happy give her the praise and show the love..and will get hurt and it would have just been easier to have stayed gone...so it goes back..how do i prove to her that i can do this and want to make us work...and if she is willing to work also then we can make it
Keep honoring her space--and admiring her in her space.
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