@ehBeth,
I never stopped. He pulled away bc of the videos and started turning down sad and rolling over. When he would hold me it would only be with the headphones in. Wow writing this sounds crazy I should prob just leave him. Thanks for your reply
@castleintheclouds,
Harmless fetish. Get in on it or let it be - or leave. .
@PUNKEY,
I would be down to get in on it. I would even be down to have a 3 way or open the relarionship eventually- but you can't do stuff like that without first establishing trust. Like is this sexual abuse or am I crazy? He stopped giving me any intimacy for 2 years (we have only had sex 3 times in 2 years) except for occasionally holding me while the headphones were in at night. Now I realize there were other women involved. Even if it was just a recording. He was using MY BODY for that without consent. it would be one thing if he just did it without me but it just feels dirty. Idk, sounds like it's no big deal to most guys bc of patriarchy and rape culture enabling stuff like this to be okay because "guys have harmless fantasies and needs.) I think it's harmful when he starves me of intimacy yet he is getting his needs secretly met elsewhere. And to use my body as part of it. Idk I think I have to leave him tbh this feels wrong.
@castleintheclouds,
Anyone one else out there in the ethers with some word? Thank you
Thank you all, this has been some great info. Anyone else out there in the ethers with some knowledge? Thank you love and light
I have had a lot of time to calm down. I am thinking about staying if he gets therapy and we work on our intimacy. Am I crazy for wanting to stay?...
Update:: I talked to him, aftermath. Here is the whole story. My life is complicated. Sorry for the overshare but anyone who has any knowledge or advice is appreciated. I don't have anyone to talk to about this but my therapist. Maybe there is someone who understands out there.
So since we talked about it he has been kind and honest and has already signed up for therapy. He talked about how he was abused by his parents and he just started these habits a long time ago. I sent him some websites and he said he was ashamed and embarrassed and didn't realize how bad of a problem he had. Literally every other area of our relationship is amazing. I guess the big thing I am leaving out is that I am a cult survivor. My parents were the leaders. I was raped and sexually abused. And my amnesia wore off and I recovered memories of being abuse and the truth of my life and my parents, we moved away and went no contact with them and our entire community. That was almost 2 years ago. So this all happened right when we got married so it's been a rocky start. after I told him was when he started getting back into porn watching these videos. I was freaking out the whole first year... I still wanted to have sex and be intimate and close with him. All that stuff was mentally hard to process but I am still living life and moving forward... I've always been very indpebedent (I was the scapegoat in that family so I learned how to take care of myself.) So I know this is all TMI, but I feel bad. My husband never got any love and attention from his parents, (we bond over the fact that we had a similar strict religious upbringing and his parents were abusive too.) he told me he is just guilty and ashamed... he felt guilty asking for the real thing and he doesn't feel worthy or attractive. We talked about taking self care to the next level so we both feel more confident with ourselves (i.e. going/continuing therapists for mental health, working out, getting some new clothes to feel good in.) He said he will go to therapy twice a week. He said he loved me and we didn't come this far in our marriage for nothing... He cooks me dinner every night and has been taking care of me through this whole thing. Our sex life was amazing the first few years we got together... I just want it to go back to how it was and I know even all this crazy stuff happened that we can still do this and have a healthy marriage. It's still weird and creepy as f but he told me it was more about feeling like there was a mom or just someone taking care of him. He said it was bc he felt guilty for being sexual sometimes bc of how he was brought up and he's too nervous to come on to me and performance anxiety. Idk literally all of that makes me so sad. I get anxiety sometimes before and I know what that feels but I'm an extrovert, very open and comfortable talking type of person (Aquarius), he's introverted and a Taurus. I told him let's move forward, but that I also want the door open and to keep saving money so that I feel safe if i change my mind through this process and realize it's really time for me to go. Obviously I want to stay with him but idk. So idk what do you guys think is this bullshit? Am I crazy for staying?
