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Wed 1 Feb, 2017 01:43 pm
I have been with my lover for 7 years, married for two. In the first few years of our relationship, I discovered his porn addiction. (He watched it multiple times every day, once even when I was over in the next room.) We worked it out, he got help and we decided to watch ones we both liked together and to keep the intimacy between us- I recorded videos, took photos of myself--participated to help make it easier for him and overall he changed and it brought us a lot closer. He has been an amazing person to me overall these 7 years, I don't want to make him sound awful, but I had to reach out and ask for non biased advice because I am freaking out. After 2 years of marriage he introduces me to ASMR. At first I freak when I notice a video of an alluring girl with huge boobs looking provactive at the camera. Then I listen and it's just fingernails scratching, book pages flipping, weird sounds. He said it was relaxing, I just said "cool". I saw no problem with it and I didn't want to slut shame the girl. I'm cool with us women flaunting what we got. Later I discovered his YouTube history and saw that for months (and now I realize over a year) he has been listening to "soft touch" "personal massage" "steamy dreamy spa personal attention" "soft touch and whispered words". I watched the videos and they have a huge sexual overtone. The women act like significant others, and say things and do things that I used to do to him...They made me really uncomfortable. Especially because we barely have intimacy between us. I used to whisper him to sleep, massage him and say kind words. But now it seems he is getting it somewhere else. I have caught him falling asleep while HOLDING ME listening to these other women whisper him and give him touching and mouth sounds to sleep. How is this okay? What do you think? I haven't said anything. Am I overreacting? What do I do? I am a survivor of abuse it's important to me my relationship is honest and monogamous. Is this abusive? Is this cheating? Do you think he will change? Should I leave? Thank you so much to anyone who replies.
@centrox,
Ahhh your reply is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I am like okay, I can deal. But other moments it feels SO WRONG. Like when he's holding me listening to another woman whispering in his ear. I haven't brought I up yet because I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy on him and I wanted to do some research first.
@castleintheclouds,
So far, it looks like one vote that I should leave him. I should mention he's been a great husband otherwise everyone says he's amazing and he cooks me dinner and helps support my artwork... Idk. But these intimacy issues. I feel so scared I don't know if it's just because of my baggage from the past but it feels so wrong he does this, so right now I feel like I want to leave him too. More input would be appreciated!
@castleintheclouds,
castleintheclouds wrote:he cooks me dinner and helps support my artwork...
Keep going - maybe you can dredge up a few more reasons... he makes great margaritas, he's kind to animals, he has nice hair... BUT he is sparing with intimacy towards you and needs to get off using those creepy videos which he makes you share. We can't tell you what your priorities should be, you have to decide that, but I know what I would think and do.
@centrox,
Haha okay touché! Thank you for your reply. You're right I have to trust my gut. **** I have to leave I'm going to be strong and figure this out. Love and light <3
@castleintheclouds,
Anyone else out there experiencing anything similar or have any more opinions?
@centrox,
Thank you so much for your validation you have no idea I'm starting to feel like the crazy wife who has her husband on a leash or something, honest I'm an Aquarius, I want to be sexually free. I'm bisexual and would even consider a consensual three way. But right now it's the first few years of marriage and we are in a committed monogamous relationship. I know he would be pissed if I was falling asleep listening to "chadfeather soft mouth sounds and gentle personal attention whispers" while his arms are around me. This is so cray how is this my life.
It sounds like you want to get out and are seeking validation. Well, you got it from me. Maybe other people will say you should ride it out. It's your life. You choose.
@centrox,
Thanks. The reason why I am hesitating is because 3 years ago I escaped from a cult and my abusive parents who were the cult leaders.. Now this. Im embarrassed. I jjust want to be free and around people who treat me kindly. I feel like the only person in the world who has a heart anymore. Thank you I'm going to leave him and go find my people.
@castleintheclouds,
That's enough internet for me tonight.
I was going to suggest that you bring this up with him, thinking that there are probably couples out there who have made these sorts of things work...
Quote:...I'm going to leave him and go find my people.
But after reading this — and listening to the creepy video — you go girl!
@hightor,
Haha thanks it's so creepy I am so disturbed. I actually just went on a walk with him and asked him if he was getting intimacy from ANYTHING in the form of videos, etc. and I through ought explained what was okay and what wasn't (I didn't mention the ASMR). He got SO NERVOUS AND LIED SO HARD. Omg so yeah I want to leave. I'm still open to more comments though. He told me that if I wanted an open relationship I can have one since I'm not getting my needs met. Idk I'm so confused I'm way too young for this I'm only 26 how did I end up here.
@castleintheclouds,
Tell me why you stopped sweet talking him at night?
@PUNKEY,
because he started watching these videos. I noticed he started pulling away and refusing my advances ever since. I don't know what to do I think I might leave him.
@castleintheclouds,
I;m confused, what are these videos?
@Tiger81,
do a search — "ASMR videos" (NSFW)
@castleintheclouds,
castleintheclouds wrote:
The women act like significant others, and say things and do things that I used to do to him...
I used to whisper him to sleep, massage him and say kind words.
it seems you stopped doing those things before he started seeking them out on the internet
__
why did you stop?
have you considered restarting?
@hightor,
I'm at work, that's why I asked
@Tiger81,
@Tiger81,
The videos are where women pretend like they are in bed with you and use these legit microphones that capture the sound of EVERYTHING- like the sheets moving around. So he listens to massage sounds, mouth sounds, tickling sounds- women whispering sweet nothing in his ears. These are the types of things people usually do with consent from their significant other- or while they are not in a relationship. There are some ASMR videos that are just weird sounds like book pages flapping and stuff like that but he is specifically watching the role play girlfriend experience types of asmr. I realized he was doing it while falling a sleeping holding and caressing me. I looked it up and sexual abuse/molestation is any unwanted sexual act. I think this counts because I didn't give consent or know that while he was caressing me and holding me at night he was listening to role play ASMR on YouTube. I thought he was just listening to music to fall asleep to. Not other women.
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