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Boyfriend emotionally cheated! Im broken!!

 
 
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 08:53 am
My boyfriend "emotionally" cheated on me for 7 months of our relationship, i hacked his POF account and there were some gorgeous girls on there from his home town i feel so ugly compared to them. He messaged/sexted and sent rude pictures to loads of other woman too, said he wanted to meet for sex (he never did that though i know that) he said hes sorry and it was the worst decision he ever made was doing it, he's realized how much i mean to him and doesn't want to loose me! anyway now i am so self conscious about my appearance and the way i look. He called those other woman sexy and beautiful and hot but when he says it to me i dont believe him because he said those other girl were the same. I think im too ugly for him that he thinks he can do better, im not skinny enough nor pretty enough (im even really jealous of his ex who he has a child with because she's stunning and i think he still fancies her) im having problems with hair loss at the moment and i think he will leave me because of it. what the hell is wrong with me?
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 10:06 am
How old is he? (not that it matters, Ii'm just curious)

It's easy to be risky and frisky on line. So he's acting out fantasies or being male-emboldened by all this dirty talk. Those are not REAL people and - as you say - he's not acting on this in his real life. Maybe he's doing it to get more horny for you.

He got caught. So now you can decide if this is something that he does for recreation and fantasy or if it affects the relationship. A lot of people think there's nothing wrong with what he's doing.

It seems to really bother you. Learn to laugh at it. After all, what's a dog supposed to do if he catches the car he's chasing?
0 Replies
 
melanie83
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 10:14 am
He's 33. These ARE real people he's talking to. Some from his hometown but i dont think he knows them in person just that they come from the same area. he keeps saying it over and over again that he will never do this again to me but im findingf it hard to belive and trust him even though i really want to. he is getting annoyed with me that i bring it up all the time Sad what should i di
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 10:16 am
@melanie83,
You don't trust him.
He finds you annoying.

Why does either of you want to be in a relationship with each other?

Seriously.
0 Replies
 
melanie83
 
  0  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 10:22 am
Because i love him, he only finds me annoying when i mention the cheating and he says he is truley so sorry for what he did. I just need to get over it but at the moment i cant and im scared he will do it again. what would you do?
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 10:30 am
@melanie83,
You hacked the POF account of someone you love?
Someone you love had an active POF account after you were in a relationship?

You do understand that's a mess, right. It's not a healthy relationship for either of you.

Time to consider why you put up with the disrespect.

Talk to a professional therapist/counsellor.

Get into a healthier relationship.


do NOT hack other people's accounts ( that would have been the deal breaker for me )
0 Replies
 
melanie83
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 10:36 am
if i think he's playing away ill investigate! and i didnt hack it, it was actually on an ipad he left the history and stuff on there
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 10:59 am
@melanie83,
melanie83 wrote:
it was actually on an ipad he left the history and stuff on there


that's not a good reason to have looked at it

it's not
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 11:00 am
@melanie83,
melanie83 wrote:

if i think he's playing away ill investigate!


if you don't trust him, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. it's not healthy for either of you

an exclamation mark doesn't make it any more acceptable
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 11:03 am
@melanie83,
melanie83 wrote:
i hacked his POF account and there were some gorgeous girls on there

He messaged/sexted and sent rude pictures to loads of other woman too

said he wanted to meet for sex


you spent too much time (more than turning it off/over) looking at what he was doing

you either trust him or you don't

if you trust him, you don't look at his stuff

___

He was doing things he shouldn't have. You did something you shouldn't have.

It doesn't make it even.

It means you've both messed up.

__

Talk to a therapist - get yourself prepared to be in a healthy relationship.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  0  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 01:09 pm
@melanie83,
Are these professionals - or local housewives or women he could arrange to take out?

Is this a site that he pays money to visit?

0 Replies
 
centrox
 
  2  
Reply Tue 24 Jan, 2017 01:53 pm
Melanie83, listen to ehBeth, she is right on the button.
0 Replies
 
melanie83
 
  1  
Reply Wed 25 Jan, 2017 09:11 am
He doesnt pay, he had an active POF account and was on FB and mingle2. dating sites mostly. he says he's sorry and wont do it again, im just so scared of being hurt again
0 Replies
 
megs470
 
  1  
Reply Wed 25 Jan, 2017 11:00 am
@melanie83,
Emotional cheating sure does hurt. I am so sorry to read this (I just posted related issue w my husband of 22 yrs (13 wedded).... If he says you are beautiful then believe him for one. BUT: why are he & his ex apart? Did he cheat on her too? I don't think it has anything to do with anyone's looks. Its a problem with him needing validation. You ARE beautiful & you deserve so much better.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 25 Jan, 2017 03:44 pm
@melanie83,
According to the wisdom on this site, if you look at your partners phone or laptop, you're a messed up, untrusting, evil person (if you read through this site, you will get that gist). You'll see that in the badgering you received, while the issues most affecting you - your self esteem issues, and his behaviour were given just a comparative look over.

Personally, I don't think anyone who messaged/sexted and sent rude pictures to loads of other woman too, said he wanted to meet for sex has not cheated, for a number of reasons:
- Many wouldn't keep talking with him if his advances weren't welcome, nor if they said yes and he didn't follow through
- he has directly said he wan't sex with them...why would he say that if he wasn't prepared to carry through?
- the drive associated with doing that with multiple women, almost always means he isn't satisfied with monogamy / will sleep around

There are always exceptions, but the likelihood of him being an exception seems extremely low to me.

That said, your post also showed some self esteem issues. Simplified, Self esteem (knowing who you are, what you think of yourself as a person, what value you place in yourself) enhances happiness and relationship when high, or undermines happiness and relationships when low. More specifically, it affects: your trust, your fears, how you handle conflict, how you deal with put downs, how you handle adversity, your empathy increases, your desire for others wellbeing increases, you start recognising when you're being used, you start finding that balance etc

Quote:
there were some gorgeous girls on there from his home town i feel so ugly compared to them
See yourself for who you are. There are so many different features of a women that men consider beautiful / find attractive. You no doubt possess many that men find attractive (as different men are attracted to different things about a woman). There is also beauty in personality. And at a deeper level, there is beauty in character (if you marry a beautiful woman with a lively personality but an ugly character - you are in for a lifetime of hurt, or an early divorce)

Quote:
I think im too ugly for him that he thinks he can do better, im not skinny enough nor pretty enough
These sort of things are emotional abusive. Many men with low self esteem engage in this sort of behaviour to lower their partners self esteem (otherwise worded 'to keep their woman at home' / 'to keep their woman under control'), even while they play the field to boost their ego (not self esteem)

Quote:
he said hes sorry and it was the worst decision he ever made was doing it, he's realized how much i mean to him and doesn't want to loose me!
Compare this statement, to the quote above / what he said after you looked like you were going to walk out / to what he constantly says. They are poles apart. If you stay, he will eventually drift back to what he used to say (once he knows you are back under his control)

Quote:
what the hell is wrong with me?


You are with a man with low self esteem. He (likely subconsciously) ensures your self esteem is lower than his. If you think back through your history, you will realise that whenever you tried to assert your beliefs & values (ones that would boost your self esteem to a level near, or above his)....he will have made sure that you were undermined.

As a personal observation, excepting :
- men who have high self esteem; and
- men who are working towards high self esteem / self esteem has true value to them
...other men subconsciously either choose a partner whose self esteem is lower than theirs, or once they have their chosen (higher self-esteem) partner, they undermine their partners self esteem until it is lower than their own.

This is an ugly observation, but unfortunately, I have rarely seen it to be not true (I cant actually think of a time it hasn't been true, but maybe). My guess is that it has something to do with genetics.

Hope it helps some.
0 Replies
 
Peg44
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Jan, 2017 10:13 pm
@melanie83,
I have been in this situation so I understand how you feel. Mine was on sex website (sexting these women), texting other "friends" (and deleting them without me knowing, etc). I found hidden picture folder in his phone, etc. I was devastated (we had been dating 3 years and were recently engaged). Someone had told me he was flirting with his ex wife so I actually went through his phone looking for that and found a lot more than I bargained for. I disagree with the other replies- if you found past history of him on POF or anything else on your iPad- you had EVERY right to find out what was going on. In this day in age- too much technology leads to it being too easy for this to happen and since it's your life he was messing with, I think you did what you needed to do.

When I confronted him he apologized but was very defensive. I broke up with him and walked out. I felt like I wasn't good enough (why else would he go to those women, etc). 3 weeks later he contacted me a again with a very sincere apology and told me he was going to counseling for sexual addiction. I had everything I wanted to know that he had never met any of these women I had everything I wanted to know that he had never met any of these women in person (but there was a lot of emotional cheating). He asked me if I would go with him after he had gone a few times. I said no at first and then finally went a few times. Hated the counselor and walked out. We found a new counselor, started going to church and started the long journey to rebuild trust.
His phone, computer, etc is always open to me. Yes, I have even run programs on it to retrieve deleted text. I am sure many people are going to say if you have to live like this and you shouldn't be the relationship Those people have never been through it. Now my fiancé was willing to go to counseling and give me full access to everything..... if he hasn't it would have never worked out. It's been 2 years and I've finally began to truly trust him again. It's been a long road but he's made big changes and we have grown as a couple. I do not check his phone or computer nearly as often (maybe once every 2-3 months), but I do it from time to time for my peace of mind.
I held off the engagement and we are now tentatively planning it for next year. He knows I may always have trust issues and he knows he caused that. I don't ask him about it or make comments about it anymore (We feel it's better if I just check the phone/ computer at times and not bring it up). Without him giving me full access, going to the counselor, and a fiancé who gave me time to work through it, it wouldn't have worked. If yours won't do this, he isn't willing to do what it takes to keep you. I think just about any man is susceptible to this (women too) and unfortunately we have to hold our partner accountable. He has full access to my phone as well and I don't keep secrets from him. That's how I want my relationship to work. I do understand your pain and self doubt. Been there- but luckily 2 years later it's getting better. Good luck.
0 Replies
 
Iouman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 Feb, 2017 04:43 pm
@melanie83,
Time to show him the door.
0 Replies
 
 

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