She betrayed Me

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My g/f of 6 years has just told me she had sex with another guy (well call it sex ill explain, 2 years ago i found out she was texting and chatting to another guy who at the time she said it was someone of the internet however about 3 months ago she finally told me it was someone who used to work in the lacal shops and she said nothing had happened just texting and chatting.

And now a WEEK ago she finally admitted she had sex with him once in his car (how sleazy is that espeically when i was looking after our daughter who was 1 at the time.) when i say sex this is what she told me they were just chatting in his car (she said from the start she just wanted to be freinds.) and about 10-15 mins later he tried to kiss her and she turned her head away and said she could'nt and he said it was ok and started to climb on top of her she admitted she wanted it for that split second, anyway he lifted her skirt up and pulled her knickers to one side and put it in and then so she said she told him to GET OFF he didnt listen or heard her so she told him again to get the F***K OFF her and he did then she ran out of his car to the nearest toilets and she was sick and she said she felt dirty, apart from the above problem and feeling sick to the stomach everytime i think about it how do i beleive her this time what really happened when she hasnt been truthfull in the past. oh and in case ure wondering the other guy is history because apparently she wouldnt have anything to do with him after that night.

any advice would be helpfull

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No means no, plain and simple, even if for a brief second she thought she "wanted it". She was raped, my friend, and will really need your support here. Has she filed a formal complaint yet? Did she get a rape test after the incident? Many women do not, sadly, due to extremely conflicting emotions about the event, including the feeling that it is somehow "their fault".

All couples go through hiccups in their relationships, so she chatted for a bit. It is very possible that it took her so long to tell you what really happened because she was traumatized, and figured you would think of her as a dirty whore. This reads like a textbook reaction to rape to me. Cool your jets and trust her. She needs you right now. There is no harm in giving her the benefit of the doubt.

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She said it wasnt rape
I asked her if it was rape and she said no cause he wasnt forcefull and he did finally get off her, apparently hes done this before to girls whos in relationships he sweet talks them, they think hes got a great personality and thats all he has bacause ive spoken to people who seen him and he aint good looking and my g/f has even said she was attracted to his personality and he wasnt better looking than me and she regrets even exchanging numbers with him

by the way there is an age difference im 32 and shes 21, but it wasnt the age because this bloke was 35

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I'm not sure how the laws work where you are, but here, if she said "no" at any time it is still rape. If he has done this to other girls, he may be a serial rapist, and should be reported. You mention that she was attracted to his personality. Rapists are predators. They cultivate a personality to get what they want. Bottom line, she said no, he continued, as she had to tell him at least twice, according to your post. It doesn't matter if he finally got off of her. It's still legally rape.

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Cavfancier has given you good advice. Given the trauma that accompanies rape, it is hardly surprising that your gf couldn't bring herself to tell you about it right away. If you truly love her the appropriate response now will be to support her and not re-traumatize her re: this situation. She is the one who has to decide if a police report is appropriate; you need to support her with whatever decision she makes and not rake her over the coals because she didn't tell you right away. And remember, rape is NEVER the victim's "fault"--don't blame her, blame the creep who preyed on her.

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the events that she has described sound like the natural response of many women, nothing fishy about it. It also does not sound like the natural way for a woman who was lying to describe what happened. so I don't think you have any reason to doubt her about what really happened.

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Cav is right. No means no, even if she is in the middle of the act and says no. If he doesn't stop, he is raping her. I can see right now that your girlfriend is feeling that it was her fault, which as Cav pointed out is a commen conception of rape survivors. Rapists are often very nice, good looking guys who gain the trust of their victims and then proceed to take what they think is rightfully theirs. Rapists are not always slimy looking criminals. They are the guy sitting next to you on the bus with the nice smile. 1 in 4 women are sexually assulted in their lifetime. That means rape, unwanted touches, sexual harrassment, etc. 1 in 4 is a pretty big number. I wouldn't doubt her for a second.

She needs you now more than ever. If the internet thing still bothers you, talk about it after she has learned to deal and live with this incident. I don't say "get over" because you never get over (nor should you have to) a traumatic situation. You just learn to live with it better.

I would also highly suggest a police report. Even if there are no charges pressed, it might help someone else in the future. If he did it to her, he has probably done it before and will again.

I wish you the best of luck. Rape affects not only the survivor but also those who love them.

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My wife was raped when she was 13. It wasn't violent either, but it was rape becasue she didn't want to. She eventually told her parents who totaly flipped out and didn't understand. Her dad called her a whore becasue he couldn't understand how she could let it happen.

Your girlfriend did not have sex with this guy and was worried that you would have the same reaction my wifes father did. She doesn't need you confronting her about her indiscretions... she needs your support.

Yes she put herself in that position and yes for one second she thought she wanted to but in the end she decided NO. That is what matters.

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You where 26 when you started dating a 15 year old? WTF Did I do that math right?

"My g/f of 6 years" "by the way there is an age difference im 32 and shes 21"

Am I the only one who caught that?

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Good catch Runamuck... I didn't notice that one.

So DaveNTracey... 26 and 15?

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Little scary huh...

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Are you asking whether I believe she was raped or whether or not she is being honest about the story.

If you're asking the first, I do think she may not have wanted to go all the way.

If you're asking if I would believe her story, no. It would be more believeable that at her age, and seems like her experience with older guys, she enjoys putting herself in these situations and likes being a man to take control. I think the entire story sounds fishy.

Who sits around in a car to talk to a "Friend" with no "hope" that he/she may make the next move?

He was able to get FULLY on top of her "in a car" at that or did they conveniently move to the back seat? Do friends normally end up in that position? He then was able to lift her skirt up that either had to be extremely loose and short or she had to lift her butt up for him, spread her legs open, all w/o force by him? ...sounds like it was more than a brief seconds she contemplated it.

Sounds to me like she was making out w/the guy, it went to far, and she then decided to say no. After a night of sleeping on it, she decided she better stay away from him b/c he'll make her go farther than she's comfortable with.

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It's people like you Joa who make rape survivors not want to tell.

Makes me very very sad.

No one asks for it. Never. No exceptions. I don't care if she was naked and rubbing herself all over him. It doesn't matter. NO ONE ASKS TO BE RAPED and for you to imply that she wanted it...makes me ill.

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You are taking this WAY too personal. He asked if I (I, being the general board) believed her story.

I didn't say I believed she was/was not raped. I didn't think that was the complete question being asked. So, I ignored that part. This is why I was asking for clarification.

Almost sounded like he was trying to believe himself whether she put herself in the situation with intent to go somewhere with him (not necessarily sex) or if she truly didn't want anything romantic to happen.

In which case, I was simply saying it DOES sound like she had interest in the guy/romantic involvement (intent) if that's what he's stressed over.

The thread didn't come off as "did she or did she not get raped. I am worried just her mental health/state."

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...and I did not imply anywhere she wanted to be raped. I implied she wanted/and was making out with the guy and CLEARLY stated may not have wanted to go further.

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Pehaps there's a reason I took it personally.

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A little harsh Kristie, I admire your intelligence and moral values but if you're trying to help jo find her empowerment you're going about it in a shrill way. And it's not the first time either.
I agree with you completely but I understand that Jo has been raised in a different moral environment. (I hope that's not assuming jo)
A little less vinegar IMHO.

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I'm sorry. I missed your last post.

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Runamuck wrote:

You where 26 when you started dating a 15 year old? WTF Did I do that math right?

"My g/f of 6 years" "by the way there is an age difference im 32 and shes 21"

Am I the only one who caught that?

its 6 years in next april (she was 16) i was 27 and just for the record she chased me

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I wish I had...I am terribly saddened Kristie

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She betrayed Me

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