Ménage a trois - or actually 4 - what should I do

Okay so even writing that title just made me realize how confused I really am.

First a little background info: I am in my mid-twenties, and from the age of 17-24 I was in a relationship with a guy who I thought I was going to marry. My family loved him, and so did I. But I have always had issues with jealousy, and in the end this broke us apart because he was tired of me not trusting him. It took me about a year to bounce back from the heartache, and to be honest I was going through so much pain that at one point I thought I wouldn't survive it. The reason for this is also partly due to the fact that this was the first time I had to be alone, and at the same time my adoptive family alienated me, so I felt like everything was taken from me in a split second. I bounced back, and now I am stronger than ever, and I finally started getting the selfconfidence and independence I never had with my ex, which makes me think that I will be able to handle jealousy better in another relationship. HOWEVER, I am so excited about being single (at least most of the time) and I feel like it makes it so much easier to focus on my own goals in life.

But like everyone else, once in a while I get lonely and I miss having someone to love. Also I am not a big fan of casual relationships or one night stands. Furthermore I live in a flat with two guys, one of which I had a huge crush on for a long time when I moved in (right after me and my ex broke up) and now he has a girlfriend who is around all the time, which constantly reminds me how it feels to have someone to love.

So my struggle is that the rational part of me wants to stay single because I will be able to do all the things I wanted to do when I was in a relationship, like travel and be more open to meet new people, which I know will be limited if I am in a relationship.

I have been trying the casual thing a couple of times, but I always end up crushing on the guy after a while, then I panic, and I run away.

But one thing has been stable for many years, and that is my good friend P, who I already knew when I was with my ex, and he was always the "what if guy" but at the same time also sort of a father figure for me.

Around 6 months after the breakup, me and P started hanging out more often, meeting for casual coffee's and beers, as friends. But one night, he ended up staying at my place, and he sort of made a move, which confused me since I thought he was just spending the night as a friend. Some weeks went by where we spoke less, and then we started hanging out as normal again. Suddenly I began to see him in a different light, and since I knew he was sort of interested, I started flirting with him when we were together. 6 months went by, and nothing more happened, until it was New Year's Eve and P saved my ass when a good friend of mine stood me up 30 minutes before midnight, and P invited me to come meet him and a friend by a harbor and watch the fireworks. On the way there I was super excited and thought, maybe this was the night I should tell him how I feel, and everything was great (including the bottle of champagne we finished in 5 minutes) until P got a Skype call from a girl. I asked his other friend who P was talking to, and to my surprise it was his GIRLFRIEND.

The rest of the night was basically a nightmare, where P's friend was hitting on me and I was feeling depressed about feeling so alone and spending the first new years without a boyfriend, feeling like an idiot. (P kept talking to his GF in front of me, and even made me Skype with her).

Fast forward, I moved on, and me and P continued going out as friends (while I was casually hiding my feelings). One night, P introduced me to his friend V, who I thought was one of the most annoying human beings I have ever met. V complained all evening about me smoking and the fact that I was wearing a ring on the right hand, which he thought was ridiculous when I was not married (note; we are from two different countries so we had different opinions on that). The evening continued and a female friend of P also joined, who happened to be a girl who was dating one of my best friends, so I already felt like I knew her, and we instantly hit it off. (Let's call her M - I will get back to her later)

The weekend after, I randomly met P's friend V when I was out, and we went to a club where he caught me by surprise and started kissing me. At first I thought "what the hell does he think he is doing", but my drunk brain somehow filtered that into "wow this is kind of nice!" - long story short, I started to see him casually. One night I met with V and P, and apparently P and his girlfriend broke up that night, and I was annoyed with V, so at that moment I was just wishing that P didn't know about me and V, but he did. Eventually the same thing happened as usual, I could not do the casual thing, and I didn't like the way V was treating me like a girlfriend when we were alone, but then he got distant as soon as he was on his own. I ended it 3 months after it started, and by then P was back with his girlfriend.

I didn't see P very much after I was with his friend V, but I kept pushing for it because I missed seeing him. One day I met P randomly and I asked him how it was going with his girlfriend, and he told me that they broke up again, for good.

But at that point I wasn't feeling too keen on seeing anyone and I felt that it was too messed up. But we gradually started to seeing each other (as friends) again, and the flirting started again.

One night P and I met up when we were both out, and we had so much fun, but at that point I just met a guy that I started seeing (who was going to leave in a month), so I was very confused. P ended up at my place, and we were laughing until 7 in the morning, but nothing else happened. I figured that maybe we both felt that there was too much pressure on the situation.

A couple of weeks after, i was using tinder and I matched with another of P's friends, D, who I met once 6 years ago when I was with my ex. I thought about him many times, so I was sort of hoping that I would run into him, but this time, modern technology did the trick. I was super happy and excited when the conversation was so easy and he instantly asked me to go out with him because he also thought about me ever since we met. However I felt a bit bad about it, since I still felt strange about me and P's relationship. Furthermore, P's female friend M had at several occasions mentioned that she was into D, and I did t mention that I actually felt the same.

So now I feel lost. Should I go on a date with D or not?

And P and I also talked about traveling to one of our common friends for New Years, but can I do that if I am seeing ANOTHER of his friends? I smell drama already, and I really don't want to hurt P, but nothing ever seems to happen with us.

And the biggest dilemma of all, why am I even spending time thinking about this when I am not even sure I want to be in a relationship (note: rational decision=no thanks).

I am so confused and I feel so bad about the situation.

So, what do you guys think?

And please don't judge me too hard, I am already doing that plenty myself.