Internet Porn...is it normal for men?

Thanks for everyone's input. I agree that the problem isn't totally the porn. Yes, there is a trust issue or I wouldn't have felt compelled to check the Internet History. In my defense, it's not like I just woke up one morning and decided to see if the Mr. was downloading porn. It's a computer that we both use at times and when I googled something, I saw the search string that he used to find the porn. Anyway, I agree, I should not have snooped. And I agree, we probably need counseling.

My problem with the porn is not "the porn"...it is that I clearly told him that I wasn't comfortable with him downloading porn. Why wasn't I comfortable? Well, occasionally our adult children use that computer. I was (and still am) worried about the legality of all of these sites. And my husband spends 14-18 hours in that computer room (he is a work at home programmer).

Those were the reasons I didn't want him using Internet Porn. Now the reasons are that he hides it (not that well) and that he has cited my "not dressing sexy enough" as a problem in our marriage. Well, if he weren't watching "Debbie does Dallas" ...would he be telling me I should be dressing different than I have been our entire marriage? Why should I have to change what I do/how I dress just because he gets these ideas from the Internet?

Like I said, I'm not a prude. I do think that porn can be used to spice up a sex life. But Internet porn is a "one-user" activity. So, I don't agree that Internet Porn is not a problem. If it were not a problem we wouldn't see so many women posting like I did.

Shay, I agree with you. You sound rational and objective. And dammit, if you're not comfortable with internet porn I don't see why you have to "become" comfortable with it.

Shay, I agree that you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're on your way to figuring this one out. Good luck with counselling, I agree that's the way to go.

In terms of the larger question, I'm saying that while Internet porn CAN of course be a problem, it doesn't have some innate problematic quality that makes it ALWAYS a problem. There are situations surrounding it that make it more or less a problem.

My husband is allergic to cats. I LOVE cats. I have had to become comfortable with the fact that he's allergic to cats because he has enough other great qualities that, on the balance, I wanted to marry him regardless.

If shay feels strongly enough about internet porn being a problem, at all times, and her husband refuses to compromise, they may have to go separate ways. Hopefully they can reach a compromise that satisfies them both.

soz darling...apples and oranges

I don't think so.

I'm getting kind of meta on shay, apologies, but if porn was always the problem, then how would you react to something like, "I know my husband loves porn, but I can't stand it, and I told him, and he said he stopped, and I snooped, and I didn't find anything, and I snooped some more, and I didn't find anything, and then I went into his private password protected files which I had to snoop into his email account to get his password and then I found a nudie pic! I was so upset! I yelled at him for 4 hours and he seems a little sorry but not sorry enough..."

I think it's much more often a symptom than the problem in and of itself. What it's a symptom OF varies, with varying blame going to the wife or the husband. In some situations, the husband's a cad, in some situations, the wife is a harpy. But I still don't think there can be some pure formulation of porn is always wrong and the guy looking at it is always wrong.

Not to get the last word...but I gotta start dinner Soz, but with the thread title being: 'Internet Porn-Is It Normal? and with shay being married I would say no, it is not normal. It's not normal and Shay should not have to change her dislike of it.

Soz got it.

I think we've seen examples veering towards either scenario come up enough in the by now many threads here about the topic ... and it's the cad/harpy meta-thing that many of us respond to, more than the actual porn issue. Me, for one - for example - would be pretty much turned off by a gf who turned out to be into Debby/Derrick Does Dallas kinds of stuff - but in these threads I've been coming out on the other side of the argument, mainly because of the meta-issues that seem to massively come along with the topic regarding what one can demand of each other / should leave to each other.

Guys like porn.

It is fast becoming California's top movie making industry.

That is why it is a multi-billion dollar enterprise.

It will never go away...and any time spent by any wife worrying about her partner enjoying it...is wasted time.

Just get past it.

Good post, sozobe!

okay....now THAT'S a trust issue It's not what happened here though.

What does "meta" mean?

Meta means discussing how we discuss the discussion... heh...

Dictionary definition:



Oh and not saying that's what happened here -- in the meta part of the discussion, talking about some of the OTHER porn discussions here.

I don't know if it's meta or beta or whatta, but I am more interested in the issue of changing a partner's behavior than I am in the precise issue of porn watching in a marriage, or non marriage, for that matter.

I think liking some porn is normal for at least some men and some women.
Might even be more normal than not liking it.
A lot of porn and a withdrawal from partner - or because of withdrawal by the partner, then I see it as a symptom of some closing out re the relationship.

Giving it up for a partner who says that's immoral.. eh? One should look to one's own conscience, one's own morality, even within a marriage, in my opinion. If you don't like your partner's moral stance on anything, you have to figure out if you want to leave or not, because of that moral stance, whatever the subject of it, porn or anything else.

Giving porn up for a partner who says she (usually she) wants all of your sexual attention as long as you are married to her... I am not personally sure one owes all one's attentions of thought to the other, how very possessive and, to me, stifleing.

On lying about it and being sneaky, I see that as a childlike action. Whether it is discovered or not, it's a demeaning way to go around in your own home. And the female partner (usually) becomes the angry embittered mom figure. On snooping, I understand the drive to do that, especially if you have come to some understanding, but still, it is not your business. Your mutual relationship is your business.
I don't really think the porn watching is what is causing a difficulty so much that an addictive amount of it may be symptom of a need to escape.

People do change with new insights, and maybe the porn loving partner will learn to genuinely think of it as a kind of escapism he (usually) wants to steer away from, at least from addictive involvement, or maybe the porn shunning partner may grow to understand that it isn't a threat in a loving situation.

I dunno. But demands on behavior bother me to hear about now.
A partner isn't your child. Partners are for talking to about what's going on.

Just to throw in some basic stastical data on "Is it normal?"; 19% of all Internet traffic is to porn sites and only 48% of all Internet traffic is generated by male users (women have exceeded men in Internet use since 2000).

I think it's a fair assumption to say that men are more likely to visit porn sites than women and I'd guess 80%-90% of the porn traffic is generated by men. If that's true then roughly 45% of the men using the Internet visit (or have visited) porn sites. If "normal" is defined by a standard of what others commonly do (or don't do) then yeah, I'd have to say it's fairly normal.

Virtually every human being is the result of some horny guy slobbering over a nude woman. If it were not for nude women the human race would cease to exist. Isn't that as normal as you can get?

The point everyone is trying to make (I think...) is that there are issues within this relationship that need to be dealt with. Perhaps shay becomes ok with the porn once in a while after the air has been cleared and the counseling has helped them work out any trust issues. Perhaps the hubby realizes that he is hurting his wife and stops. You two are the only ones who can write the end. The major issue here is not porn. Men like naked women. This is an undeniable fact, as we are just animals. Women like naked men. No stopping that and it is a good thing or as Nick said, we'd all be extinct. However, a man can control his urges, unlike many other animals and that is the point here. He is making a decision to continue with the porn. He probably thinks that you don't know and that by you not knowing it can't hurt you *which in theory is true*. So you need to come clean and tell him that you know and that it is time he came clean. This situation needs a new start, a fresh one without any lies or secrets. Counseling may help you figure out why you don't trust him and why he feels the need for porn. He may just find it exciting, just as some people find spanking or bondage exciting. If you like spanking and your partner doesn't, do you spank them anyway during sex? Probably not, or you wouldn't be getting much sex. And just like those people in relationships, he'll need to decide how important porn is in his life. Just my humble opinion though. :wink:

And with your humble opinion kristie I'll add mine. I think shay got a whole lot of thoughtful opinions and advice on this thread. The level of participation in this forum never ceases to amaze me.

I did get a lot of very thoughtful and wise opinions. Thanks to all of you...Kristie, youu last post was really good. When I logged on and started the thread a few days ago, II was confused. I was focusing on the secret porn use as proof my marriage was in the dumpster. Now I know that it's no more proof than the fact that we haven't said "I love you" in years or all the other crap we have going on in our marriage. They are all symptoms of a declining relationship (for me anyway). Now I just have to figure out of the "good" things outweigh the bad things for me. I appreciate all of you - you helped me put this is perspective. Shay

You're welcome!

And feel welcome to check out a2k's other forums, there's a pretty neat group of people here.

Shay,
You are very welcome. Sometimes we know what the answer is but it just takes someone else who isn't emotionally involved to say it. I wish you all the best luck in whatever you decide to do. You sound like an intelligent and resoursful woman. Good luck!

No kidding! This site is amazing! So much to learn and so well organinzed. I think I just might be addicted. Let Mr. Shay stay in that computer room watching "Debbie" :wink: (jk)...I'm busy learning about religion and language and countries. I'm a happy camper