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Fri 8 Oct, 2004 02:24 pm
Okay, here's the thing. I've been married for over ten years. I recently looked (okay, snooped...I admit it) on my husbands computer. Internet porn. Downloaded movies. Not just once but a lot of times. A long time ago when my husband showed me how easy it is to get internet porn movies, I told him I wasn't comfortable with him accessing them. Our sex life is a big issue in the marriage. For a lot of reasons (unresolved fights, my health, his weight gain, the fact we haven't said "I love you" in years...the list goes on) I just don't feel all that interested in it. But it's a rare occasion that I actually say no to it. He seems satisfied when we have it but I have a hard time pretending anymore.
So, should I tell him I snooped? Maybe the focus on sex in our marital arguments is about the porn he watches and not about the difference between men and women as he keep telling me. I'm not a prude...really. I have watched porn before and it helped our sex life. Now it just grosses me out...but maybe that's because he is hiding in his computer room to watch it and then coming to bed and telling me I don't dress sexy enough?
Opinions anyone?
My opinion is that the porn is not the problem here. There is something much deeper. The fact that you have unresolved fights, body image issues and haven't said "I love you" in years might be the reason he is resorting to porn. And maybe he is looking for reasons to fight with you (coming into the bed room and saying you don't dress sexy enough) because he doesn't know what else to do.
A therapist is what I suggest. Porm is only destructive when one party is not ok with it. He obviously doesn't want to hurt you or he'd be more open about it. But he knows you don't want to be having sex with him. He isn't stupid. He is doing what he knows will work. Again, therapy. Good luck.
Kristie's a smart one...I'd listen to her.
Kristie wrote:My opinion is that the porn is not the problem here. There is something much deeper. The fact that you have unresolved fights, body image issues and haven't said "I love you" in years might be the reason he is resorting to porn. And maybe he is looking for reasons to fight with you (coming into the bed room and saying you don't dress sexy enough) because he doesn't know what else to do.
A therapist is what I suggest. Porm is only destructive when one party is not ok with it. He obviously doesn't want to hurt you or he'd be more open about it. But he knows you don't want to be having sex with him. He isn't stupid. He is doing what he knows will work. Again, therapy. Good luck.
Kristie is a PlayBoy Bunny. She knows.
I've been roundly booed on this forum for my belief that porn is a big problem. And it's a problem primarily for women. I've seen two dozen posts from women and nary a one from a man.
At the same time let me add that snooping is a trust issue so it seems that it behooves you two to get some counseling and try and figure out how to get your healthy marriage back.
Better porn then the neighbor.
Also you need to figure out why you don't like sex with him anymore and resolve that. Us men are not as unsensative as you think. If you seem uninterested it doesn't it make it as gratifying no matter how many times you have it. Does he repulse you now? Are your emotions attached to how you feel about sex? Some woman a good majority dont have good sex unless there emotions are just right. Some can get off and have great sex no matter what.
Some guys me included enjoy a womans sexual satisfaction as much as our own, so if this isn't happening then that might be playing a part as well.
I would start with resolving some issues and not by yourselves. You will never feel the other side is listening to your needs. Get a counselor to examine both sides and maybe he/she can help with the sexual problems too. Need to start communicating and dont do it in a hostile way, talk about it and make compromises on both sides. Nobody is ever going to be perfect for you.
Sex is 90% of a marriage when there is problems and 10% when there isn't. Funny how that works out isnt it.
Runamuck wrote:
Sex is 90% of a marriage when there is problems and 10% when there isn't. Funny how that works out isnt it.
Great point...and so true!
Yes it is. You cannot change men. They are all asses. and always will be.. hahaha.
Hey sugargirl, welcome to A2K
haha.. hey. lol i know that post didnt really help that much.. but its true.. in most cases. And men should not need to look at porn if they have a wonderful woman by their side. it just shows that they need more.
So in other words, what you're saying is that if men look at porn their women ain't doing them right?
I think she is saying that women feel this way. Although I don't think that a sexually satisfied man hates porn. A man who gets it every day just like he wants it will still have fantasies. He will continue to create new ones. Men are so different sexually than women. A lot of men don't look at porn any differently than watching a good football game. Same with strip clubs. It's all entertainment and that is that. However, women can't understand this. I am saying all this and I know it is true and even I couldn't stand to have my man looking at porn all the time and visiting strip clubs.
The problem is not the porn. Porn itself is just entertainment. It becomes a problem when a) someone becomes addicted and cannot have normal sexual relationships with real people b) it interferes with a relationship because the woman does not like it and the man continues to do it.
If my hubby said, hey let's watch some porn together, it's different than me catching him secretly watching because watching it together puts me in the picture. I am a part of his fantasy where as watching porn secretly makes me feel like he wants me out of his fantasy. (silly maybe but true none the less)
Welcome runamuck, nice post!
Kristie wrote:If my hubby said, hey let's watch some porn together, it's different than me catching him secretly watching because watching it together puts me in the picture. I am a part of his fantasy where as watching porn secretly makes me feel like he wants me out of his fantasy. (silly maybe but true none the less)
Well, it
is probably true. Sometimes we
don't want our girlfriend/wife in our fantasy. Sometimes we want a fantasy that takes us
away from our daily life - daydream about something that couldnt possibly take place in real life. After all these threads here on this topic I've come to think that this is the crux of the discussion: women who can not abide the thought that their men does/has something they are not allowed into, because he does it purely for himself.
Kristie wrote:
The problem is not the porn. Porn itself is just entertainment. It becomes a problem when a) someone becomes addicted and cannot have normal sexual relationships with real people b) it interferes with a relationship because the woman does not like it and the man continues to do it.
If we substitute gambling for porn and a woman wrote in complaining about her husbands gambling problem the theory would hold I guess. Gambling isn't the problem, the person with the addiction is.
nimh wrote:Kristie wrote:If my hubby said, hey let's watch some porn together, it's different than me catching him secretly watching because watching it together puts me in the picture. I am a part of his fantasy where as watching porn secretly makes me feel like he wants me out of his fantasy. (silly maybe but true none the less)
Well, it
is probably true. Sometimes we
don't want our girlfriend/wife in our fantasy. Sometimes we want a fantasy that takes us
away from our daily life - daydream about something that couldnt possibly take place in real life. After all these threads here on this topic I've come to think that this is the crux of the discussion: women who can not abide the thought that their men does/has something they are not allowed into, because he does it purely for himself.
Well, yeah but who wants to know that your man desires something/one else? It isn't about him having something for himself...it's about him hiding it because he knows it makes her uncomfortable. Again, sexuality is different for men and women. Masturbation is something done just for self and while I have a problem with my man secretly watching porn, I don't have a problem with him taking care of business if he needs to. There is a difference unless he is masturbating like crazy (every day) and not paying attention to my needs. Maybe it is silly or insecure or stupid...whatever you want to call it but the fact remains....if your partner is uncomfortable with it, you shouldn't be doing it.
Quote:I've been roundly booed on this forum for my belief that porn is a big problem
woohoo. agreed.
now that you know, yeah ...I'd mention it because I doubt you can hold it in, esp. since you'd like him to quit instead of continuing this habit.
Sometimes we need accountability. That's my opinion.
I can only do woohoo in my head using Homer Simpson's voice. He's usually getting free beer or something when he says it, so I guess it's like hitting jackpot.
The problem with the accountability thing is that it assumes that it's always a problem. If both people in the relationship enjoy porn, there is no problem with porn. It's not porn per se.
One could as easily say that there needs to be accountability for buying new clothes. It's not necessarily a problem, at all. It CAN be a problem if it is surrounded by a lot of other issues. Not enough money, say, or doing it secretly after agreeing not to.
That's why what we keep coming back to is it's too simplistic to say porn = problem, or if he looks at porn he is automatically wrong and a bad guy. If one person in a relationship has a problem with it, it's a problem -- but it should be worked out between the people in the relationship, some sort of reasonable balance should be reached that is acceptable to both, rather than just slapping a big "Porn is Bad" sticker on it, end of story.
(Btw I don't think we can base anything further-reaching on posts here -- it's self-perpetuating, people find old threads about it via Google and ask their own questions.)
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