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Did I do the right thing?

 
 
Reply Sun 27 Nov, 2016 11:22 pm
I’m miserable today and I need advice.
Joe and I have been together nine years, not in the same house but spending most days together and travelling together for months at a time (we’re retired). It seemed to me - and everyone else - that we were a loving and happy couple. Ten months ago he announced that he’d planned a risky driving trip across Asia with an acquaintance, Cindy. He'd mentioned it to me once a month earlier, but we both knew I couldn’t do it; ever since a car accident years ago, Asia’s chaotic traffic terrifies me. He said the trip was on his bucket list and very important to him. Cindy would just be a companion, he admitted – not an experienced driver, navigator, or traveler, just a companion. Still, I was a good sport about it for months. Their trip starts in January 2017, so it’s been a hard year, watching them get closer as they made plans.

Then I learned they’d been dating secretly before they made their travel plan. He said that meant nothing.

In September Joe left an email open on his computer, a booking they'd made for three days in a single hotel room before the trip. He had promised they’d stay in separate rooms, and I'd naively believed him, so I was upset and angry. I reminded him how dangerous and destructive it would be to have a close relationship with two women. He said I was over-reacting.

Then a third guy volunteered to join them, so Joe changed the room to a triple, and I felt better.

Just a week ago he admitted that he and Cindy had booked a holiday in Asia alone for a week before the third guy arrived. He said it was to get over jet lag, and they’d stay in separate rooms, so it would be ok. But I checked his email (I’m only a little ashamed!) and found the truth: they’ve booked a single room at an expensive beach resort.

So after a lot of soul-searching, last night I told him - calmly, with no dramatics - that I knew about the single room, and combined with the lying and everything else, it was a deal-breaker. He gave frantic reassurances – they’re just friends, it was a misunderstanding, he'd made mistakes, etc. I said a romantic holiday with Cindy was disloyal to me and that sharing a bedroom with two women was not ok. Then I collected nine years worth of belongings, and left.

Today I alternate between feeling proud of myself and feeling devastated and unsure. Walking away seems like all I can do. But maybe there's another answer. I’d really appreciate advice.
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 27 Nov, 2016 11:36 pm
@Jules 99,

Jules 99 wrote:

Today I alternate between feeling proud of myself and feeling devastated and unsure. Walking away seems like all I can do. But maybe there's another answer. I’d really appreciate advice.


Did he really expect you to swallow that explanation. Walking away sounds good, and aren't you glad you still have separate homes?
0 Replies
 
TomTomBinks
 
  3  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 12:00 am
@Jules 99,
You left with your self-respect intact. Good for you. you gave him the benefit of the doubt several times, and he blew it. His loss.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 07:33 am
@Jules 99,
Yes, you did the right thing.
Jules 99
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 01:14 pm
@CoastalRat,
Thanks, you three kind people who support my decision. It’s good to know not everyone thinks I’m over-reacting, too suspicious, exaggerating things, etc . My decision to walk away had to be made all on my own. Without knowing all the suspicious details, our friends see nothing in his plans but an innocent driving trip. I’ve been maybe too loyal and partly too humiliated to tell anyone what’s really going on. Do you think I should?

I admit I almost hoped someone would advise giving him another chance – maybe he really is regretful? Maybe he might see how dumb it is to throw away so much? It’s hard not to make contact, to see how he’s doing , but of course what I want to hear is, he wants me back! So I’m resisting the impulse.
Tiger81
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 03:07 pm
@Jules 99,
Were you in a mutually agreed upon monogamous relationship? If so, then you absolutely did the right thing, he is not going to stop the affair with Cindy.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 05:19 pm
@Jules 99,
I support the decision you made, but you mustn't base decisions on hopes that some will talk you out of it.
Jules 99
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 11:14 pm
@chai2,
I don't exactly hope to be talked out of my decision to leave. But I've had no help with this; our friends see him as a totally honorable person. (I used to think so too). I just want to make sure there's no other reasonable perspective I should consider.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 11:20 pm
@Jules 99,
Yeah, what your friends see is what he chooses to show.

You're the one that knows what is going on.

0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 29 Nov, 2016 07:57 am
I'm wondering . . .

You haven't talked very much about Cindy.

What is their history?

Does she have a BF? If so, how does that guy feel about this trip?

What if she is gay, how would you feel then?

Have there been other incidences between your BF and her? You have focused on this trip, but surely, there must be other things going on between them if you suspect a romantic connection.

And, most important, why didn't you and your BF come to a decision about a " Bucket List" trip that was mutually satisfying?

I see platonic relationships all the time between men and women. One thing for sure, this will resolve itself after they get back.
Jules 99
 
  3  
Reply Tue 29 Nov, 2016 03:33 pm
@PUNKEY,
Cindy is the widow of an old college acquaintance. We'd been to occasional parties at her house for years. I found out they'd also been meeting for dinner dates when I persistently asked about the background of their sudden decision to travel. Cindy did have a boyfriend, but they broke up soon after booking the trip. For months now, "trip planning meetings" have taken place in expensive restaurants or alone at home. I was never allowed to attend.

Joe and I have been on many exciting trips together. This Asia trip is a loosely organized, risky driving event that he heard about and mentioned once (it had been on his bucket list about two days.) Then he decided to do it, recruited Cindy, registered and paid before mentioning it again. He still insists the driving trip is the priority; that's plausible, he loves to drive. But a week-long holiday alone, sharing a room at a fancy beach resort --???

I know platonic relationships are possible, but I don't think this is one of them. Yes, I'm sure their relationship will be clearly resolved long before they return, and regardless of what action I take. Thanks for your questions and comments. The more I think and write about it, the better I see I should have left months ago.
Tiger81
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Nov, 2016 10:17 am
@Jules 99,
Jules, I am sorry you are having to go through this. I;m guessing the bf found out what's going on and drew the line at the "travel planning meetings". If it was innocent, then why not include you and the bf on these dinners to plan?
0 Replies
 
Peg44
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 07:51 pm
@Jules 99,
You clearly did what you had to do. I agree if it was innocent you would have been part of the planning and he wouldn't have lied about accommodations I am curious though- is the vacation over? Have you heard from him?
0 Replies
 
Iouman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2017 01:05 pm
@Jules 99,
Oh well, his loss. He's not worth crying over.
0 Replies
 
 

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