Is my wife using me?

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What do you do that your clothes need to be ironed? I'm still tripping off that, ironing clothes... Don't you have any wash-n-wear items? Have you ever tried hanging shirts and pants right up on hangers to let them dry rather than on a clothes line? Or take them out of the dryer while still hot and hang them? We don't iron much here, and I can't imagine ironing daily. Even when I was a little girl, and we spent more time ironing, we would do a pile at once so it wasn't a daily job.

Other than that, I would say that you are just being a bit overly sensitive, due to your infirmity and your wife/gf/SO was having a bad day for an unknown reason, and she probably didn't mean to upset you. You sound upset and disappointed by her behavior, describing your house looking like **** (does she say that about the house, too?) I'm guessing you place different amounts of value on things like chores based upon your ironing daily and her not cleaning until the house looks like **** to you. And you are just feeling hypersensitive due to illness. Tomorrow, you'll be over the flu and will feel better, I promise.

In the meantime, here's some cyber ginger tea and a slice of papaya for your tummy bug. Mama Pupule to the rescue again. Really, it'll seem like nothing when you feel better tomorrow unless there is more you aren't telling us.

Aloha, PP

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I agree with princess - You sound a bit oversensitive. Did this happen once, this one morning that she snapped at you? I see being angry, but every one has a bad day. Also seeing the 5 year old goes to school - I assume she is in kindergarten. Is your wife working while the daughter goes to school? Is the kindergarten half day? If so, and your wife is taking care of her when she is not working, a 5 year old requires a lot of attention. Trying to keep a house spotless while taking care of a 5 year old is next to impossible. I think your expectations of a spotless household are unreasonable. Maybe she is stressed out by this?

I don't know if this will help..but your wife sounds like she may have been abused in another relationshp...this can be hard on the next relationship if she doesn't get counseling..i would suggest counseling before things get too out of hand...hope you feel better.

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If you aren't happy with the division of labor in your household you should sit down and talk with your wife about it.

My guess is that you've been bothered about it for awhile and picked this one incident to make an issue of. Or else you're more sensitive than usual because you're sick.

Either way - give it a week and wait until you are feeling yourself again. If you are still bothered by the incident and the division of labor, arrange to get a babysitter for the 5 year old and go out for coffee with your wife.

My guess is that you both have some things you'd like to get off your chest - because I haven't seen very many relationships where people don't have a few things they'd like to say to one another.

Remember you should both be on the same team trying to accomplish the team's goals. And if you're not, you'll just end up battling each other for position. That would be a pity.

Best of luck with the situation.

One more thought is that she was probably trying to get you worked up because you hadn't been paying attention to her due to your illness...it made you give her attention.

If you put yourself in a competition with a five-year-old, the five-year-old will win.

It does sound like you're doing a lot of great things. But the specific situation describe sounds like you want her to put you first -- before the five-year-old -- and that's setting yourself up for failure.

Good luck!

Welcome to A2K goodhusband



If you think your wife is using you, then maybe it's because you let her. You would rather do the work for her than listen to her complain about it. IMO if you have a great sex life, then all the other little inconveniences of life, should fall into place.

Interesting advice from Jer. I'm not sure about the last sentence -- I can easily see that it was just impatience -- but I agree wholeheartedly with the rest of it.

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I am very sorry I misread your post I thought it said, "I expect a spotless house" where you actually said I do not expect a spotless house. My mistake.

To be honest my husband and I had a similar discussion last night. We normally have a fairly (if not clean) at least picked up house. As a result of a birthday party on Sunday and lots of hours of work between my husband and me, the house has toys scattered all over. We also have limited space and whenever a influx of toys or other things like on birthdays and Christmas, the house gets very disorganized until we have time to reorganize. Basically, we said this place is a disaster.

Sometimes when you have small children you just have to deal with a mess. I know that the only time I have to clean is either when my husband takes the kids out or after they go to sleep. It is next to impossible to thoroughly clean with children. I don't think you wife is taking advantage of you (but then again we only can go by what you post), but I think Jer is right, there is a disagreement on the division of labor in your household. And usually when you keep things inside like this it explodes over a small issue like what happened when you were sick. Maybe your wife felt you were not pulling your weight (right or wrong) and that is why she snapped.

Well, I agree w/Jer that if things seem dire in another week, you two should go out alone and talk. In the meantime, buy some more hangers! My, God, man, problem solve for efficiency! You'll all be happier! We use clothes lines, and we hang our shirts directly onto hangers to dry, saves a step later, they dry nicely unwrinkled. The same is true for pants. Skirts may have a few wrinkles, but I live with them. When we use dryers, I just take hangers along and put things straight on hangers from dryers and they don't need ironing unless they are smashed into a closet wrinkled. If that is your closet, you have too many clothes hanging up. Closets come in standard sizes. There is enough room in any standard closet to hang enough clothes to clothe a person or 2.

Hey, when you feel better, in another week, suggest you all declutter all closets and shelvesas a family. It's good feng shui, and Christmas is coming, so an opportune time to pass on some outgrown toys to a thrift store and the broken ones to get tossed (Santa Claus is watching and trying to decide what the little girl needs about now, after all... )

Now, drink your tea, and think healthy thoughts.

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This seems to be pointing more and more to the ironing thing being a small part of much larger resentments, goodhusband. Talk to your wife, see what you can come up with.

I'd box up the junk. If things are broken or torn or otherwise rendered useless, throw them out if they aren't priceless for sentimental reasons. Box up the rest of the junk. You will be doing your wife a favor, even if she doesn't see it at the time. Be prepared to placate her with some fabulous gift for putting up with you for throwing away her "treasures." If the cats are leaving "doody presents" inside, they need to become outside cats.

Now, why'd you edit your first post? You realize people will read what they like into its missing status and you'll be imagined a bigger baby than you actually are, right?

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Sorry, that seems like a stretch from what you've said, goodhusband. You ask whether I'd want my SO to help me out when I was sick -- of course. Do my *ironing* when he has other stuff to do? Of course not. This doesn't mean that I don't trust he'd be there for me if I really need help. One doesn't follow from the other.

You really seem to be angling for getting a "you're right, she's wrong" response, which is what I think a lot of us are reacting to. In relationships, if you feel like there is a problem, there is a problem. The question is how you deal with it.