Will we ever get over his affair?

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I have been with my partner for 17 years, we have 3 children together and for the most part have been very happy (or so I thought)
We were due to be married last month but after discovering that my partner had been cheating on me with a girl from work back in February the wedding was cancelled.
I was all for forgiving him and putting this behind us, he was torn and didn't know wether he wanted me or her. After a lot of tooing and froing he left me to be with her.
Within days of leaving he was asking to come back home, told me he didn't realise that he loved me as much as he did and he missed me and obviously the children.
After 2 weeks away he came home.
The last 8 months has been hell emotionally for me, made worse knowing that he works with this girl every day.
He ended the affair physically but I knew mentally it was still there.
A few days ago he admitted to me his feeling for her have not changed and he is being incredibly unfair on me because while he's seeing her everyday (and still flirting) he can't get over her and inturn can't commit to me emotionally (something that I have felt and knew he wasn't quite with me most of the time)

I asked him to leave his job months ago but he refused, he now realises that if he wants to make us work he either transfers departments or leave his job completly. A decision he came to on his own. Otherwise the other option is leave me for good, which he insists is not a option to him.

I'm at the point where physically and mentally I'm at a loss, I love this man even after everything he has done but do I allow him to keep being such a dick?
I also during this time have been very poorly and am waiting to find out if I potentially got Ovarian Cancer, I'm awaiting my results.
I just don't know what to do anymore for the better. I can see us being happy and intime providing he follows through with what he's saying the bridges can be mended but can people really be truly happy again after so much heartache???

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[+4] - jespah - 11/23/2016You need counseling. Partly to deal with this but also to deal with if you get a difficult diagnosis. Because if you do, your priority is your health and your children. Period. You need to get...

@Michcamb83,

You need counseling. Partly to deal with this but also to deal with if you get a difficult diagnosis.

Because if you do, your priority is your health and your children. Period. You need to get well if you can, and provide for your children if you cannot.

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@Michcamb83,

For this to work he needs another job. Not simply change departments, he needs a new place of employment so there is no chance is seeing her. You both need to go to counseling (individually and together). Sometimes it takes trying different counselors until you find one that really works for you.
Another Seperation may be needed also. Yes, absence made his heart grow fonder but it seems like you gave in too quickly. You need to let him know if he isn't willing to cut all ties, change jobs, go to counseling,, and give you open access to his phone in computer, things will not work. He broke your trust (and not just one time) so he will have to work hard to restore it.

I would persaonally put a spy app on his phone. He's lied before so his promises don't mean crap. Even if you do it for 6 months or so you need to know all communication with her is over and he's not talking to anyone else. Trust can be rebuilt if the other person is willing to do his part (support you, answer questions, go to counseling, give you access to everything, change jobs, etc). In return you have to learn to not bring it up or throw it in his face if he's really making an effort. If he doesn't make the effort you need to be firm and walk away from this relationship. If he's not willing to do what it takes to earn your trust Back, he's not truly sorry and it will probably happen again.

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@Michcamb83,

Michcamb83 wrote:

I have been with my partner for 17 years, we have 3 children together and for the most part have been very happy (or so I thought)
We were due to be married last month but after discovering that my partner had been cheating on me with a girl from work back in February the wedding was cancelled.
I was all for forgiving him and putting this behind us, he was torn and didn't know wether he wanted me or her. After a lot of tooing and froing he left me to be with her.
Within days of leaving he was asking to come back home, told me he didn't realise that he loved me as much as he did and he missed me and obviously the children.
After 2 weeks away he came home.
The last 8 months has been hell emotionally for me, made worse knowing that he works with this girl every day.
He ended the affair physically but I knew mentally it was still there.
A few days ago he admitted to me his feeling for her have not changed and he is being incredibly unfair on me because while he's seeing her everyday (and still flirting) he can't get over her and inturn can't commit to me emotionally (something that I have felt and knew he wasn't quite with me most of the time)

I asked him to leave his job months ago but he refused, he now realises that if he wants to make us work he either transfers departments or leave his job completly. A decision he came to on his own. Otherwise the other option is leave me for good, which he insists is not a option to him.

I'm at the point where physically and mentally I'm at a loss, I love this man even after everything he has done but do I allow him to keep being such a dick?
I also during this time have been very poorly and am waiting to find out if I potentially got Ovarian Cancer, I'm awaiting my results.
I just don't know what to do anymore for the better. I can see us being happy and intime providing he follows through with what he's saying the bridges can be mended but can people really be truly happy again after so much heartache???

The most important thing is to examine why he needed or wanted this other woman. I know this will not be pleasant but if it's not addressed it will keep being a problem for your marriage. Sweeping it under the rug will not help even if you say you don't care why the reason is not being addressed. Many marriages that fail do so because this is not taken into consideration. Its painful to examine which is why most ignore it for doom later.

If you are brave and can put away your ego to examine it to solve it, he won't need to change jobs. Forcing him to get away from her is only addressing the symptom not addressing the cause. He will still secretly desire her until the cause is fixed. Be brave, put your ego a way, if he means a lot to you and you want to try what ever it takes to keep the marriage then muster up the courage to find out why and see how you can solve it.

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@Michcamb83,

Yes, there are usually underlying issues that cause an affair but the one having the affair is more to blame. If he's unhappy, he should have gotten out (heck- they weren't even married!) instead of lying and cheating. There's never an excuse to do that.

He should get a different job first and foremost out of respect for you It would also help him with temptation and help you feel more secure. If you really want you in his life and what you relationship to work then he will take himself out of a situation where he is around his "lover" on a regular basis. That's more than any man should ask you to ensure.

My husband did cheat on me 15 years ago with his secretary. I left. When he wanted me back, she had to be let go, we went to counseling, and he had to earn my trust again. It took a couple months of work on his part before I let him come home and even longer to earn my trust back. He was wrong and he understood my insecurities (so I had access to his phone, computer, etc) In the end we both made major changes and have a great relationship.
Unless he's willing to take responsibility and make those changes he's not really remorseful and my bet it would happen again. It's up to him more than you at this point. Good luck.

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Will we ever get over his affair?

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