Getting my life together.

I recently turned 23. And I realized my life is in complete shambles, I literally have nothing going for me. I’m ready to change my life. The reason I’m here is because of something I’ve been struggling with for a while and its time this gets sorted out if I’m to have a better life. And that’s the relationship with my ex. Please bare the length.

We met 4 years ago in college. (lol some may know where I’m going with this) .it was our first relationship, we became extremely close, the best of friends, she was more than a girlfriend to me, we were always there for each other and truly the best relationship I ever had with a person. We spent a lot of time with each other and it was really nice. We were really happy together. The end of college meant we couldn’t see each other as much and after a few months she broke up with me. We broke up July last year. Damn I was such a little sissy, I cried and begged, wrote her long letters and did all the things you’re not supposed to do. After some time I decided it’s time to call quits, I mean the world was out there, I was her first boyfriend she never really saw other people and places so I manned up, wished her the best in university and went my way. Crumbled after a month though, saw she was talking to some guy on fb, called her told her I missed her, she said she’d call back but she didn’t. Didn’t matter though because that was the only time I initiated contact.

She messaged me a month after, to see how I was doing, then two weeks after that to apologize for breaking my heart, called and messaged for my birthday, then a week after texted more and called, she’d say things like I don’t know what the future holds for us, people break up and get back together later in life. Started to mess with my head, I came out and asked her if she wanted to start over she said she did not know. Again I wished her the best and went my way.

That was last year, beginning of this year now she was asking me about the stuff I got for her and if I wanted it back, I said no. then a few days after she wanted to know where I bought an earring for her she wanted to get back one. She always messaged for the stupidest things sometimes nothing at all. The beginning of summer she told my friends she missed me and inquired a lot of stuff about me about girls and things like that. She called, said she missed how things were, wished she could go back to those times and stuff like that. We talked from June to August.

Again she would throw around words like later down in life you never know what could happen and stuff like that. I asked her out like 3 times, she’d say soon and she’d come see me and just stupid excuses. Was starting to bug me, I told her I still think about her a lot and she said it’s best if I didn’t think of her so much. So I stopped talking to her. Then a week after she sent me pics of her dog, then she wanted to know about my family a week after, every week she’d message or call, always making contact sometimes just random calls to know about things in my life.. Last time she called was about two weeks ago, she said she was busy with school and stuff. I don’t think this is the way exes are supposed to be.

Now I don’t know what that’s been about, if she does want to be with me later, if she wants to focus on school, if she just likes the attention and the ego boost even though I never initiate contact, or maybe she hasn’t let go of our relationship completely. Whatever the reason I just don’t care now, I want to get my life together. Her actions never really shown a girl who wanted to reconcile, and the reason I stayed around and entertained the calls and messages was because there was a part of me who wanted to be with her, and still does. We haven’t seen each other in over a year, we were together for about 2.5 years and have been away from each other for 1.5. I really loved and cared for her a lot, and I still do, and because of those strong feelings I had towards her I haven’t manned up and told her that we shouldn’t talk so much because it bothers me. I still miss her.

I have nothing against her, I’m really happy that we’re amicable with each other, I pray for her, I’m sincerely happy that’s she’s safe, healthy, happy, doing well in school and her life. I’ll always want good things for her and she’ll always be close to my heart. It’s time for me to get started on my life now, and it’s best if I put this to rest. Either its over or it’s not. I’m writing this because I don’t know what to say to her, if it was up to me I’d be honest, tell her I still think about her and the times we had, and that it’s better if we don’t talk anymore because when we do those emotions just get amplified. However she takes it she’ll have to live with it, because it’s about me, my life.

Thank you for reading my friends. What do you think I should do and say here?????????