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I can't function without my ex.Will she back?Long story.Pls help!I wanna die.

 
 
Reply Tue 15 Nov, 2016 11:15 am
Hi,
It's a long story so I will try to make it as short as I can.
Basically we meet via internet.I am from Europe and she's from South America.
We fell in love and meet in real life in London.Then we planned to move to London to be together again but it didn't worked out.Job,our fights ect.
We went back to our homes.
The thing is I was breaking up with her very, very often because I wans't really happy how she was treating me.Promises she coudn't keep, excuses, she wasn't really interested in my art, curious but she was curious about space and music and I coudn't understand that.We were fighting a lot.I am extrovert and she is introvert although she's the one who has more friends and better social life.I don't have friends really and I am stucked with homophobic family.I am fighting with my depression and inner problems.She knows it! I also helped her many times when her friends and family left her.
She says we can't be together, that she felt worned out by me breaking up with her many times, long distance.Everytime she gives different reason.I contacted her couple of times but last time she stopped talk to me.She asked question and when I answered she never replied.She knows its hard for me.I don't have any support and she does.She lives in country where beaing lesbian is ok! I asked why she's doing this but she didn't replied.Also last time she said " let it be" and "I can't be with you...not right now".I can't life, be happy and focus on my life.What should I do?Somethimes I just wanna die.
What if she never loved me? What if I will be waiting for her but she will find someone else? What if I am gonna force myself to be with someone and she will come back?Idk what to do.... I try move on but I can't! pls help....
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 15 Nov, 2016 12:21 pm
@NewSkylight,
Get counseling. You yourself admit things were less than rosy between the two of you. And now you're nostalgic for that time, perhaps because it feels easier in the context of trying to find somebody else.

Spoiler alert: it's not easy to find love.

Second spoiler: real love makes constant fighting-style relationships look like a big, fat waste of time.

So get to counseling and get yourself to the point where you see how difficult this relationship was, and you are better off apart.
NewSkylight
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Nov, 2016 12:51 pm
@jespah,
What if I don't want to be apart.I am able to fight and even go there but question is she wants and is able to fight too...guess not
vikorr
 
  3  
Reply Tue 15 Nov, 2016 04:05 pm
@NewSkylight,
You did break up with her multiple times. She said she got sick of that. It is perfectly understandable for a person to react this way - who on earth would want to be in a relationship with someone who kept breaking up with them?

And you say that she was always treating you like crap? Why do you want that sort of relationship? You may say 'I want her, rather than that sort of relationship'...but with her, comes that sort of relationship. They aren't separable. So, why do you want that?

There is always hope for future relationships.

All that said, it may make things easier for you in the long run if:

- you work out what character traits you want in a partner. Character traits are about compatibility. If you don't know which you want, you can end up with a partner with great personality, who is incompatible with your happiness.

- your assertion skills (essentially, how to stand up for yourself, without disrespecting others)

- your conflict management skills (similar to above, but how to do so if things have degenerated).

- what your principles / beliefs / values are. Being true to these builds your self-esteem, while disregarding them lowers your self-esteem. High self esteem enhances happiness, while low self esteem undermines it.

- your sense of: self, your individuality, what your deep feelings are, what you are to yourself, the meaning to you of each moment in your life ... and your ability to express these things - ie. who you are (it is who you are that others are attracted to). The stronger your sense of self, the more genuine you become (eg. each act of kindness/warmth becomes less about the social benefits to you...and more about the meaning to you...ie. each act of kindness/warmth becomes more heartfelt)

Hope it helps some.
gladiator26
 
  2  
Reply Wed 16 Nov, 2016 08:36 am
@NewSkylight,
Your story is exactly luke mine. The difference is I m from Asia n she was from Europe. I left all works for her. I had better social life than her but it was she who requested me to spend time together more. Fir her I sacrificed my social contact n tune with family but in turn she gradually decreased time fir me. I was sick of fake promises n lies. She told me she spend time with me only asi do with her but I found it was another lie.
Her close female friend who was jealous of our relation worked luke oil in fire.
The thing us girls may have may firms and u can't even find out coz they are expert in lying and cheating. After few honest relation I decided to cheat n just flirt with them. I was in depression so to settle my life after this break up I married but it's also not working. You just hv to forget her. Delete all things which think are memories m remind you of her. There is no alternative but you hv to forget her coz it seems like my ex your ex was also not just yours. I was suggested sane by my friend which was unacceptable fir me. But after adopting this new life I m at least not in depression. I still dream of her in night but I know she was not mine. Never. I m sorry for you how ever
NewSkylight
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Nov, 2016 09:59 am
@gladiator26,
Hey.Thanks for your reply.I am sorry for your situation.
I had depression before meeting her but being with her made me feel I am not alone in this ( being a lesbian).I am stucked with homophobic family and she's having support because her country, friends and family are open to this.She is sick of me being dpressed and all.I don't think she's having someone.She always had so much work and she's not really considered as attractive to ppl but to me she is! I have done all to her.Left my religion, fighted with myself.She never wanted understand that relationship needs compromises.We both have toxic families so it's not east for her too.I just don't understand why she treats me like enemy now.Last time I spoke with her she replied and then ignored me idk why?
She said she feels chased, pressured.I just wanna talk with her. We both said that we are real family and now? she left me? I understand shes sick of my break ups but ...how after all I have done she's like that.She pushing me away knowing I need support.Me crying and saying I feel bad...there is no reaction, no emotion in her.I dont understand.I cant forget her.My depression got worst and I even tried to date other ppl but ...can't stop thinking about her.
0 Replies
 
NewSkylight
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Nov, 2016 10:03 am
@vikorr,
I tried and trying forget her and damage happy moments together and see how bad it was but I can't.I know I could do much better but my toxical family and mess in my life was making me feel bad in that time.I just wanted her to commit and spend some more time with me.People tend to leave stuff that needs more work and efford but that's bad.Love will never be perfect and ppl too.There is always has to be commitment, work on both of sides ect.She had problems with communication as well.Somethimes I felt idk what to believe in.
NewSkylight
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Nov, 2016 10:07 am
@gladiator26,
Btw, how did you found out she's cheating on you? Have you ever planned to move to Eu for her?or she to Asia for you?
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Wed 16 Nov, 2016 04:40 pm
@NewSkylight,
Hello
Quote:
Love will never be perfect and ppl too
No one said either was. In terms of such - there is a very real difference between behaviour that is understandable, and behaviour that is acceptable. You may understand why a person treats you like crap, but you should never accept that behaviour / say that behaviour is acceptable. Give understanding, along with a message that it is unacceptable. And, in warning, if the behaviour keeps occuring, how the message is delivered modifies (you should look up conflict management, assertiveness, dealing with manipulative people etc to learn these skills / better understand how to deal with such)

Quote:
People tend to leave stuff that needs more work and efford but that's bad
No, it's not bad (in blanket format). For example, apply what you said to a woman who's partner is domestically violent towards her -is it bad for her to leave? If the answer is 'it's not bad for her to leave'. There are many other scenario's where it's not considered 'bad' to leave...in those scenarios. And in that group of scenario's, I would include 'any person who constantly treats another person like crap'

Quote:
There is always has to be commitment, work on both of sides ect
Quite true. That said, this value, if it's not stood up for, can become a trap when only one party is doing the work; or when one person says 'I'll work on ###', but keeps repeating the behaviour over and over again.

Quote:
I could do much better but my toxical family and mess in my life was making me feel bad in that time


Where-ever we have come from, we can move forward, and we can grow.

Personal Growth (rather than skills growth) only comes when an individual takes responsibility for (their actions, their attitudes, their feelings, their words, their beliefs, their values etc - ie. they take responsibility for) who they are, and who they are becoming.

Once we take responsibility, we take back the power to become our own person, we say 'the chains that have held me in the past will not hold me in the future - I will become the person that I want to be'. This is a goal that can become reality. That goal though needs to be coupled with understanding - our brain wires itself to think in certain patterns, and we are essentially wanting to rewire our brain. It can be done, but it can at times, take a lot of persistence.

And again, it is who we are that we contribute to our relationships. It is who we are that attracts other people.

Best wishes.

NewSkylight
 
  0  
Reply Thu 17 Nov, 2016 08:03 am
@vikorr,
Thank you for your reply.I am able to work on myself really but right now I don't know what to do with my future because my ex doesn't want to even talk to me. I want to send her message again but I dont wanna feel like stalker.I already feel this way.I am just scared I am gonna start creating my life here and suddenly she will come back.Idk why she doesn't care about me knowing it's hard for me now.
0 Replies
 
gorff
 
  0  
Reply Thu 17 Nov, 2016 11:32 pm
@NewSkylight,
Incompatible. You put her on a pedestal, not compatible. She wants out, but you want to continue, but you keep breaking up cause things are not working out. Its long distance and you are creating a commitment to move in together, be as one and see eye to eye... but there is too much incompatibility, it will never work. She sees this, you do not. The way she treats you etc is a result of incompatibility, there is a disconnect. You will have to face this and move on to someone who matches you better.
0 Replies
 
 

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